DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

I think if he has an excellent job offer, you shouldn't automatically discount the move just because you are afraid of change. But I would question your DH further about his reasons. When I read the title of your post I thought it was going to be about your DH wanting to move because of the increasingly dire situation of absolutely everything in the UK, but if it really is because he has severe anxiety about the potential for war, I wouldn't be so quick to move. (I mean, he's not wrong about war - if Russia isn't stopped in Ukraine there will be another war within the next decade...how far it spreads is anyone's guess, but given that China is on the same side as Russia, I don't imagine that Australia and NZ will be much safer than the UK. BUT, any anxiety or mental health issues he has now, he will take with him. Whilst I think a move to NZ is more than likely to be hugely positive, that doesn't mean it will be problem free, and if he can't cope with those challenges, you may find youself 4 months post-move, half way around the world and in the same situation you're in now.)

I think it's reasonable for him to do a lot more research and share the results with you (what will the company relocation package be, will they pay for x number of trips back to the UK each year, education, healthcare, do both your parents needs support and what are the options for someone else providing that if you move, if you own property in the UK, will you rent it out or sell it etc), which I think you should consider with an open mind.

What war is going to affect the UK?

^ 100%

I feel exactly the same way. I love spending time there and temporarily enjoying all the silence and the feeling of being a long, long way from anywhere, with so few people for company. But it's not long before my desire for the texture that comes with an older society and culture and history kicks in, nor the desire for a good curry or for some world-leading theatre or buzzing arts festival. I couldn't bear to imagine never visiting Italy or France or Spain again because of travel costs: of never living in or visiting somewhere that is no more than 180 years old. The house I live in is older than anything in NZ.

This is not dissing NZ, it's acknowledging the differences. NZ is paradise for people who thrive on fresh air and sports and peace and quiet and nature, or who are happy to spend their days gardening and enjoying the small-town pleasures of their locality. Some people hate cities and don't thrive in busy spots: some people don't seem to need culture and history. I do: I didn't realise how badly I missed those things until I went to New Zealand.

Moving abroad is really hard even when you want to. It would be a disaster for you. It may even end your marriage.

I‘m honestly surprised that so many people are answering the OP as if she’s asked a normal question i.e. should we emigrate to NZ?

Her question actually is ‘should I indulge my anxious and paranoid husband, who watches a lot of unverified TikTok crap, by uprooting ourselves and moving to the other side of the world to a country picked pretty much at random because he’s decided it’s safer?’

Yes, this is my take on it. The job is kind of a red herring as far as I'm concerned.

Hello @Notnowbarnaby

Re your DH anxiety, in my experience when people with anxiety make decisions for these kinds of reasons, having got what they think they needed, they just find something else to focus their anxiety on. So whatever you do, this can’t be the main reason for a move.

“my mum is on her own now and she doesn’t fly! She has many phobias to do with travel so I would have to always come back to her.” - this would be a deal breaker for me.

That said, in my opinion, these would be the main reasons to move to NZ:

• The pace of life. It is not as fast and stressful. It just feels like there’s more time for living .
• An outdoorsy lifestyle. You don’t have to be an avid mountain biker/kayaker/triathlete but you should be someone who gets joy from the outdoors - walking, picnics, bbqs, days at the beach.
• More sunshine hours. The winter days aren’t as long and dark and there is significantly more sunshine in summer.
• It is breathtakingly beautiful in a way that fills your heart. Yes parts of the UK are beautiful too but honestly you could live almost anywhere in NZ and still have stunning scenery just on your doorstep. Even in its biggest city Auckland has beautiful beaches in and just outside it.
• Your kids will (probably) have more of a carefree childhood. Yes maybe the education standards won’t be as high, but they will be allowed to be kids longer without having exam stress piled on from an early age. This would be one of my main reasons for moving home - I want my child to experience a kiwi childhood.

Lots of posters have raised very valid drawbacks (house prices, food prices, remoteness, etc). None of what I’ve put above means I don’t think these are true, it’s just about weighing what’s important to you and what you can afford financially.

Good luck making this decision together.

Exactly. I'd be concerned for his mental health tbh.

Sorry yes I was replying to someone else but in my head I was thinking of Wellington. But same would apply. That was even smaller !

My DH was headhunted for a job in NZ about 15 years ago, he lived there for a couple of months as a student and loved it. He also has two friends there, I had met one when in the UK and liked him. It’s just too far from the UK so we decided not to go for it. Ages of the children made it hugely awkward, also giving up my job and older parents to consider.

Yes this exactly!!

i wonder as he was so blindsided by covid whether he is thinking along the lines of “NZ shut itself off & the death rate was lower therefore the same applies to war”?

bluntly if (very large if) there is another world war, NZ won’t be any safer than anywhere else if nuclear weapons come into play

Tell him China is going to invade New Zealand.

Happy to help.

One more thing to consider - if you plan on having any more children, NZ is a much better place to be. A relative gave birth recently there - after the birth she was allowed to stay in the birth centre for two days, Scandinavian style. Her room had a double bedroom with ensuite (so her partner could also stay to help) & there was a common room for visitors that was stocked with toast & snacks 24/7 (ideal after gving birth at night - no starving till breakfast). Yes, it is a long way away, but it isn't in the mess the UK is in. I'd ask for a trial visit so see what you think before dismising it.

Be aware that moving abroad is a strain on mental health, it is stressful even if it is a good move. Your DHs mental health sounds poor so this move could be very bad for him.

I would go for the adventure. New Zealand is beautiful. It is so different to the UK and going somewhere completely different would be amazing. I absolutely would not go because of a fear of WW3 however. You could stay for a couple of years and then return in time for secondary school and to be closer to family (if you wanted to!) or you might love it and want to stay. I don't think you have much to lose by going for a couple of years. It would be wonderful. Tell your DH to stay off TikTok!

Be aware many of you telling you to move have never lived abroad. I have. It is stressful dealing with inevitable bureaucracy when you have no idea how systems work and have to learn from scratch, when parenting standards and expectations from schools may be very different from the UK, when you do not have any family and friends there, and when there are cultural differences. It is doubly hard if you are the spouse who does not have a job, and so no way of anchoring yourself in your new country.
I would never say do not move abroad. But you really have to understand what you are moving to. It is very different from going on holiday somewhere, and you have not even done that!!

@atotalshambles it's not always as simple as that if relationship goes wrong and you do possibly have quite a lot to lose financially. Unless you are taking very little stuff - it's easy to lose £20k on this little adventure!

I think it's often said by people who did no such thing- we did Copenhagen for 20 months and came back for various reasons- not because we didn't like it- cost us around £14k of our own money

And at its worst, if you divorce, you can be made to stay in the country if you want custody, so no coming home.

Or forced to leave it if you lose your spousal visa.

OH GOD FINALLY!!!

😂

I'm a kiwi, and moved to the UK. Marriage broke down and due to joint custody now couldn't move back anyway, but frankly I wouldn't want to.

Countryside is lovely, but if you want that, move to Scotland or Wales. For everything else, stay in the UK.

I also wonder what DH's next panic would be about once they had moved to NZ....you always take yourself with you.

His anxiety is the major thing you need to address here, because moving won't make that go away. There will something new to fret about. And his anxiety may become more overwhelming and if you decide to divorce you'll be stuck.