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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

589 replies

Notnowbarnaby · 06/06/2024 16:21

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb · 07/06/2024 07:53

My sister and her DH were in a similar situation except for Oz.
They took it, the company paid for their relocation costs and helped find them schools and a house.
Neither of them had ever been to Oz, their reasons for going were due mainly to negative push factors in the UK as much as positive knowledge on Oz.

It worked well, they've been there ten years+ now, are full citizens and the kids are young adults with great opportunities ahead. They uprooted their children much older (end of primary school) which I think is harder.
They have a similar housing problem to uk though of first time buyers struggling to get on the ladder... So is not Eutopia and the country has it's issues.

It worked as

  • they both wanted to go due to bad work opportunities here and poor work life balance,
  • they were both committed to give it a go.
  • They had a plan for return if it didn't work out.
  • They didn't have rose coloured glasses on and expect it to be perfect, it was stressful at times and leaving family was hard - they expected that.

I think in your case, given you don't feel so keen you could go on the condition that it was a trial, so you agree to give it 2/3/4 years, treat it as an adventure and have an exit plan and a place to come back to.

But my biggest concern in your shoes would be that the conversation doesn't seem to be balanced with both sides being heard. You both need to discuss is realistically and not shut down doubts or concerns, but explore them constructively. If he is normally respectful of your pov you could help from your side by sorting him you are at least willing to consider it properly and not just dismiss out of hand, because if it doesn't happen you don't want a while ton of what if's laid at your door for years to come.

My sister rented her house out for a while back in the UK and it was only sold once they were happy they didn't intend to come home (a few years). As it was, if they had come home it would have done no harm to their lives and would have just been an interesting thing on their CV.

mbosnz · 07/06/2024 07:53

For me, the whole to'ing and fro'ing on this thread can be summed up by saying, 'New Zealand is different from the UK (newsfuckingflash, country on the other side of the world is different to the UK - who woulda thunk it?) It's houses are different, (yes, it's geography and climate are different, as are the building techniques and most readily available building materials), its education system is different, its retailing systems are different. . . It's not Little England Personified. Thank God!

The main thing for you OP, is that this has been sprung on you by your husband, unilaterally, with sweet bugger all research done, let alone boots on ground. You have a young family.

Emigrating is bloody hard work, and very stressful. Even when you are both 100% committed, it is extremely stressful and can put immense strain on a relationship. It is very expensive, which makes it very hard for many people to be prepared to cut loose on the sunken costs, and call it a day if it's not working. This is even harder with kids in the mix.

NattyTurtle · 07/06/2024 07:57

goodnightkiwi · 07/06/2024 07:34

@anyolddinosaur

Do you have evidence to back up your claim below because I am really interested in this.

But it is a sexist country. Women may have had some rights earlier in the past but now the trans rights activists are keen to remove any protections for women and that has revealed how deeply sexist NZ is.

Interesting isn't it. I don't know a single woman in NZ who has the angst I continually read on threads on MN about how dangerous and awful men are, and how posters have a conniption fit if a lone man they don't know should - gasp!!! - speak to them. I've never heard anyone even mention men in women's loos, changing rooms, whatever. Most of us are happily going about our lives as usual, feeling we have all the "rights" we need.

Echobelly · 07/06/2024 07:59

I wouldn't be in a rush to do it. In these cases it's always better to stress the benefits of remaining here rather than giving All The Reasons New Zealand is a Bad Idea, which will likely make him defensive. And rather than putting the kibosh on the idea, why not suggest that one day you all visit NZ and then you can assess if it's something to consider one day. That way it's not just a No, it's a 'No, but...'

My DH has often talked about leaving the country but I don't want to. He's never been vehement but basically it could only ever happen if I organised it, and I'm not going to.

mycatisanarcissist · 07/06/2024 08:00

NattyTurtle · 07/06/2024 07:57

Interesting isn't it. I don't know a single woman in NZ who has the angst I continually read on threads on MN about how dangerous and awful men are, and how posters have a conniption fit if a lone man they don't know should - gasp!!! - speak to them. I've never heard anyone even mention men in women's loos, changing rooms, whatever. Most of us are happily going about our lives as usual, feeling we have all the "rights" we need.

