DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

Have you driven in Auckland when the schools are coming out? Whenever I'm driving there I can't wait to get away from the traffic.

The other downside to NZ is the earthquake risk. I lived through the Christchurch earthquake (in the city centre).

No, I'm not in AKL. I've heard the traffic there is pretty bad though.

I'm sorry you lived through that. Horrible time for NZ.

Job offers may not be all that they seem. Also if it is ever last in first out should a business reduce jobs.

Whittakers tastes like cheap candy to me (I'm a chocolate connoisseur/chocaholic and spend a fair bit of money on the best chocolate from around the world 😂) But I know some ppl love it.

It's been a long time since I had Whittakers, but my memories of it are positive. I don't like Cadbury anymore. I just got some Lindt dark, but that's not my favourite. I might prefer Nestle these days, though tend to go more for boutique brands these days. I just always check it's got proper cocoa butter, not vegetable oil.

I have a friend in the UK who lives in a house with ill fitting windows, the cold air whistles through them. He's buying another house which needs work to damp proof it. Doesn't sound much like high standards to me. There were lots of threads on MN in winter from people who couldn't afford to heat their homes and were looking for tips on how to keep warm. Doesn't sounds like such a paradise to me.

Sorry to hear this @mycatisanarcissist . This must of been horrific for you.

Fair enough. I can only go off my own experiences.

Before I returned to NZ I lived up north in the UK (this was a few years ago) and I paid about 50-70 GBP per month in the winter to heat my house and I was always nice and cosy. I had double glazing and insulation. The walls were thick and made of brick.

It's common for houses in the UK to have double glazing (which makes a big difference), insulation and central heating.

My last house in NZ was made of wood (like a shed), single glazed, not much insulation and a gap in one window for the wind to come through. It was essentially a wooden tree house. It cost 150 GBP to heat in the winter for one month. I really resented paying that much given I was always cold.

However, I do know heating costs in the UK have risen a lot in the last 3 years since I left so if I was back in the UK I may be paying more than 50-70 GBP per month to heat a home.

Every single NZ house that was on Wanted Down Under had grey carpets. What’s that all about? Is it the National carpet colour and are other colours banned?
Also, the kitchens were always white with grey units.

At one stage I was encouraging my adult child to look at moving - not for imminent war fears but because climate change is going to result in major problems with mass migration and wars over scarce resources. It is likely to happen in your child's lifetime and New Zealand may be the safest location in 30 years time. But it is a sexist country. Women may have had some rights earlier in the past but now the trans rights activists are keen to remove any protections for women and that has revealed how deeply sexist NZ is. Do you plan to have more children, I wouldnt want my child raising a daughter there? You would have difficulty in bringing your son back if you needed to leave.

Your husband is not being totally irrational but you will be isolated and will have much less contact with family. You will need to make new friends. You will sacrifice a lot.

You should visit there before you move there. The attitudes you encounter and the feelings of those who live there will open your eyes enough for you to decide if you’d be comfortable living there.

The kitchens and bathrooms in NZ are often outdated. The carpets can be old, too.

I have a bathroom that is straight out of the 70s. Dodgy wallpaper. Vinyl tiles that are decades old. Very old toilet and bath. No heating whatsoever and no plug nearby for a heater. I have to run a 7 metre extension cord to get heating in here.

My kitchen is also terribly outdated and from the 1980s/1990s.

This house costs 450,000 GBP (3 bedrooms).

@anyolddinosaur

Do you have evidence to back up your claim below because I am really interested in this.

But it is a sexist country. Women may have had some rights earlier in the past but now the trans rights activists are keen to remove any protections for women and that has revealed how deeply sexist NZ is.

I have lived with this anxiety - I could not make him understand that rationally moving 30 miles across the channel would not solve his hatred of dull days!
I don't think the country is the problem, I think it is the urge to uproot the family for the wrong reasons.
OP, if you do not want to go, you have to say so, clearly. Your wishes are every bit as valid as his.

New Zealand is a gorgeous country with surprising similarities to the U.K. in the landscape, language, outlook and food.

the people are very friendly so if you are willing I’m sure making a new circle of friends would happen. And sounds like a great opportunity for your husband’s career.

my view is - why not take the opportunity and if it doesn’t work after a 2 year try then it’s no big issue - your child is young enough to move. You’re a team and rightly you both need to be 100% onboard. Go and have a look see visit with an open mind and then decide.

my parents had the opportunity to move from a war zone to Canada in the 1970’s and didn’t due to my mothers reluctance. A big mistake imho.

I’ve since spent time as an expat and it’s opened a whole new world with choices, great friends and an international outlook. I’ll encourage my children to do the same and not be stuck to one place out or misguided fear of the world and new experiences.

good luck with your decision making.

This! Sounds like he is panicking and being irrational. There is no imminent threat of war.

@goodnightkiwi we all saw what happened here https://sex-matters.org/posts/freedom-of-speech/let-women-speak-in-new-zealand/

And it’s not the only incident to have happened in NZ like this. Granted the rest of the world is just as sexist but you can’t deny NZ is too. As a country it seems to care more about men and trans rights than a woman’s right to be safe and free of men.

I imagine it’s their location that is the key. I’m in a major centre and never have to wait more than a couple of days.

This came at work recently as one of the women was bemoaning not not being able to get an appointment for ten days. She lives semi rurally and will only go to a specific GP, who works very reduced hours. General consensus was a couple/few days is normal for own GP, same day or next day if happy with any GP at practice.

Six weeks is very unusual, but possible if they live rurally with a small practice that has lost a GP or two recently

Dhs family are in nz. It is a stunningly beautiful country. I love going there. Except for the flights out and back. Yuk.

however it’s not without its issues.

if you don’t drive then you’ll struggle. As places are far from each other.

As well as all the issues pp have mentioned (your dh's irrational fears, the fact you couldn't leave with your kids without his consent, Abbas your isolation of you can't drive) woods you really want to be so far from family and friends? That's an awful lot of zoom calls! I'd hate to raise kids without even a vague support system local to me.

Could you got for a holiday, I think you should consider it and research fully before saying no, but if you do get all the facts and still don’t like the idea then of course you can refuse

@WhenTheMoonShines
thanks for that. Totally agree that this incident was a total disgrace.

if you are interested, this article was released by the NZ Herald today: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/posie-parker-assault-case-tomato-juice-protester-eli-rubashkyn-pleads-guilty/J4XEWQPOJZF4XP654KYDSJTX2Q/

Indeed. Those of us who lived our whole lives under threat of nuclear war during the Cold War would tell him to chill out!