DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

I adore NZ and would jump at the chance (unfortunately it's not an option) BUT for anyone it would be an insane move to make when you're not familiar with the place and only have tenuous plans.

I also know that it's not for.everyone and friends who moved there when newly married found it too much once they had children being so far from.family.

I never said none of the men are sexist, but do get some perspective.

I am appalled at the posts from some posters on MN who live with truly awful men, so it's not exactly a bed of roses there either, is it?

I think that OP needs to put a lot of thought into this rather than just blindly follow her DP's fantasy.

However, there are a huge amount of people living in NZ who are from all corners of the world, and they seem to cope with being so far from family and friends. I even know two women who came here with partners, split from those partners, and stayed on. Not everyone who moves to another part of the world is heavily reliant on those left behind - and the same goes for people from this part of the world who move to the UK etc.

Many people living in the UK seem to be very insular and not able to cope without family on their back doorstep.

Plenty cope but I know some who, in the longer term, regret having given up family, regret that their adventure was at the cost of their children knowing extended family, and are now aging on their own with no family around them because their own children decided not to continue in the country migrated to. Someone I know who has lived in NZ for 50 years now said, it seemed like a good idea at the time but it cost her and her children too much.

The problem I see is that with that level of irrational anxiety if you moved and settled it wouldn't just disappear He would more than likely become anxious about something else.

True. The earthquake risk here in NZ gives me bigger anxiety than anything to do with nuclear war! We had a little quake here a couple of days ago. There was a booming noise before it hit and I was so scared, and then thankful that it was only a small one. I thought it would be big based on the noise.

He has a job offer so it's not on a complete whim.

OP I think there's nothing wrong in thinking about the future including taking geopolitics and climate change into consideration. People all over the world have to do this all the time; only somewhere like MN would dismiss it out of hand as "crackpot".

However I do thing migrating is a huge job and I can't imagine doing it without 100% commitment from all parties.

My brother is spending a couple of years living and working in New Zealand and he is loving it, but he is very sporty and is child free and single.

I think life is full of opportunities and it can be amazing to take your life in another, unexpected direction. But you have to feel great, optimistic and confident in that decision too, not just your DH.

I would try and look at expat experiences and blogs online. Follow subreddits like the New Zealand one and try and get more of a feel from people living there.

There is just so much to consider once you also have a child onboard. Good luck whatever happens!

There's a hot war in Europe with Putin threatening to go further, NATO calling for rearmament to be able to deter or fight Russia within the next few years. The Middle East; China and SCS/Taiwan. Arms control agreements ripped up. A new arms race and nuclear sable rattling. Talk of a "pre-war" period. The most dangerous geopolitical environment since the 60s. And you think it's irrational?

Sabre not sable, sorry

@anyolddinosaur
agree that NZ DV stats are incredibly disturbing.

However, unless I’m missing something (which is possible) I’m not certain how this article supports your argument that:
trans rights activists are keen to remove any protections for women and that has revealed how deeply sexist NZ is.

Not being able to return to the UK with my children if I split up with my DH would be my TOP concern.

I have family and friends in NZ and have visited several times and seen the country from the top bit of the north to the bottom bit of the south. It's beautiful and large parts of it are very sparsely populated, so your experience will be dependent on where your DH's job is. In Auckland or Wellington you'll get more of a large town/ small city vibe (nothing like the intensity of London or any major European city) In other parts of the country you could find yourself in a very parochial community where the church is still really important and where your social life will revolve around the children.

It will suit you and your family down to the ground if you are all really outdoorsy, active, sporty people who love nothing more than a weekend cycling, kayaking, sailing or trekking, interspersed with gardening and DIY and taking your kids to rugby training and swimming. If you prefer cultural things — galleries, music, visiting historic houses, grabbing a long weekend in Paris or Rome or Copenhagen — then you'll find it tougher. If you enjoy going to the theatre or musicals or having a night out clubbing then you'll find what's on offer limited. There's some good-amateur level stuff going on but you can forget the West End.

Things like clothes, camping equipment and even books seem expensive. Small population, not as much competition on prices as here. You'll contribute to the cost of healthcare, obviously, which can add up.

My personal take is that there is a lot of ingrained sexism (and obviously it's one of the wokest nations on the planet, and I regard a lot of woke ideology as misogynistic). There's a superficial level of promoting equality but fundamentally this is still a pioneering society and I notice in my extended Kiwi family the boys are all brought up to go to university and into high-paying technical and scientific careers, while the girls are encouraged to go into nursing or teaching.

If you can afford to do it (relocating is very expensive) you might want to go over there for, say three years while the children are young and enjoy an outdoors life with them before working out where you want to settle for the rest of their lives in primary and secondary education. Before you do that, though, find out what your situation would be if you were very unhappy and wanted to go home with the kids, but your DH was intent on staying and fought you for custody. I am aware of a couple of women within my family's extended social circles who came from Europe and the US with their British husbands and appear to be trapped.