Show quote history

I'm a woman in NZ and I don't like that men now have legal access to our single sex spaces. I left my gym because it now admits men into the womens' changing rooms.

HideousKinky · 07/06/2024 08:06

I lived abroad for 10 years when my 3 DDs were young and agree with all the points FirstBabySnnorer makes

jeaux90 · 07/06/2024 08:06

I've lived abroad with a young kid, it's isolating without family or support.

gardenmusic · 07/06/2024 08:09

'I’ll encourage my children to do the same and not be stuck to one place out or misguided fear of the world and new experiences'.

But that applies to holidays, gap years etc. Yes, travel as much as you can, and have those experiences.
If you decide to move abroad for work, it's a joint decision - and one that you can come back from, without your spouse, but with your child should you decide to.
It is a totally different scenario to move a wife and child, to somewhere none of them have visited, when the wife is reluctant to move, starts off at a disadvantage, and all because the husband is suffering from anxiety.

Workawayxx · 07/06/2024 08:14

Peridot1 · 06/06/2024 16:23

My main worry would be that if you ever split up and you want to go home to the arak you wouldn’t be able to take your child/children.

There was a really heartbreaking thread on here a few years ago from a woman in that position. And I’ve seen one a few years ago from a woman in Australia too.

This is what would concern me too. You may feel your relationship is rock solid currently but you never know what will happen. On this basis I think I’d want to forge my own career etc if I moved to NZ and ensure I was able to remain under my own steam. Can you visit before you decide?

Trixiefirecracker · 07/06/2024 08:19

We did this years ago (back home now), what I would say is that it’s a very long way to go and can feel quite isolating. NZ, although very lovely is quite provincial and I did find that tricky. When you need to get home quickly that’s not really possible. It does really feel you are at the edge of the world and even flying to Australia from there is a long flight.

MarshmallowChocolate · 07/06/2024 08:24

mbosnz · 07/06/2024 07:53

For me, the whole to'ing and fro'ing on this thread can be summed up by saying, 'New Zealand is different from the UK (newsfuckingflash, country on the other side of the world is different to the UK - who woulda thunk it?) It's houses are different, (yes, it's geography and climate are different, as are the building techniques and most readily available building materials), its education system is different, its retailing systems are different. . . It's not Little England Personified. Thank God!

The main thing for you OP, is that this has been sprung on you by your husband, unilaterally, with sweet bugger all research done, let alone boots on ground. You have a young family.

Emigrating is bloody hard work, and very stressful. Even when you are both 100% committed, it is extremely stressful and can put immense strain on a relationship. It is very expensive, which makes it very hard for many people to be prepared to cut loose on the sunken costs, and call it a day if it's not working. This is even harder with kids in the mix.

Yep, two important points here. It really does put a strain on your relationship. And it does cost a lot. Probably more than you expect but you'll be there before you find that out.

needsomewarmsunshine · 07/06/2024 08:24

I'd divorce dh before I was ever pushed into something I had serious reservations about.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/06/2024 08:25

If you are not 100% sure then don't do it. My first husband had neurotic ideas about the UK and dragged us off to different countries constantly. I absolutely hated it and was very lonely. I ended up divorcing him and going home.
He should know better than to believe tiktok rubbish and if he is that immature you should not be going anywhere with him.

Naunet · 07/06/2024 08:26

NattyTurtle · 07/06/2024 07:57

Interesting isn't it. I don't know a single woman in NZ who has the angst I continually read on threads on MN about how dangerous and awful men are, and how posters have a conniption fit if a lone man they don't know should - gasp!!! - speak to them. I've never heard anyone even mention men in women's loos, changing rooms, whatever. Most of us are happily going about our lives as usual, feeling we have all the "rights" we need.

Show quote history

New Zealand has the highest rates of domestic violence in the developed world, but yes, I’m sure none of the men are sexist at all, just women being dramatic. 🙄

MarshmallowChocolate · 07/06/2024 08:27

Also don't move without considering the implications for yourself if your children decide to leave NZ and you're there all alone for your old age. I know people in this position and it's rough.

Avatartar · 07/06/2024 08:32

Sounds great on the surface but full of unknowns. Do you really want to close your eyes and jump into an abyss and change your life.
the risk of the DCs being stuck there and not able to bring them home if I split from DH would make me say no. We can’t predict the future but that’s a deal breaker for me

Viviennemary · 07/06/2024 08:38

YANBU. But it's a great opportunity. You should go.

