Can't be bothered to meet friend -aibu?

[thisnoming]

Meeting a friend tomorrow and like normal it's me doing the travelling.
I don't drive either but it's a drinking day so makes no difference .
We are meeting in the town she lives in.
It's a 10 min taxi for her.
For me it's a 25 min bus into my city then 1 hour 15 min bus.
The taxi return would be over £100 so can't afford it.
We are meeting at 2
She's got a taxi booked for 1-45pm
I have to leave at 12pm
On the way home she is home in 10 mins and it's taking me 2 hours.
There's nothing really in between except little pubs.
Aibu to cancel?

What did you reply back?

Would it be easier to just travel to one of your towns and then stay over and then take it in turns?

But why didn't you say, 'Well, doesn't work for me, either -- let's leave it'?

Her reply gives you the perfect opportunity to say ‘I can’t really be bothered either let’s cancel’

or at least tell her it’s a lot of travelling for you and ask if you can stay at hers? I couldn’t think of anything worse than day drinking then having to get public transport for 2hrs to get home!

Cool. Tell her the same thing that you can’t be bothered to mess around travelling / trains either

It goes towards the friend's general level of pissed-off-ness. There's a difference between being cancelled on last minute for no particular good reason knowing that you could have done x instead, and being cancelled on when you are quite happy just to do your own thing instead. So depends on how much OP values the friendship - generally people try not to piss off their friends.

So say the same then. 🤷
She can hardly complain if she feels the same way can she?
Tell her you feel that she isn't making any effort.

Why have you agreed to a plan you don’t want to do and are then wanting to pull out the day before because you don’t want to do it!?

This. You agreed to it so don't be a flake. Just don't do it again. Tbh your distances don't seen a big deal as it takes me that long to meet people in central London all the time, but I appreciate it's unfair that you're doing all the legwork. That's the issue but you made the arrangements so I'd honour them and try to enjoy iy. Especially as it's the last time!

She has no interest in meeting mid way, so absolutely you can bail.

Don't think there's any point in berating OP.

@thisnoming if you want to cancel do it now and say you're not up to the journey, she'll have to compromise in the future as it's an unequal arrangement.

I'm a people pleaser
At the time I thought it's okay won't be too bad
Then the time comes around and I'm dreading it
Last time she got really drunk and left me without a clue where the bus station was
I'm going to ask again in the morning as her last message she said "il see if I can be bothered in the morning with the train "
" it's easier for me to just jump in taxi home "

Well, it’s up to you, I guess. I wouldn’t have agreed to it.

Oh god, stop messing around and just tell her you're not going. Why can't you tell her no?

Oh come on, don't let her get away with this. Don't go somewhere like that and spend all that money in time with someone who wouldn't do the same for you.

Well, doesn't sound like she's willing to put herself out to use public transport to meet you, but expects you to do it every time. Since you agreed to the arrangements this time, I think you should stick to them if you still want to continue to see each other, but in future put your foot down and insist you meet midway. To be honest, it sounds like she can't be arsed to change plans even though she's got time to rearrange, so she doesn't sound like she's interested enough in the friendship. In which case I'd bail out.

Her response “I’ll see if I can be bothered in the morning with the train” is also how you’re feeling. So maybe put your big girl pants on and tell her it would be best to re-arrange for another time you can both meet in the middle, or she can come to you and stay over.

If you can’t be bothered to travel to her and she can’t be bothered to meet you half way, I do have to ask, are you sure you’re both as close as you thought?

You sound a bit helpless. You can get yourself to a station without her presumably. If you're really dreading it cancel now. If you're a people pleaser, suck it up and go. If you don't want to, don't. But you're in the worst of both worlds going along with it and hating it but not exercising any agency.

Then this us not a balanced friendship and you need to consider the dynamics of it

So she’ll only meet somewhere easy for her?
And she’s not bothered if it’s an expensive lengthy hassle for you?
that’s enough info for me.

Excuse me 😢?

That was the time to decline the meet up. Cancelling now would be flakey, so let her know tomorrow you can start accommodating each other, or stop meeting.

Is this a friendship you are looking to distance yourself from? I don't know how old you are but most people age out of wanting to deal with drunk friends. It doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun.

Just say youre not upto the travel if shes your friend she'll understand! Better than be in crappy mood at her just cause of the travel you know

So reply yeah ok, meeting in X is far more of a faff for me than you meeting halfway, much better if we don't have to travel as far each, but yeah let me know.

And stop using 'people pleaser'. You won't be pleasing her if you cancel last minute, so it's not true. Own it, and work on being more assertive. It's freeing.

I would maybe say that you don't feel comfortable travelling home by yourself after a days drinking due to the distance and suggest meeting in the middle again . If she can't be bothered then I think that's really poor on her part.

So do something about being a 'people pleaser'? It's not a terminal condition, and it's easily cured, with work, honesty, and recognising that this isn't a good trait. It doesn't make you 'a nice person'.

It's weak, passive-aggressive, and puts off genuine friends. I mean, who would want to befriend someone who trots around after people they appear to dislike, travelling for hours to do something they don't want to do, all the while simmering with resentment -- and for what? Don't you value yourself and your time more than that? Isn't there something you would rather be doing tomorrow than trekking long distances to go day drinking with someone you don't seem to have much time for, and who doesn't seem that nice to you?