Would you sack nanny over this?

[YourMerryBrickRobin]

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

I’m sure as you say he is a nice guy. However I’ve had enough experience in safe guarding to know that people who abuse children often come across as very ‘nice’. She left a non verbal child with someone who is not DBS checked. Just imagine if a school or nursery did that. Instant safe guarding fail from her Ofsted, as it sure be as the child has not been safe guarded. Paedophiles can be very clever and surprisingly good at gaining access to children!!! I’m not at all saying he is but what I am saying is, she doesn’t know that! I just would not be able to trust her judgement. Especially knowing you had been clear that he wasn’t to be around the children and she very much went against this.

wholeheartedly agree with this post

The lines have blurred and need to be reset, they both massively overstepped. Formal warning and the bf leaving is best way to move forward. It's quite likely depending on her attitude when she returns if she will want to stay on

Do you not understand that the OP HAD ALREADY told the the Nanny the BF is not allowed in the house? Nanny couldn't give a flying fuck and let him in repeatedly. Because she spent her days lazing around OP's house with the bf whilst the 9 month old baby slept and toddler was at nursery.

Out of curiosity, how old is the nanny?

Baffles me why a check wasn't done before he moved in?!

Of course I understand as I can read. I just had another thought so posted it as @YourMerryBrickRobin seems to be wanting to keep the nanny but there has to be consequences. Some people give second chances...

I know what I would do but this isn't my decision.

It’s up to you how you feel about them. I had a nanny for 12 years who had a long term boyfriend who she has now married. They would both come away with us and he’d drop in regularly. They were both like family. I trusted them both like family.

Did you DBS him before he had access to your family?

Just to add a bit of perspective - we don’t DBS check the parents of other children who host ours for play dates and sleepovers. We had a live in nanny when our children were small, she and boyfriend often babysat, DS1 was a pageboy at their wedding.

You would be ok with these boyfriends being left alone with your baby in your house?

In this day and age, what adult man would even want to risk being left alone with someone else's baby?

If he's not a predator, his judgment is as bad as his girlfriend's.

Yes, for a very short time but we live in the country where everyone knows everyone’s families anyway.

That isn't comparable to the OP's situation then. She doesn't know the boyfriend or his family. And he doesn't know her well enough to know if she would be ok with him being alone with her baby.

If you’re that worried and can afford a nanny..perhaps look after your own kids

Why is everyone assuming the boyfriend is a paedophile? But if you really are one of the paranoid, it's surprising that you allowed him to live in the caravan.

They are not assuming he's a paedophile, they are just sensible enough not to take that risk.

@YourMerryBrickRobin

It's Sunday evening.

Did you send that text ?

if so

Did nanny return

and has boyfriend moved out today ?

I don't think everyone is assuming that. I actually thought about that bf a few years ago who volunteered to look after a toddler so mum could go on first night out after birth, and within half an hour he had beaten up the baby. TBH, just the fact that she left him alone in the house would make me feel uncomfortable, as I don't like the idea of a stranger looking around my stuff and opening drawers. And he is a stranger, really.

I would not be happy either if it had been the nanny's female best friend or a random cousin. If I were to hire a nanny, I would be aiming for brilliant references, baby first-aid training, childcare qualifications, experience dealing with a range of situations, patience, and a whole range of skills to reassure me that they were the best for this job. Not that a parent has all those skills but if I were to pay for in-house childcare, I'd want a professional. He's not. He can also potentially be distracting or interfering with her tasks. Incidentally, if this were happening in a regulated childcare setting, I think many more would be appalled by her actions: "boyfriend went to visit nursery nurse and she went to prepare another baby's food, leaving him in sole charge of a baby in her care".. that's not that dissimilar.

He is having free accomodation on the condition not to enter the house. Yet he did. And stayed there looking after the baby that the nanny should have taken with her. It would have been a break of trust for me.

IT. IS. NOT. ABOUT. THE. BOYFRIEND!!!

It's about the NANNY and her dereliction of duty and breach of her Employer rules.

It does not matter if she left the baby with her BF, mother, sister, Mother Teresa or the child's own grandparents - she should never have left a child in her care with ANYONE.

Goodness me, what an angry message.

I definitely would not sack her for this - but would speak to her about what is and is not allowed, as mixed signals have probably left her unsure about this. When he has been in the house in your absence in the past you chose not to discuss this with her - because you didn't want to "rock the boat". THIS is when you should have put firm boundaries in place regarding nanny's boyfriend.

Good nannies are not easy to come by, and if you're happy with her work otherwise, I'd just get this aspect straight with her - and move one.

Castle0, you have no idea how the nanny spends her days and is there really any need to start swearing? Clearly toddler is not at nursery all day and you don’t know if she does housework and cooking for the family. You come across as an angry individual. I wonder how many complete strangers you allow into your home, tradespeople, other parents, friends you’ve only just met etc etc. The op has given very mixed messages here, on the one hand she has allowed this person to live within the grounds of the house, I suspect what she meant by him not being allowed in the house was to sleep over, she’s clearly not comfortable with them living together in her house. Fair enough! But she should have spoken to nanny like an adult and laid down proper boundaries. To my mind allowing someone to live within the remit of your home would suggest you have faith in them. She should have got a dbs check done if there were any concerns.

The nanny lives in though. It's a much more intimate relationship than looking after a child at school or nursery. The Op trusts the nanny in her home ( there's a ton of personal information the nanny can access) and with the children. Six years is a long time. The children will have grown up with her.

There doesn't appear to be any reason why the nanny's judgement isn't good here. She trusts her boyfriend and its not like she gave him the ok to take the kids to the park all afternoon.

I can see why the Op feels uncomfortable. The nanny has gone outside of her role and feels she can make decisions against parents wishes. Being a nanny can be a lonely job. I'd really use this as an opportunity to reassess how the role could work better for both of them.

If not trust her decision making after this.. Suck her