Miyagi99 · 07/06/2024 08:46

FirstBabySnnorer · 06/06/2024 19:43

DH and I moved abroad (about 6000 miles away, so not quite NZ but very far). We don't regret it but it's hard. A few things I'd say:

  1. Your relationship needs to be rock solid. It adds so much stress to a marriage and you don't have your usual support network. Lots of marriages break up when they get here.
  1. You will NOT visit the UK as often as you think. We make excellent money but after a while, the 13 hour flight is such a PAIN and you will want actual vacations. Using up almost all your annual leave to hang out with MIL gets old fast.
  1. At the same time, you will miss your family terribly.
  1. You BOTH need to be happy. It's a big challenge, if you're going to go through it, you both need to be excited about it and get something out of it. Both your lives need to be better. If not, see point 1.
  1. Your son's age is actually great for moving to be fair.
  1. The move needs to be researched carefully, know what you're getting yourself into.

Your DH is being very irrational. I would not uproot my life and my child for a man who watches too much crap on TikTok. See point 1.

Edited

And the flight time is twice that for NZ!!

GripGetter · 07/06/2024 08:50

TomPinch · 06/06/2024 23:53

Bringing a plate is just an easy way of sharing the load. It's not because of cost.

Mind you, I'd estimate that frush fruit, vig, fush, meat and iggs are about 30% pricier than in the UK.

fruit, vig, fush, meat and iggs

😆Let alone the cost of a chully bun for camping!

justasking111 · 07/06/2024 08:50

Say one of you gets a great job out there. Is your partner able to find a job easily or are there barriers to spouses working?

Starlight1979 · 07/06/2024 08:53

I agree with most PPs. I went to NZ on a working visa. We loved it but it is very different to the UK (don't think it's the same as the UK because they speak English!), is very expensive and, as others have said, without wanting to point out the obvious, is VERY far away if you wanted / needed to get back.

I broke up with my ex whilst over there and desperately wanted to get home to my family in the UK. The only way of doing it at any short notice was by 5 connecting flights - Christchurch > Auckland > LA > London > Manchester. It cost an absolute fortune and took the better part of 48 hours.

You say you've never even been?! Absolute madness. Don't do it. There are far, FAR too many risks involved here.

Also, just to point out, if a war breaks out, what makes NZ exempt???

Usernameizavailable · 07/06/2024 08:54

HerRoyalNotness · 06/06/2024 16:26

You’re unreasonable to say no without fully investigating it.

i hope it’s a great offer as it’s very expensive there. I’m from NZ and can’t afford to move back. Which city is it likely to be? What’s the general industry he’s in?

The fact she will be so far from her friends and family is a good enough reason to say no. No amount of further investigation going to change that.

Wideskye · 07/06/2024 08:55

I really regret not taking up the jobs we were offered in NZ. We had spent several months travelling around and working in NZ and fell in love with lifestyle, scenery, people etc.
The work life balance was far better than we ever had in our jobs in UK

We didn't want to leave widowed mothers. As it turned out we were 5 hours from MIL and 7 hours from DM. (on a good run).we had no family support where we live in England.

I wish our children had been given the freedom that NZ seemed to offer in the 90s.

Saying that it has to be a joint decision to even consider emigration. And the grass isn't always greener.
Many people end up having to move for a better job whether in another area of UK or overseas.
We both think 'What if' with a tinge of regret.

You obviously have to do a lot of research etc before you can reject the idea.

Can you have a holiday to NZ?
Or could you g for a raial period?

NasiDagang · 07/06/2024 09:02

Abi86 · 06/06/2024 21:38

I’d go. It’s an opportunity of a lifetime. NZ is beautiful. You’ll get away from the overcrowding and all the other things that are slowly decaying in the UK. Your son is more likely to thrive in NZ than the UK. As to your job and working more generally, you’ll find something - after all, partners do work.

Lots of anti British sentiments here. I grew up in Malaysia and I'm really happy to live in Britain. This country might be decaying but it's still a great place to be in, wish people will stop putting it down. NHS saved me when I was having health problems and I wouldn't want to pay for medical care like New Zealand or Malaysia!