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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you sack nanny over this?

554 replies

YourMerryBrickRobin · 07/06/2024 23:42

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

OP posts:
coupdetonnerre · 09/06/2024 11:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Watermonkey13 · 09/06/2024 17:41

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. This is exactly how children end up being abused. I would either give written warning or sack depending on how good she is.

sam26oscar · 09/06/2024 17:42

Wouldn’t sack her as a good Nanny is like you said a diamond ( I’m a former Nanny) definitely need to say you are extremely unhappy about the situation and that moving forward the boyfriend is not welcome in the house . You may find this forces her hand and she may leave anyway- or ditches the boyfriend! Just out of interest how did you find out that the boyfriend looked after the baby? Did she tell you? Which in my eyes at least she was honest with you and didn’t lie - not defending her but it’s also a quality that your Nanny is honest!

Mumof3confused · 09/06/2024 17:47

She’s not ‘gold’ with that terrible judgement I would be concerned leaving my tiny children in her some care at all!

cookie4640 · 09/06/2024 17:50

I wouldn’t necessarily sack her but I’d be giving her a warning and some strong words reiterating your boundaries.

OldPerson · 09/06/2024 17:56

Of course you're being unreasonable.

She's been with you for 6 years. You think she's a "diamond".

You obviously don't like the boyfriend being there. So put a time limit on it.

But YOUR error, no car seat.

Your, as normal, resourceful nanny sorted it out. No one got hurt. You probably don't even know what else she fixed for you over the past 6 years.

But I am predicting, you need boyfriend out, and nanny will follow.

She sounds like a treasure to any family. But circumstances change. But whatever you do, don't give her a bad reference. You've had 6 wonderful years with her.

DurhamDurham · 09/06/2024 18:02

Your, as normal, resourceful nanny sorted it out. No one got hurt

No one getting hurt is a very low bar to set. The ever resourceful nanny could just as easily put the baby in the buggy and walked to collect the child from nursery.
I'm laid back about lots of things but finding out that someone you don't want in the house has been looking after your child is unforgivable really.

BirthdayRainbow · 09/06/2024 18:07

If you keep her and I think you'd be foolish to do so, you can say she's broken your trust so he can't come in the house at all now. Consequences..

Playinwithfire · 09/06/2024 18:21

Nanny would be sent on her merry way!! It's seems boundaries are being pushed to see how what they can get away with.
Not a chance would I have even allowed him to stay in the first place. Not your responsibility! You are an employer.

JediNinja · 09/06/2024 18:38

The problem I see here is that you said that a condition of the temporary accomodation is that he didn't stay in the house but the caravan. Clearly this rule was broken at least twice in two weeks. That would be an issue for me. Either she puts the needs of the boyfriend above your rules (comfort, being around) and invited him in, or she struggles to say no to him and is guilt tripped about being alone in the caravan so let him in when he asked. Do you know whose idea was to leave the baby with him? If hers, error in judgement. Probably because she trusts him and was in your house but the decision was taken away from you. If his, "I'll be fine, leave him here", he's commanding in your house and making the rules and that's a lot more problematic in my opinion.

You've effectively created a situation where them, as a couple, are looking after the kids. I would enforce the rule that is her working time and he cannot be around because that just leads to her not being fully engaged with her tasks. He can go and have a walk, go to the library,go to work, whatever. But not in the house, which I think you already said, anyway.

When I WFH and my husband is around, no matter what, I get distracted, I don't do things as quickly or in the order I planned them, I end up in conversations that take me away from the mental planning I was doing, I'm going to do a task and end up making a drink or stopping for lunch at a time that might have not be my preferred one but the time when we can eat together, and generally I'm not as productive or focused. I would not want a friend, family member or boyfriend over whilst she is working. Because you pay for the focused time and 1:1 dedication. You are already being generous with the caravan, plus the minor extra expenses that you have with another person showering, kettle brewing, lights on, etc.

