DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

The job offers to NZ are always amazing as they are desperate to get good people. So you should wonder why a country needs to put in such good offers in the first place. There is no way in hell I'd move that far. We moved abroad to the continent a very long time ago, it was horrendous the first year, takes a lot of work to make it and we are very happy on that decision. I refused to go to the US which was also on offer. It was too far, and if you lose your job you lose everything. Then there is the whole if you divorce mess if you have children and one wants to return to the UK. You are in an even more precarious position as you are financially dependent on your husband. Even worse is that he wants to move due to a potential war. That's bonkers reasoning even if it were true that a war might happen. He might be hit by a bus tomorrow, so maybe he shouldn't leave the house.

With reference to healthcare:

GP visits are not free, except for under 6 at this point, is it? However it may be subsidised depending on income level etc.

Hospital care is free, unless you are going privately.

Apart from the last six years, and another three at the turn of this century, I have lived in Aotearoa all my life. I have lived in Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch, Nelson, Motueka, Dannevirke and Murchison - which is to say in our biggest cities and some very small towns/villages. I have NEVER (and this is from the early 1970's) lived in somewhere where the church was very important, and social life revolved around the children.

I can think of some parts of society where that may be true. However, Gloriavale and the Closed Brethren are not reflective of mainstream society.

Equally, I cannot say, as a veteran of the NZ university system, that males are encouraged into university and high paying tech jobs, and females into teaching and nursing - certainly no more than here. I have one hell of a lot of female friends who are in high paying tech jobs, as well as lawyers, accountants and doctors . . .

Sorry, that is just bloody bizarre.

It was a bit of light relief and very amusing!

Making your own furniture etc does mean that to a northern hemisphere eye there can be a lack of variety and style, and why some NZ homes seem a bit basic. You can forget going to John Lewis and having a huge choice. But obviously more sustainable.

Has anyone mentioned the lack of central heating in most homes, even expensive ones? That can come as a bit of a shock when it's 4C in November in Auckland and, anticipating summer, you didn't pack a thermal vest and woolly hat.

Absolutely. I'm in NZ. I mentioned the heating issue upthread. It's one of the reasons I'm moving back to Europe in the next 1-2 years. I'm so sick of paying $300 (150 GBP) per month in the winter months for heating and STILL feel cold all the time. It really does make life miserable in the winter and for those of us who feel the cold, it affects quality of life.

I never felt like that in my centrally heated home in the UK.

@ThePoetsWife
GP visits and prescription costs are subsided by the govt. The cost to see a GP is dependent on earnings. Those with a Community Services Card pay a lower fee to see their GP. Those who need a lot of medications pay the first $100 per year towards their medication costs and after that their meds. are fully subsidised by the Govt.

GP visits are free for those under 16yrs.
Hospital treatment and care is free for NZ residents and citizens. ACC (govt. funded) covers those who have been injured by an accident or medical misadventure. This includes specialist assessment, treatment, rehabilitation costs, equipment and modifications. Also includes paying 80% of the claimants income while they are recovering from the injury.

You're not wrong to not want to go, but I'd urge you to not be hasty with any decision.

Remember that nothing has to be forever. It's an amazing opportunity, and needs to be considered carefully.

Could you set a 3 year 'trial', with the agreement that if either of you want to come home after 3 years then you all will? Or that you'll go for a set amount of time e.g. 5 years.

Your son will still be primary age and the transition would be much easier. If you go and have any thoughts of coming home eventually then I'd do it before secondary age.

Should you move to an unvisted country on the other side of the world, with uncertain employment options and a precarious visa status, and risk permanent separation from.your child if your relationship breaks down, based on the whim of a man who does not appear to be thinking rationally?

Um, no.

I don't know why somebody said they had to wait six weeks for a doctor's appointment. I can see my GP the same day or if not the same day within a day or two. GPs actually see patients - you know the old fashioned way where you go along, you describe your symptoms and you hopefully get the right diagnosis and treatment. I live in Wellington so it might be different if they are rural. My son is actually training to be a rural GP.

its not the where he wants to go, its the why! I seriously thinks he needs some mental health help.

They do have a RD postal address. They're an hour drive from the nearest medical centre a bit outside Auckland. It takes them six weeks to get an appointment, so they tell me. I have asked them if they could look at another practice or suggested that surely there must be some way they could get a GP appointment if they really needed one. They said they'd have to go wait 12 hours in A and E. It could be they are being inflexible.

Im in NZ. We not a bad bunch. We don't live in grass huts nor do we live in Frodo's place. We speak English (also Maori and sign language),. We do have running water, flushing loos, and pretty ok schooling system and cities (tho not as great public transport as UK admittedly). We aren't all country bumpkins nor do we have an aussie twang. (we like to think of ourselves as more refined then our Ocker (australian) neighbours lol.). I work in the health system at a local hospital. If you enrol with a medical Dr when you arrive you should be fine. My sister lives in Hertfordshire. She has made lots of trips home but yes it can be expensive and is 24hrs direct flight time away from home. Hope this helps.

wrong. You might want to, I don’t know… fact check, random internet punter.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8885817/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epidemiology_of_domestic_violence

As I understand it Hague Convention has to do with where you are "habitually resident" so if you are on a time limited visa, it might not apply to you and you wouldn't be stuck. If you were permanent residents then it would.

