To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

"Impact" that's the word I was looking for and couldn't think of.

If I was being abused at home this thread would really put me off telling someone as it seems so many posters would rather report immediately than offer care, empathy and actual real guidance

The posters who would have a knee jerk reaction after one conversation are only choosing to report for their own ego/peace of mind rather than seeing how to help this woman navigate the situation she is in

But there’s a difference between reporting it to the relevant people who have the resources to help, and gossiping in the playground. One is acting in best interest and one is malicious.

I would assume the other person trusts OP enough to presume she wouldn’t do that. I certainly wouldn’t share sensitive personal information with someone I thought likely to tell the whole playground.

generally being “sworn to secrecy” even from reporting it to a relevant authority is a signpost that something is very wrong

Are they going to investigate for every ex wife who says that her husband uses sex workers?

You know perfectly well that they are not.

My point (in case you missed it) is that there are things a man can do which rightly disgust his wife but are not actions against his children. We do not know in this case whether there is a risk to the children or not. If there is, the OP should report it, as I have already said.

The posters who would have a knee jerk reaction after one conversation are only choosing to report for their own ego/peace of mind rather than seeing how to help this woman navigate the situation she is in

Honestly you would need a MASSIVE ego to asdume you would be the best person to help someone you hardly know "navigate" a situation like this.

This!!! Then you’ve done something, they can be on alert but you’re not sucked in. You ARE right to be concerned and these are allegations. Equally they could be very true. This approach means you’ve done what you can

obviously also offering advice, empathy etc is important too and something I would do - but I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night without worrying something bad was going to happen and I didn’t do anything. Who has nothing to do with it.

Being supportive and passing on information aren’t mutually exclusive.

If any of these allegations mean there is even a tiny risk of the child being at risk of harm you always report. The school will have a DSL. Speak to them.

No you should not report something that she has told you in confidence.

She has been brave enough to speak to you about it, which has probably been so helpful to her.
Don’t make her regret reaching out to someone by going and telling someone else her business (even if you think you’re helping).
She won’t tell anyone or ask for help if she thinks there they’re going to go and tell people afterwards.

You should only tell someone if you think she’s in immediate danger.

If not, then just keep being there and letting her vent to you.
You can advise her to speak to the police etc if you think this is needed.

If you think the child is seeing it or involved in any way - then I would absolutely mention it to the safeguarding lead.

Reporting a child at risk of harm is ego? To be people actually trained to offer care and actual real guidance.

instead, you, who is clearly untrained is going to centre yourself in their trauma. Because that’s not about ego 😂

Awful advice.

If you were the child in this situation what would you want?

The OP said she didn’t want to get involved for whatever reason of her own, and she doesn’t have to take on the burden of helping this poor lady navigate anything, you don’t know what the situation is for the OP.

Seeing a mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown in the street with someone she doesn’t know well, and then telling the school is not a knee jerk reaction. It’s the smallest thing you can do, but it is doing something to protect the child. The smallest, weakest, most vulnerable person in this situation.

To be fair most people have their own worries/struggles and aren’t necessarily in a position to offer unconditional support to someone who they are not really sure how to help anyway. It’s not as if this woman is even known to the OP.
The reporting is not something I would rush to do but if I thought the children were being impacted I may do.

At least tell social services instead of the school if you're going to tell anyone. School isn't the place for women's abusive relationships to be aired unless social services think it's necessary.

This

Children who witness domestic violence are considered victims. I would not have promised confidentiality. You need to tell the safeguarding lead at the school and leave it to them to investigate.

@Roundroundthegarden it's not weird at all.

Exactly this. And even if you do make the number 1 mistake what’s more important? Safety of a child or the promise of confidentiality.

I would absolutely speak to the school. The safeguarding lead will be trained and experienced enough to know whether further action is needed. It will of course be treated in confidence. There is nothing to lose by telling the school and potentially it could be really important to do so.

This. People are being so, so harsh to the OP.

I'm glad that there are so many women on here with simple lives and all the time in the world to spend being an on-hand support worker in their community, but a lot of people don't have that kind of life. I assume that all of you who are getting on your sanctimonious high horses volunteer for Women's Aid as well, given how much time sympathy and time you willing to tell the OP to provide?

This is no simple matter, and not something you can just have a single coffee over to chat things through, FFS. What you are thinking!!?? This woman needs serious support of the type of intensity and depth normally provided by family members or very close friends. This could get very deep for the OP, very quickly, and if he's any danger, she would right to tread carefully regarding her own wellbeing and children.

OP, this sounds really serious to me. If you think the mum is being abused or is in danger, this is a police matter and the child could be in danger as well. The first step is that she has to initiate change, and that's a very scary thing. I personally point her towards woman's aid.

@totallynotstressingatall Why do you think it's on women to be free, on-hand, serious support workers, to anyone who requires this of them?? To be a listening ear to anyone in the community that needs it?

Even today, this expectation is massively placed on women's shoulders, to sort out other people's lives on top of managing their own.

If you want to be judge and care so much about this woman, perhaps you yourself should get personally involved and ask the OPs for the women's details eh?

many posters would rather report immediately than offer care, empathy and actual real guidance

It's wrong to assume that these two approaches are mutually exclusive. I cannot speak for every school but I can certainly assure you that anytime school parents have reported concerns about another family to me or my colleagues they have been treated with a great deal of care, respect and empathy. Our training and experience also means we are able to offer "actual real guidance". It's interesting that some posters talk about "reporting" safeguarding concerns as something you do to the parent, when it should be seen as something you do for a vulnerable child. It needs to be handled with care and sensitivity for the feelings of the adults in the situation, of course, but the bottom line is that the welfare of the child is the most important thing and some posters have lost sight of that.

Please stop giving the OP a hard time! She clearly need to talk this through and find where she wants to stand in this.

The woman must be at a breaking point of she confided in someone who she does not know well at all.

Would you not say and prefer to read she commited suicide instead? Or know years later that the little girl has been psychologically damaged by seeing domestic violence for years?

She might commit suicide being investigated by SS - because I can ASSURE you it’s always the mother that gets the pressure heaped on her. The men walk away unscathed.

If I was the OP I would have offered her to sit in my car or go for a coffee to talk and discussed what she could do. I’d have helped her look at Refuge and Women’s aid.

I appreciate not all women have the inclination to do this but I do know quite a lot of women who have actually been through this - and a surprising cost of SS whilst the husband is in the house is not helpful