Catsmere · 09/06/2024 18:50

I'm starting to think the boyfriend sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

MelodyFinch · 09/06/2024 18:53

What a horrible situation. In your shoes I just couldn’t trust her anymore. I would be constantly worrying. I am afraid that he must leave and she should also go with a reasonable period of notice. She broke trust, however lovely she is, he is an unknown quantity and he has skewed her judgement. She was at work, not playing house with her boyfriend. A nightmare though, you have my sympathy.

JournalistEmily · 09/06/2024 19:03

You started this when you let him stay. He isn’t dbs checked and is around your kids. That’s a 100% no no before this latest issue

croydon15 · 09/06/2024 19:09

So she worked for you for 6 years and pp suggest that you sack her for an error of judgement and make him homeless, nice pp on MN

BirthdayRainbow · 09/06/2024 19:10

But the error of judgement could have had catastrophic consequences for the child..

Catsmere · 09/06/2024 19:12

croydon15 · 09/06/2024 19:09

So she worked for you for 6 years and pp suggest that you sack her for an error of judgement and make him homeless, nice pp on MN

"Error of judgement" is quite underplaying repeatedly allowing a random man into her employer's house and then leaving him alone there and in charge of her employer's baby. As for the homelessness, he was already and OP should never have allowed him to live in the caravan (and, btw, the condition was that he not come in the house).

BoundaryGirl3939 · 09/06/2024 19:15

I would have outlined the rules and boundaries concerning him and your children before allowing him to move onto property.

I personally wouldn't sack her but I would have a word with her, tell her you're not comfortable wuth what happened, and ask her not to let it happen again. If it does, then I would sack.

Bunchymcbunchface · 09/06/2024 19:25

The more true crime pod casts too the more I think YANBU

Bunchymcbunchface · 09/06/2024 19:26

*I listen to - stupid phone

bellocchild · 09/06/2024 19:28

If her boyfriend is turning into a regular resident, perhaps they should arrange DBS-checking at their/his own expense?

olympicsrock · 09/06/2024 19:41

Was there any reason to explain why she did this eg baby asleep and exhausted and didn’t want to wait.
Or was the answer sheer lasiness.
I’m sure I would do the same as you with a good nanny of 6 years.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 09/06/2024 19:47

Nope, this is a huge breach of trust. Would not continue.

pineapplesundae · 09/06/2024 19:53

I may be a bit naive but if you think the nanny is a good person, I would think you can trust the company she keeps, within reason of course. What has the bf done to make you not trust him for ten minutes with your child? Your nanny sounds like a good fit for your family. I wouldn’t be so quick to fire her. You’re actually getting a two for one if bf is willing to pitch in with the childcare. Get a nanny cam and a background check and talk things over with your nanny before she leaves you!

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/06/2024 19:59

croydon15 · 09/06/2024 19:09

So she worked for you for 6 years and pp suggest that you sack her for an error of judgement and make him homeless, nice pp on MN

Do you actually understand how employment works? Yes one error can get you sacked.irrespective of how long one’s worked for employer. @YourMerryBrickRobin isnt responsible for the nanny bf housing. - that’s his individual look out

Catsmere · 09/06/2024 20:12

pineapplesundae · 09/06/2024 19:53

I may be a bit naive but if you think the nanny is a good person, I would think you can trust the company she keeps, within reason of course. What has the bf done to make you not trust him for ten minutes with your child? Your nanny sounds like a good fit for your family. I wouldn’t be so quick to fire her. You’re actually getting a two for one if bf is willing to pitch in with the childcare. Get a nanny cam and a background check and talk things over with your nanny before she leaves you!

Extremely naive rather than "a bit". This man is effectively unknown to OP and her family. He's the nanny's boyfriend, staying in OP's caravan on the condition he not come into the house. He's broken that condition twice that OP knows of. He's a random man left alone with a baby, presumably because the nanny couldn't stir herself to get the infant out of bed and into the buggy for the five-minute walk to the nursery.

Everything about this says neither he nor the nanny is trustworthy.