Work, childcare, summer holidays. Disappointed with need to be “fair”

[CalmDownWithChocolate]

I work mostly from home for a public sector employer who promotes flexibility. When I interviewed I was told I’d need to attend the office every 6 weeks. Part of the reason I changed jobs was because most of my sector can work from home now and I recognised this enables me to work more hours and makes life more manageable around my two children, nearly 3 and 5. One nursery one, school. DH works away.

Not long after I started the message re office attendance changed and we were encouraged to come in more often. I’ve shown willing and done that, I go in 3-4x a month. Other staff have resisted and still only attend once every 6 weeks. I am also PT (3 days) and other staff resisting are FT.

Over the summer holidays all the clubs have reduced hours vs wraparound care. Over half term this meant I was slightly short on my hours and the day I went to the office I could only work 5.5 hours (meant to do 7.5). It felt quite chaotic and I was chasing my tail all week. I have hours to make up this week and I’m limited in my ability to do it.

I thought for summer, given I go in more than others and what was discussed when I accepted the role, I’d let my boss know it’s not practical to come in so often and asked if I could join by teams for the less formal meetings if it meant I’d be struggling to get my hours in that week. Some team members live far away and never attend the office so it’s not like it would only be me.

Her response was it “must be fair to the rest of the team” she doesn’t have kids and told me it was the same for her, her commute takes time off her day. I tried to explain that term time I can fit it all in but I couldn’t make the hours up and I didn’t want to end the holidays in a deficit.

Other members of the team dodge these in person meetings for all sorts of reasons and I am one who has consistently gone in to show willing. So now I’m asking really, only to revert to what was agreed and am told that’s not fair.

I wish I’d not bothered asking and just blagged it. But I’m not that sort of person and like to be upfront.

Don't make it about kids then. Others don't go in, and it should be fair.

If your contract says once every 6 weeks, just say "Per my contract, I am reducing my in-office days to once during the school holidays and then I will resume what I have been doing in September." Nothing to do with what others are doing.

Unfortunately blagging it is the way to go and always will be. No rewards for honesty.

You're still doing your hours and performing well, stick to that and don't sweat it.

Others are only going in once every 6 weeks, I'd drop back to that and plan it to roughly span the school holidays. It may mean not going in for 7 weeks but it doesn't seem like your manager to pushing it with anyone else. Maybe you could manage 1 day in the holidays, but I wouldn't put yourself out to do it.
The company may eventually push for all staff to be back more often, then clarify with HR what that means for you as you're part time, technically it could be going in every 12 weeks. Don't bring it up again until after the hols!

Sounds stressful

Your DH gets a good deal from it though....

Do what your contract says.

However, i don't believe there are no childcare options (even more expensive) available for primary aged kids to cover a full working day - its on you as parents to get childcare to cover your working hours.

If the issue is commute time, is your children's father doing his share? It is extremely difficult to do 9-5.30 with a commute on top without sharing responsibilities with the partner, eg one going in early/other leaves late, or rotating the days you work from home.

Your other option is to ask to go part time & reduce the hours you need cover for.

I am assuming like many people, your contract doesn't actually give you the right to wfh so extensively forever and the company envisaged it as temporary/transitional post covid.

This exactly. You shouldn't even need to mention you kids or personal life. Your boss doesn't care why you need to WFH (as you experienced). Is there another reason that you don't know about, why other members of your team WFH and don't have to come in. It seems pretty odd to me that she would not allow you to work from home if you have been consistently pulling your weight. Tbh she sounds like an inexperienced manager, one who doesn't understand that they can get the best out of their employees when they are reasonable about meeting their needs (a stressed out mum in the office worrying about her kids will be less productive than one WFH. My advice is try to separate work and personal life and ask why others are not coming into the office. Tell her it doesn't seem fair that you are making the effort to come in despite this not being agreed when you took the job whilst others are not pulling their weight. Are you new to this job? That might explain why you need come in. Some companies see that you earn rights to WFH is you are a long term employee. This is a convention that is understood by everyone though not necessarily said out loud.

