DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

Op your Dh needs to see a therapist, his anxiety cannot make decision for the whole family. It's crazy he wants you all to move there when you have never been to NZ.

For other posters, who say NZ is beautiful, is a better country than UK, better is a bit subjective when it comes to 2 developed countries and one is your home country. I live in Switzerland after many years in the UK. Dspite beautiful scenery in mountains, and general cleanliness, better safety and transport and more money in CH, I miss my life in UK. Don't know about NZ, but beautiful and so called perfect places can be dull,very regimented. Winter can be very difficult in such places. UK has it's struggles, but still provides good opportunities, it is in Europe, easy access to different cultures, it is literally centre of the world, Op will be so far from her home in NZ.

Don't mean to derail the OP's thread, but in case this was a serious question:

For starters, the war that's likely to break out throughout Europe within the next decade? What do you think will happen if Russia win in Ukraine? They'll just stop there and be happy? No, they'll go for the Baltics next...members of NATO, which the UK is also a member of. Are you hoping the UK won't live up to their member obligations? Do you think they'll remove the troops already based overseas, or do you think they'll add to them? Do you think the physical and cyber attacks on infrastructure that have taken place throughout Europe and the UK will suddenly stop, or do you think they'll ramp up even more? What do you think this will mean in terms of supply chains, healthcare and banking?? What about increasing inteference with democratic elections? Do you think that will suddenly stop, or do you think Russia will be bolder in their inteference? If Russia can poison people in public in the UK when we're, theoretically, at peace, what do you think will happen when we're at war?

I guess no-one knows the answer to that question. I have friends who over the years lived abroad, none of the partners could work, which is fine if you enjoy the lifestyle.

Well yes this. I wouldn't even contemplating towns, let alone continents with so little thought, discussion or consideration. This is just bonkers.

I agree although I think it does get quite cold in winter. Not quite like the UK but given that the houses are poorly insulated and don't have central heating as such, it can feel perpetually damp and miserable in winter. Also Wellington is so, so windy so if you live there then winters can feel a bit bleak and depressing with the wind constantly going right through you.

NZ is like going back 20 or 30 years in some ways, both good and bad. Although it's not geographically particularly small, it's so sparsely populated and even the 'big' cities are not big at all really. Imagine being a bit bigger than the UK but with half the population of London in the entire country.

Lots of places have quite a small town mentality which can feel claustrophic after a while. There isn't anything like the choice and availability of shopping that we are used to here and everything is very expensive. I know people who have emigrated there and ended up coming back after a few years because although they liked it at first, the novelty wore off after a while and frustrations set in. I also have Kiwi friends who say they probably never go back because the people who've never left tend to be quite small minded and have Tall Poppy Syndrome.

I will go against the majority and say take the offer. Things are awful here and would get much worse soon. The war is also a possibility but an offer of a very well paid job abroad now is a god sent. May be go for a few years and as others said do not sell your house here just yet. NZ is supposed to be also very good for climate change issues. All the best with what you decide.

Also, ignore the haters, your husband sounds very clever to have found that opportunity and thinking about his family.

That is excellent advice and I agree with all of it. A few years of a different lifestyle, embracing the experience without burning your bridges so you can always come back, when (or if) things ever get any better here.

He needs help with his paranoia. Going to NZ will not help with that given their approach to Covid was even more hysterical than nearly every other civilised country.

It is 24 hours by plane. Several flights a day I’d reckon. It’s not exactly the moon. A friend of mine comes over to Switzerland for the nz long summer and works as a ski instructor. Every year. She’s here within 24 hours and back within another 24 of departure. The magic of modern travel!

I get the feeling many of the views on here are from people who visited many years ago. Most of the major art and culture events do get to nz ( admittedly tickets are quite costly) and the restaurant and cafe scene is world’s ahead of the uk ( with the obvious exception of London). I was spoiled for choice every time I visited and the food was of a totally different quality.

Again, it's not about New Zealand.

This is what I said. A lot of people commenting aren’t up to date. I live in Nz and travel back every year. Parents come here. It’s really not a biggie. The cost is comparable to package holidays in Europe. I love trips back to the U.K. as can indulge in the things I love without having to live in the misery year round.

