So confused my partner lives with me but won’t work …

[ShyLionesss]

my partner or should I say boyfriend lives with me well we live together, he does not work and has not for the whole time I been with him , .. I provide 95% of everything,, I Keep him in clothes, food ,scents , plus I have provided our 5 months old with everything ! I mean everything even the furniture for her bedroom pram clothes food milk , he has only got her 2 tins of milk :(( he does old jobs for his family abd gets paid bits here and there, I even get his family Xmas and bday gifts each year,, I just can’t take no more but I feel guilty for some reason,, he didn’t even rub my feet or back while being pregnant, not even a bunch of flowers after having baby lol ,, I’m a fool ??

Why on earth are you living like that? Why would you have a child with someone who doesn't work? Why do you let him live with you and the child without paying a penny? No man is worth that.

Surely the third option is to leave the relationship? You write as though that wasn't possible or even occurred to you.

@ShyLionesss

,, I’m a fool ??

OP, if you're asking this question then you surely know the answer.

Ask yourself a couple more questions:

1. "Am I really not worth more than this?"

1. "Am I really prepared to put up with a lazy cocklodger, and set such a bad example of relationships and responsibilities to my child, by staying with such a worthless man?"

Get him gone. Do one more thing for him and pack his bags. Don't listen when he says he has nowhere to go - he'll find someone else to scrounge off.

Then change your locks - for your own peace of mind, don't rely on the possibility he doesn't have a second set so he can let himself into your home when he feels like it.

And use this episode in your life to raise your bar, because you ARE worthy of more than this. 🌹

Sorry to be harsh but yes you are a fool!

that’s not a boyfriend or a partner. It’s a man child. Yes you’re a fool

Toy Boys can be expensive.

Are you on maternity leave op? What's the plan for when you return to work?

Definitely stay as you are. Make sure you have wraparound baby care when you go back to work soon, so you don't have to bother him with babysitting. Oh, and get married so he's secure xx

Wow. You want to get a ring on his finger before you lose him.

I voted YABU, he didn’t have work when you got together, he hasn’t had a proper job the whole time you’ve been with him, you let him move in knowing he can’t contribute and you then went on to have a child with him whilst he’s no way of helping financially support the baby. So to answer your question yes you are a fool so are you going to do something to change that?

@BibbleandSqwauk you would think, wouldn’t you. But it didn’t occur to me to leave when I was young with very low self esteem. I was in love and wanted it to work. My reasons for not leaving now are more complicated. There is a lot of guilt, combined with worry. But this isn’t about me. I was just trying to tell her that even if she gets him to pull his weight, he will probably resent her for it. It is better to be with someone who willingly wants to work and be a supportive partner than trying to mould one who doesn’t!

Won’t work? What do you mean won’t.

I’m prepared to have a guess though that I bet he always has money for weed / beer?

Oh FFS

Thing is?

Swap the sexes and you have a hell of lot of women who expect to live like this.

We could tell op to stop fucking feeding him/giving him access to money.

If it was a woman however, and a man tried to push them to work by cutting them off financially, everyone on here would say it was financial abuse.

Bullshit, what you are referring to is SAHP and he has been doing this before they had DC. If the agreement was OP would work, they had DC and he would be the SAHP then fine.

But that is not what is going on here is it.

Ten fifteen years ago, maybe.
That has changed, there is a lot less of that and I think women on MN often get a hard time unless they are the perfect victim.

I sympathise, OP. Your set up doesn't sound good

But @Pin0cchionailed it. This is MN land, where SAHM shouldn't be expected to do any chores as their day is taken up with looking after the baby. But that's not acceptable when it's the Dad who's at home

@Pin0cchio it's not often the same.
Women will stay at home and look after children well, do all the housework and family admin and so on.
Many women are doing all that and working.
If a woman was doing nothing then she'd get told to stop being so lazy or get some help for depression or something.

Where's this man's work ethic and desire to provide for his family? Why does he have no ambition?
It sounds suffocating and a depressing way to live.

I get that but playing devils advocate. Why do we assume a woman will be a useful, contributing SAHP, as opposed to assuming shes workshy?

I know loads of women who avoided getting any meaningful sort of job before children, then got pregnant relatively young by the first man who came along and never had any expectation whatsoever of a career.

I think as a society we still regard it as more reasonable for women to not woh than men.

This has to be a wind up!

@Pin0cchioit's not often the same.
Women will stay at home and look after children well, do all the housework and family admin and so on.

Plenty of men are capable of doing this too. My dad's always been great at cleaning, my DH does a lot of the family admin and is fantastic with our DC.

Plenty of women are lazy as sahp and use it a reason to not work. Being workshy isn't limited to men

Where's this man's work ethic and desire to provide for his family? Why does he have no ambition?

Again though, we don't expect all women to have a desire to "provide for their family" financially.

We definitely don't expect all women to have "ambition"!

This guy clearly is a cocklodger but there are some pretty outdated views on here.

What the fuck is going wrong that women don’t KNOW this is unacceptable?

We’re not talking about someone changing here - this is a man who has been the same from the start. How it even got to him moving in is beyond me.

To be honest, I think not getting your back or feet rubbed, during pregnancy, is the least of your worries.

What are you getting out of this relationship?🤔