Far more seem to cope than don't. Anyone who can't possibly live more than a few miles from their family shouldn't emigrate, simple as that. The more adventurous seem to flourish. Family, while of course very important, are not the only source of support and friendship. I have no close family anywhere - should I just curl up and die now?

Woke ideology, which includes transactivism, is profoundly misogynistic. Transgender activists say that sex doesn't matter, gender feelings are what counts: that a man who says he's a woman is a woman: that a man who says he's a woman should be able to access women's single-sex spaces and go into women's prisons if he commits a crime. It leads to men in women's sport, men in women's hospital wards. It's basically Male Rights Activism: revenge on women for a century of feminism and winning basic human rights.

Of course you shouldn't curl up and die. If that's the criteria for curling up and dying, then I should too.

I don't have any close family near me because my parents took us to the other side of the world. I admit I resent it a bit. I look at all my friends (except one in the same position) and wish I'd had the chance to have the unique kind of relationships that family brings. I wish I'd known my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. It goes beyond that because my children weren't able to know all those people because I don't have them.

Even my mother said she wouldn't do it again. People would say she coped but there were definitely times where she wasn't coping so well. Outsiders would have never seen it.

I'm not saying don't do it but it's good to consider a range of experiences and I think the views of those who did it are worth mentioning.

I have family members and acquaintances who emigrated to NZ.

It is a stunning country.

But.

Be prepared for not seeing your family after the first couple of years - they will visit once and then not go back again due to the 30 hours plus journey, money and not be able to take lots of time off.

You will not return to the UK as often as you'd like to - it takes up a lot of annual leave as well as money and the journey is not child friendly. I flew with two young children and it was horrendous although they were very well behaved.

Cost of living is very high - it's an island so almost everything eg furniture, furnishings, cars, appliances as well as food and clothes is imported.

No free health care.

@Abeona - all I can say is that you have some unusual family and friends!!! I don't know a single person who has directed their daughters to nursing or teaching and their sons to university.

In other parts of the country you could find yourself in a very parochial community where the church is still really important

Where I live some of the churches, which had dramatically falling congregations, have experienced a big upturn - all from migrants moving here!

Oh and the family members couldn't get to see their dying parents and missed their funerals

You can go from Manchester - Qatar - Auckland nowadays.

Cost of living is very high - it's an island so almost everything eg furniture, furnishings, cars, appliances as well as food and clothes is imported.

Yes, you are right, we can't possibly make anything in NZ! Yes, a lot of stuff is made in China, as are the goods for sale in many parts of the world. I have ordered quite a lot of clothes from the UK - none of them has a label saying "made in the UK". Food?? food?? - you have got to be joking. The area where I live provides a huge amount of vegetable seeds, exporting them to over 60 countries. I have a friend in England who tells me of all the gaps in the fruit and vege shelves in the supermarkets - never seen it here. Have you never seen produce/meat from NZ for sale in the UK?

Is the UK also not an island btw?

I've lived in both places and the UK really is much cheaper. Although it's true it is not a manufacturing nation anymore.

Moving to NZ may be a good idea but you need a stable and rational reason for doing so.
Fleeing to the other side of the world because of DH's TikTok and conspiracy theorist-fuelled anxieties is absolutely bonkers, and it will not be a panacea because the real problem is in his head and he will quickly find something else to be fearful and paranoid about. (NZ isn't some Enid Blyton paradise, and it has its cranks and fearmongers too.)
I wouldn't go. DH needs to stay off social media and touch grass, so to speak.

I live in NZ and have done for the last 8 years.

The cost of living is high, I find it very hard to save here. NZ produces its own food, makes its own furniture and not everything is imported. The reason food is so expensive is because there is a duo-poly of Supermarkets who control the prices. Go to the local markets and it’s a lot cheaper.

Emergency healthcare for British Citizens is at no cost because of a reciprocal arrangement. GP is free for kids under 16, and subsidised up to 25. I have health insurance and 60% of costs are paid so the GP visit is $19 (£10). Some medication isn’t funded though so check on that.

The housing is pretty appalling and the transport links are non-existent compared to the UK/Europe so everyone drives.

The general vibe is a little more cohesive I.e we did really well in COVID BUT kiwis tend to keep to themselves so it is hard to find social interaction.

Well OP, there you go. Natty Turtle of the New Zealand Emigration Service knows best. If you're a religious woman qualified for a career in STEM you'll fit right in.

Me, I'm only dealing with an influx of young New Zealanders all wanting to live here in the UK or in Europe or the US for a few years (and maybe permanently) because they regard life here as more interesting and offering more opportunities. Not sure there are quite so many Brits motivated by the prospect of a life of bake sales, rugby and church, but obviously I know nowt.

This. Honestly, Auckland is very small and dull, and you can get similar countryside in Scotland without all the downsides of expense and distance.