DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

Move to New Zealand if you want to move to New Zealand, plenty of people do, it’s beautiful and offers a nice lifestyle.

Don’t move because you are concerned about war in Western Europe. Most of the news stories are largely due to the elections and defence chiefs wanting larger budgets.

You will love New Zealand.

Research where you have the options of staying.
Don't sell your home in the UK.
Decide with DH how long you will stay before coming back to visit and plan to listen to each other about how long you work there.

Is there away for you to continue your work from NZ - even part time? This might give you choices later.

Auckland isn't the capital at all. That would be Wellington. It is, however, the largest city with a population of about 1.5 million, which is large enough for a country with 5 million people in it.

We're VERY churchy people, so a lot of people I know in NZ are too. However, growing up in small town NZ it was always weird to others that we were churchy people, so I don't recognise NZ as being particularly religious either.

In fact, 38% of NZers identify as Christian, compared with 53% in the UK, so...

You will almost certainly be aware of, if not know, my family. V early settlers in Tasman Bay.

I have relatives there. If it was Spain or Sweden I would say go for it- NZ - mmm - some big upsides but huge downsides if anything goes wrong in your relationship. It's very very pricey for everything including housing (more so than UK) and things like holidays are different- nowhere is 'close' - you won't just be able to nip back on a£180 return to see friends or family at all- so depends if that bothers you and initially it can be quite co dependent as you won't have any immediate friends- I certainly wouldn't go without a good 3 weeks out there first - a very very high package etc. you can't just move back cheaply either.

Where in NZ would you be living?

Its a very long way away from UK. I'm from NZ but not live in UK - if you are close to your extended family & friends are you prepared not to see them?

New Zealand, or any other far flung place, I do not see OP's safety net.

So, they go. OP loves it - husband decides he's made the wrong decision - what is her choice? They are there due to his work. She has to leave, too.
Vice Versa - she hates it, how does she get home, and to what, can she take her child?
She is at risk of becoming a trailing spouse.
When you lose your safety net you lose your voice.

So reading your first post where you say he wants to relocate "because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war" - and this post where you say he's wanted to visit for ages - I think you would be unreasonable to dismiss it out of hand.

My (English) brother emigrated about 18 years ago with his (Kiwi born) wife - driven largely by better quality of life in NZ, money going further for buying a property (they lived in London) and wanting a good upbringing for their toddler son.

Some 18 years on, my brother (and his wife) both remain very happy with his decision and my brother is terribly proud he now has NZ citizenship (and sent me the video clip of the ceremony).

There was some culture shock for him at the beginning - namely, the lack of multiculturalism (and lack of diverse ethnic food stuffs - he's a bit of a foodie) and 'newness of New Zealand. But then he was initially comparing Auckland with London.

The principle disadvantage for him after 15 years or so was not being able to spend time with our ageing mother with her at end life because of imited flights and their expense from NZ to UK during pandemic. (That said, other than myself, my other sub,Ines and mother's friends were not permitted to visit my mother due to Covid restrictions - so his returning to UK wouldn't have made a difference).

So I would say don’t dismiss it out of hand! Discuss further, explore your concerns and his motivations, the practicalities and whether a compromise is possible - eg a three year trial period and a plan to return. Plus pre booking a certain number of return visits.

Whilst don't agree Europe is under threat by those pesky Ruskies, I do think that more generally NZ is safer than the UK.

EDITED to say sorry for typos - but you should get the drift

@2021x It sounds a bit like Sweden but without the advantages of being 2 hours away on SAS to see friends and family- and oh Swedish housing and heating is amazing.

This is just bizarre. Where do you live? Every time I’ve been there was central heating.

Hardly any houses in NZ have central heating.

I've lived in:

Wellington
Christchurch
Nelson
Blenheim
Motueka

None of the houses I've lived in have had central heating.

I only ever knew one person in NZ who had central heating - and I knew a lot of people over the years. When we moved to Australia, it was more the norm.

Only one person I know living in NZ has central heating. She just moved into a new build. But it still isn't as good as the central heating systems in the UK.

I haven't spent a lot of time in the UK but every home I stayed in there was toasty warm (with wall panel heating). Actually too warm for me in general.

I don’t care how great a country NZ is. Id never move ANYWHERE where I might risk losing my kids. Especially when I had no right to work or stay after the child is 16.

No one wants to think that their marriage will break up, but it happens to about one third to one half of us. So then @Notnowbarnaby would be stuck there - no money because she can’t work and prevented from moving back to the UK were she can.

How will she afford to fly back to the Uk for visits when she’s unemployed.

Then when her child is 16 , she has to leave the country and leave her child. Who will no doubt he happy in high school and then college / university / job.

Id not do that for the best paid job in the world - my kids are worth more to me that money.