My brother and his wife went to NZ on his work visa, she and the children settled well and loved it but he was incredibly unhappy there it finally came to a head and he came home as she didn’t have the visa she couldn’t stay, if she had she openly said she and the children would not have returned, they did come back and she didn’t forgive him and within 6 months she left him and they have shared care of them children it destroyed their marriage they had been together 25 years before they went and were always happy the pressure of not having family and friends made everything so much more intense. She loved the lifestyle he didn’t, he did encounter quite a bit of negativity from the people re brits coming over and taking jobs, he found that hard, he also said it was like being in the past it there. It was a huge mistake for them and cost a fortune

This is exactly what my brother said about it, like being stuck in the past he found it shocking

This!! It’s not about whether he wants to live to New Zealand , Australia or timbuctoo! It’s about wanting to uproot his entire family & change his life completely based on paranoia about war generated by too much time on Tik Tok

Gotta enjoy all the Brits commenting on NZ being stuck in the past. Love the irony.

Well, my mum alwas resented the fact that my dad refused to move to Australia post war, when fabulous conditions were given to those prepared to emigrate.

The way I read it, he has many reasons for wanting to move- a great job too, and a new beginning and adventure- and take family to somewhere he believes to be at lower risk in case of an escalating conflict with Russia or the Middle East.

And he is totally right that the UK would be at much higher risk in such a case. This is not paranoia either.

I know, right?!

Agreed. And totally not getting the stuck in the past or oppressed women thing. It was the first country in the world to give women the vote. They had until recently a woman pm. All the nz women I know are very far from oppressed.

I moved to Australia and my marriage broke up after a few years, Yes, you are basically stuck there if that happens. And visits back to the UK are not a given in that scenario if your partner does not give permission for their passports to be renewed, which can happen.

Many people have suggested a reconnaissance visit but the problem with that is you cannot foresee life several years down the track.
The flights back and forth are still a long way, regardless of what other posters say. My siblings have only come out once due to the cost and the fact you need to come out for a decent amount of time to make a 24 hour journey each way worth it. My mother came out more often but is too old to travel now. I am only able to make it back to the UK every 2 years - it depends on what’s happening with the kids. It’s easier to travel in the primary years but trickier once in secondary with major exams and or finances.

So, if you are close to your family and friends, I would not do it. I underestimated the value of their company and support. If you are very independent, make friends easily, a go getter and have a very solid marriage then perhaps. I would point out that the fact that it’s all DH’s idea and he is putting pressure on you to go despite your understandable doubts - this is a red flag. In a solid marriage, he would not be expecting you to fall into line with his anxiety about Russia and a decision to emigrate would be jointly and mutually desired.

How sad for your dad.

Nobody should feel pressured to uproot themselves and move across the world, away from their friends and family. It’s a recipe for disaster.

If you have a dream to live in a country 24 hours away, make sure you’re with someone who shares that dream. Being resentful because they don’t, is unforgivable.

But it goes both ways, surely. One is stopping the other to reach for a different future.

Whichever way it goes- it seems one will be disappointed, and probably unable to hide resentment. At least OP should be prepared to be more open and show interest, and to at least discuss it.

I am so so grateful that as a couple we have travelled a lot and worked abroad on several occasions for a period of time, and that we were both on the same page.

Thankyou Calliopespa. So many posts from people who have never been here made on the say-so of others. I take exception with the ‘cold house’ comments, yes central heating isn’t a thing here granted, but if you think the lot of us sit here shivering all winter you are wrong. I’ve said upthread it’s different, it’s not the UK.

That’s the key, then, isn’t it?

Marry/ cohabit with someone who shares your dreams.

Don’t make someone feel like shit for the next 30 years because they wouldn’t move across the world with you.

And in this particular instance, I wouldn’t advise op to entertain this move at all. Her husband needs help with his mental health.

Both sides of the partnership need to be 100% on board. Not someone having their arm twisted for fear of being blamed for missed opportunities.