DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

Were you not the person claiming none of your female friends in New Zealand are worried about men?! So it’s you who needs perspective, rates of violence against women there are exceptionally high. No one said the UK didn’t have the same problem on a smaller scale. Facts aren’t a personal attack.

My Tesco has big gaps in the fresh produce section (fruit & veg) and they have now taken to including books in the empty spaces in the fruit and veg section 😂

It reminds me of pandemic

EDITED to say I'm in London

This is an insane reason to move to the other side of the world.

My local LIdl, Aldi and largest Asda all made their fruit and veg section smaller. So there are no gaps.....

Why? She doesn’t want to go, thats all she needs to say no. She doesn’t want to ‘investigate’ further - I’m sure she knows all that she needs to know. Ie how far away it is (a 24 hour journey), what support network she will have (none).

Yeah I don’t get this either.

I have absolutely zero desire to move across the world, away from my friends and family. So I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. If my husband wanted to go, it’d have to be without me and the kids.

Yes I do think it's irrational to want to move your family half way round the world because of this.

To be fair - and to give a balanced perspective - the domestic violence figures are skewed (sadly) due to the over representation of the Māori population when it comes to domestic violence. Facts are not facts when a single percentage figure is taken as a comparator without further analysis

EDITED to say facts can be misleading without further analysis

I guess, however, she happens to be married to someone who does. Marriage doesn’t compel people to do things but a good marriage should be open to at least exploring the other’s dreams.

Sorry busy couple of days and didn’t expect to have that many responses.

lots of things to mull over, just going to read the latest replies

Moving to the back of beyond is not a decision to take lightly or quickly. It’s a huge physical and psychological distance. I can confirm from personal experience there’s NEVER a good time to call home and it’s hard to maintain existing relationships.
You also need to confirm if you can work before going - a must.
what do you enjoy doing? NZ is beautiful, lovely outdoors lifestyle but parochial beyond all belief. Even Auckland is like a regional British town in terms of scope / scale of activities.
in my view definite breaks need to be pot on this to allow proper exploration of work, location, needs and wants in life.
your son will be fine - he’ll love it, despite inevitable estrangement from grandparents etc. It's you, the trailing spouse, who will potentially struggle, so don’t even turn this into it being a worry about your son.

It doesn't work for your business, you don't drive, your DH seems to be motivated by catastrophising rather than a search for fulfilment as a family. Plus you might be putting yourself into a vulnerable situation with coming home if things go wrong between you. It's a no from me, OP.

Hello @Notnowbarnaby so many replies, you must be reeling.
I can only offer a mear insight.
An ex held it against me how different his life would be if he had gone to Panama. Somehow, me and our children were the reason he wasn't living the life he envisaged for himself.<insert visions/delusions of wealth grandeur sophisication freedom blah blah>
In my defence, he never asked me to move there! Just digs about how I was holding him back, the dc were a burden etc "If he had never met me..."

If your DH has a history of holding grudges or slights or grievances or looking back, give him a free rein to visit NZ. Encourage him to holiday there. Make it happen. Don't be hearing for decades to come about how you stopped him from living his dream.

Best of luck. xx

We visited New Zealand with the intention of moving there a couple of years ago. It’s a beautiful country and we loved our 6 week trip, but don’t underestimate just how remote everything is outside of Wellington and Auckland (even Wellington you don’t have to drive far to be in the middle of nowhere). That’s great if you’re looking for that kind of change, but just be aware that it is NOTHING like the UK. In the UK, even in fairly remote places you’ll find a supermarket within driving distance. In NZ we stayed a fair few places that were classed as towns but in reality had one corner shop, and nothing else for miles around. I was surprised at how culturally different it was too, it’s not just the UK with different weather. Having said that, as long as you know what to expect, you could have an amazing life there, especially if you love the outdoors. As much as we loved it and would go back to visit in a heartbeat, it’s not somewhere I could realistically see myself living long term.
Your DH should probably do a bit more research.

If you don’t want to go say you don’t want to go and that you moving there isn’t going to work for you.

The TikTok algorithm will show you content that keeps you hooked. So if he is watching loads of stuff about the UK getting into a war then the algo will just keep feeding him that content.

I don’t think his concerns about us going to war are well founded. Sounds more like anxiety if you ask me.

If you aren’t sure about moving to NZ and it’s an idea you’re happy to explore then suggest you head over for a holiday for as long as you can manage. I sure as hell would never consider emigrating to a country that id never visited.

You are allowed to say ‘no, I have absolutely no wish to leave the UK and won’t discuss it any further’. If you shut it down immediately, it will be easier for your DH to move on from the idea and get help for his anxiety issues.