I wouldn't go because you don't seem keen on it and your husband's reasoning is dodgy. This is the sort of move you have to really want to do.

SIL and BIL spent a few years in NZ before moving to Australia. If you love the outdoors and the countryside it's brilliant. If you are a city person, well... No. Newer builds do have better insulation and heating but older homes are known to have draught issues (also see the 'leaky homes' crisis). I do think it's lovely for children, the school system is more relaxed, which a lot of MNers look down on but is nicer I think. You didn't say where he's being recruited for and a decent number of jobs that recruit overseas are in smaller cities or towns, which have their own set of pros and cons.

I don't want to sound negative as the scenery is spectacular and if you are really into the things NZ has to offer you would love it. I am not. It was interesting to visit, but that was enough for me.

I loved NZ when we visited it, but I wouldn't particularly want to live there.

If the job is in central Auckland then commuting is horrendous. My flight arrived in at 5.30am on a weekday morning and my aunt said it was a good job it wasn't any later as commuters already heading into work as only one way in on the bridge.

My cousin and her DH have a comparable lifestyle to ourselves in UK but live in a much smaller house because of house prices near Auckland.

I think the trouble with your DHs plans is that wherever he goes, there he is. He is looking at this as a way out ( war - what war in the UK ?) rather than as a viable way forward. I would be very reluctant to move from a solid network of family and friends, particularly if your DS may have additional needs.

I can think of some parts of society where that may be true. However, Gloriavale and the Closed Brethren are not reflective of mainstream society.

Perhaps, having lived all your life in NZ, you have no idea how religious your society might seem to an outsider? I have family in Nelson, Mapua and Motueka. They settled in Tasman Bay very early on. Vast family network, much of it connected through the church. CofE types, nothing radical, do a lot of good things for the homelessness and hard-up and those with mental health issues. Forever running lunches and bake sales and scout-type groups.

Last time I was there I met two sets of their neighbours, both blown in from the UK and wanting to discuss UK politics. They both commented on how so much seemed to revolve around the church. But hey, that's just my experience and clearly doesn't count.

I think your DH needs to read On the Beach by Nevil Shute if he thinks living in New Zealand would protect him from war.

It’s enormously different to the UK. It also depends where in NZ you’d be based. I wouldn’t want to have to navigate across Auckland much, it’s huge now and can take an hour in bad traffic.

food is very expensive too. Having said that I’ve been four times as my cousin lives there and it’s fabulous for holidays but auntie has never been out of NZ since she got there in 1973.

my cousin drives two hours to go food shopping near Auckland at a big store every Saturday. (She’s up north). I had the opportunity to emigrate in 1987 but declined as I found it too quiet for my twenty year old self, I think they’ve caught up a lot now but I’d really do my research if I were you and definitely go for a holiday first.

I've got family all over the South Island, we were first ships so it's quite a large assortment of family now. I can think of one family of a similar age to me who went to church regularly. DH and I between us have lived all over NZ and I don't recognise the country you describe, Abeona.

I was suprised how small it was. It’s not like a capital like London or Sydney with never ending things to do.

Exactly Natty Turtle! Some of this stuff I’m reading is absolute nonsense.
Come for a holiday….yes it’s different, we’re NOT the UK so of course there will be differences. Life in NZ is like the ‘50’s….. utter tosh!!!
You don’t come here for a duplication of Britain, if you do you are certainly going to be unhappy.

And if the unavailability of strawberries and raspberries over winter and early spring for your pav is problematic, then staying in the UK will probably suit you better. I say that not to be snide, but to say don’t expect a carbon copy of your life in Britain. Come and see what it’s like. Perfect no, nowhere is, but for our family it’s wonderful. I wish you well as you decide.

One branch of my family have a big old heritage home in Auckland. Stunning old wood, stained glass windows, single glazing, large rooms — and absolutely freezing. They don't use parts of it most of the year because the south-facing rooms are impossibly cold. I arrived in late November (think May or June here) and it was 4C in the evenings and got up to 12C during the day. Not cold enough to put their log-burning furnace on. Brrrr. I suspect this is why so many Kiwis are such active types. They keep moving to keep warm.

Given that I've pointed out that I've NOT lived in NZ 'all my life', although the majority, and it is 'my' experience both living there and not, rather than my family's and my family's neighbours, plus my visits there, I think I've got a fairly good handle on it.

Interestingly enough, my family is Nelson, Motueka, Mapua, and Marahau based, has been for 60 plus years, although my family traces it's roots in that area back to 1840.

My mother is heavily involved in the community, always has been, although not via the church, both my parents were. As with here, CofE, etc has ever diminishingly relevance and participation.

Thinking about it, there are some sections of the community that seem to naturally gravitate to a church as the focus of their community. The ones I'm thinking of, are the immigrants from South Africa, Korea etc. . .

My lot probably came over with you. I've mentioned where that branch are based so I won't mention their name — too well-known in the Tasman Bay area and easily ID'd.