And especially with a husband is who both selfish and impulsive - the kind who are very likely to have an affair / leave a marriage on a whim.

I've just seen that you don't drive, OP. Unless you're in one of the cities or busier towns such as Blenheim or Hamilton or Tauranga or Napier or Nelson, you're going to find things difficult. Those areas have halfway decent bus services, but outside those New Zealand is very car dependent. The good news is that outside Auckland there's not a massive amount of traffic a lot of the time (and you can drive 20-30miles in a lot of out of the way areas and never see another vehicle) so it's a good place to learn to drive.

A family friend emigrated to NZ with her husband and two children and it went horribly wrong when her husband left. She has never made it back to the UK 20 years on.

My concern for you would be that you could move out there, but when you come to have that long-awaited visit home, your husband won’t want to go and then you’ll be stuck.

I think your husband’s concerns need addressing as it doesn’t sound rational. Why is your husband so afraid of war? Is he scared he’ll be forced to enlist or is he scared of the impact on you? Is he scared of the lifestyle changes war would impose? Is he proposing to move his parents and wider family there if he’s that scared?

If war comes, and it’s a very big IF, what makes him think NZ will be exempt? NZ is part of the Five Eyes alliance and regionally there is the AUKUS alliance, which is intended to strengthen a Western presence in the Pacific in the face of an increasingly assertive China.

What would happen if his mental health deteriorated in NZ? I’d have concerns about a fear this great prompting a relocation but leading to performance anxiety at work. It willhave an effect on work performance. If he’s let go, then that could have implications for your continuing residency and again you’re back to the push-pull between NZ and the UK and if he’s so afraid, he won’t let the children go back . . .

The mental health needs addressing and running away to NZ won’t fix the problem.

Yeah, when it comes to central heating, it's not a thing. Along with having lived in an awful lot of places, I've also looked at a lot of places, while looking to buy!

Only one house had central heating, and that was put in when built by a British immigrant family.

Insulation has been retrofitted to many older builds, with varying degrees of success. Newer builds likely to have far better insulation. It's possibly because I was born there and used to it, but I never missed it. Central living areas were kept warm - by fires, log burners, and later heat pumps.

Central living areas but gosh, the nights can be cold and it can be hard to heat the other end of the house. Negative temperature nights and so cold. Maybe we should all have moved into the living areas!

No gaps in the fruits and vegetable section at the local supermarket, which part of UK are you talking about? They are fully stocked by the way!

I think this is true that many of the comments seem to be from people who maybe haven’t visited much, and also the point about a decent income is on point I think.

I do get the feeling some people go expecting to be able to live like a king on an income that wouldn’t achieve that for them anywhere, and then blame the country for that.

I have friends there ( all highly educated women I met mostly through university conferences and the like so not sure about only the men going up university there; I’m sure a quick check of gender statistics in nz universities would dispel that concern). They all have enviable lifestyles ( and warm homes with plenty of heating, “House and Green “ worthy kitchens, large gardens and two have infinity pools so also not sure where the 1970s kitchens with no heating come from). Of course some people there don’t live like that, but you can’t blame the country if you are needing to access the cheaper housing stock. However the point of a friend who moved there to a high-paying job was that they feel it is easier to access this lifestyle there, as there is less pressure on space ( very little terraced housing for example; vast majority of homes have proper garden space). I was surprised how spacious most homes were, especially outdoor space even fairly centrally in cities which is a major consideration with dcs.

Other quality of living aspects relate to the lack of pollution ( esp vis a vis our sewage issues) and the medical treatment is funded by having much lower cost private care so far greater percentage go private which props the system up and results in less pressure on the free healthcare sectors.

Another aspect that is cheaper is private education so more people find it accessible. I think some comments about the education system on here are simply wrong. Nz has also been considered one of the oecd high achievers, and the latest figures I saw ( 2023?) put nz 3rd in the world behind Iceland and Germany ( uk 8th place). When you add to that the accessibility of private schooling, it starts to look very attractive.

But I guess what all of this is saying is perhaps if you have a certain level of affluence the money goes further lifestyle-wise. Quality housing stock, private healthcare and private education are more accessible, but I guess you nonetheless need a certain income level to access them.

I kind of think this thread is sliding off topic (what? on MN? That NEVER happens 🤔) My response would be pretty much the same whatever the country "I have had a job offer and I am worried about a coming war" are not good enough reasons to uproot a family.

I’ve never been to NZ so can’t offer any information on that…

But I’d never move anywhere where there was a chance I might want to move home but would be prevented from doing so because I couldn’t take my kids with me.

I also can’t for the life of me understand anyone who would want to be alive in a remote part of a planet decimated by nuclear war (if it came to that). Absolutely horrific.

Though perhaps the “ off-topic” responses are designed to assist op in deciding if she does or does not have further reasons to influence a move. Research starts somewhere.