One last thought, if there were a war (and frankly people saying this is unlikely are deluded), where would you want to be? Personally, I don’t know that I would want to be away from family and friends. Even if we are suffering in it all altogether, missing out on mangoes in the supermarket, being rationed etc. One thing that would happen in a war is international travel would become either highly expensive or nye on impossible. It’s already expensive going to New Zealand.

Our best friends moved there about 15 years ago. They did go and scout around to see where they wanted to live. They absolutely love it and so do their kids, both now adults. It’s very expensive to come back though so they’ve only done it twice. Last visit though they did say it would probably be their last trip back as they dislike it so much here now.

From your child's point of view, it is the ideal time to move there. And for your OH, if the job offer is great, it is too. TBH- the UK is NOT in a good place at the moment, and he is right to be concerned. Perhaps not about war as such, although if it all kicks off either with Putin or in the MiddleEast, the UK will be highly involved, and it is not something I'd wish for my child's future. But mostly about the economy, etc. So many young people with ambition are looking to get out, and just can't- so he is very lucky to have the chance, especially on a great job promotion.

Were it me, and my child- I'd grab the chance with all my hands and more, and give my child the best future chances. We have moved around the world during our lives, and each experience has been so positive and enriching, in so so many ways. If you refuse, he will probably find it hard to get over it and blame you for holding both child and him back. Wish you luck.

Ah yes… at the heart of every successful emigration story, lies a spouse feeling forced into moving to the other side of the world for fear of her husband blaming her for ruining his life…

I would say No in your place. You haven't really researched this properly. He's going to have his fancy job, and you could potentially be stuck there with nothing going on for you and, as many posters have said, unable to return.

NZ is fantastic, but it's very (very very) far away - any trip to see family and friends will be a rare one!
Plus having kids on a flight is a pain in the backside, especially entertaining them for that long.

It's a lovely country, but the distance alone would be a no from me (and I'm a huge travelling fan)

Oh gosh I don’t really know what to think now. I also can’t quite believe I just typed “gosh” but here we are 🤣

if there was a war I don’t know where I’d want to be, u hadn’t thought about it to be honest. I had thought that a boots on the ground in the UK war was very unlikely? And that we would more likely be under cyber attack/have issues with supply chain etc. perhaps I am being very naive? Obviously I understand we could be a nuclear target but once that starts no where in the world would be safe or as it was surely due to fallout etc.

DH got very anxious after Covid. He was convinced it was nothing and would amount to nothing and was really blindsided when it became very much something. I think it’s triggered some kind of protective instinct in him as he’s always looking several steps ahead at every eventuality and ways he can protect the family or mitigate any issues. He’s always been a very practical person so his anxiety has almost taken on a practical edge if that makes sense?

i think a couple of posters have said that I should do it for my husband and son. I do see the point but my son is happy and settled here, he has friends, he has a social circle. He’s not going to be upset if we don’t move to NZ. He doesn’t know it’s even on the cards and it wouldn’t mean much to him if it did. I do understand the thinking about opportunity in the future and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about leaving the country myself sometimes, it’s just that NZ is so so far.

my mum is on her own now and she doesn’t fly! She has many phobias to do with travel so I would have to always come back to her.

I think a lot of my resistance comes from the fact I don’t think DH wants to move to NZ because of anything it can offer apart from the fact that he sees it as a “safe” place from all the tensions that are escalating. He talks about the outdoorsy lifestyle etc but I genuinely do believe his main focus is that he thinks it’s some kind of end of the world sanctuary.

i have lots to think about and it’s good to have lots of different views and anecdotes so thank you for posting and thanks to those who have shared useful groups and resources. My mind is a bit boggled at the moment!

There’s that old quote op ( which I can’t remember exactly!) to the effect that “ you can never run from trouble: there ain’t no place that far.”

I think there’s a lot of truth in it.

Having said that, if you have, as you say, sometimes thought of moving, it probably wouldn’t hurt to look into his proposition. Having a good job offer on the table is a huge piece in the puzzle and, while I do appreciate the geographical distance and also the “ cultural differences”, the truth is that the cultural differences between uk and nz are far less than almost any other move. They are not the same, but probably as close as you’ll find; physical distance and cultural distance aren’t proportionate to each other.

In the end he may have his reasons for a move and you may have yours: they don’t need to be the same reason provided they are both catered for. DH and I are having similar discussions as there has been a slow change to life in the UK.

The very very first thing to do is to book a holiday to NZ for a couple of weeks and to go and check it out. Neither of you can decide how you would feel about living somewhere you have never been, or even really discuss it properly.

If you're reading this suggestion thinking its too difficult, too expensive, logistically too hard, too disruptive for your son, can't be done. Then bare in mind that you'll need to do it (annually? every two years?) to see friends and family in the UK.