Why are you going after the DH?

Sorry just to add i see your DH works away.

In your shoes I'd probably go and explain if expected to go in more, you need to ask to go part time. You may find they don't want this & will give you the flexibility you need.

My contract is hybrid and it was something I made clear when I joined that I wanted to WFH, hence the reassurances given. I can get childcare 8-4 but I have to do two drops (one school, one nursery) and also collect. With a 1.5 hour round trip. It’s not possible.

I work PT anyway.

Why are you going after the DH

Because these kids have two parents and he's apparently totally off the hook for doing his share of the childcare runs, yet OP is working full time too?! A lot of employers would not like this - its like when one parent covers all the sick days because the other thinks their Big Job is special.

Thanks - this is why I carefully chose a PT, flexible role. DH is very supportive and doesn’t mind if I don’t work at all. My specialism is in demand and I could get a new role overnight - I could do contract work too.

So he should quit his job? Seriously? Assuming he can’t teleport that’s his only option.

I'd aim for 2 times during the summer, and ask DH to cover the extra hours. If you do one after a week or so then don't come in for a while, I doubt you'll be missed.

My contract is hybrid and it was something I made clear when I joined that I wanted to WFH, hence the reassurances given

Were they given in writing? If so you can point to them.

But to be honest if you need a wfh job, you needed to insist on a wfh contract

If they wouldnt give you, it would have been clear its because over time they'd start wanting you in.

My job is hybrid too. It specifies 3/week. I needed 2 - so got email confirmation i could do 2. However, long term I know that the fact that they would not change the contractual requirement for 3 means at some point its likely i'll need to put plans in place for the 3.

I think she doesn’t push it with the others as they are so outwardly resistant she knows it’s a deal breaker and she can’t afford to lose them. We have a better relationship and I have tried to be accommodating.

I'm confused. Can't you just go in to the office two or three times in the holiday and then make up any missing hours once the kids are in bed?

They can’t get us all in the office as they’ve downsized so we’ll never go back to mandatory office attendance. My stance would be to leave and I’ve said that.

Can your DH not take one day off during the summer holidays and that should solve the issue? Or are the days you have to go in midweek? Is he taking any time off during the school holidays that you could work around?

So he should quit his job? Seriously? Assuming he can’t teleport that’s his only option.

When they planned a family they needed to consider this. This might have included him looking for something more aligned with family responsibilities, yes. Or it might have included them agreeing OP would only work very part time due to her having to do so much of the childcare.

As an employer my biggest bugbear is staff who expect me to accommodate their husband or wife's employer not being as flexible as me and putting up with staff who never do their hours because they are doing every single nursery run and every single sick day

i do this when I can, but I don’t like to make a habit of it because my youngest is in that stage where he is dropping a nap and not going down until 9-9.30 and frankly I’m not working into the night for them. I also have the jobs all mothers do. Seems stupid to work r into the ground for the sake of a 20 min informal meeting. If that were the only choice I’d quite and stay at home or pick up some contracting work.

FWIW the fact I am not a contractor at my place saves them a lot of money so it’s really not in their interest to get rid of me and have a contractor who would probably insist on home working (like the other contractors in the team do).

I do work PT, I took significant pay cut from private sector to get a job that allowed me to be not only PT, but wfh and flexibly.

Its accepted that whilst they don’t pay so well they offer these other benefits.

This is why she is part time… so they have planned it. So why does he need to quit his job working away which pays for their life, to suit OPs job needing her to go into the office 2 or 3 times a month. Have some sense.

You say that your contract says 'hybrid' but does it specify what ratio? Employers often future proof contracts by including a flexibility clause, which covers them if business demands/ leadership expectations change.

What you have said, and done, sounds very reasonable of you. And it does indeed seem very unfair that you are being penalised for being both up front and conscientious. However, if your contract is vague, or contains a flexibility cause, then you can only rely on your line manager's good will towards you.

There’s a set day! I have a day in the week I can go in, because my parents have the kids. But the meetings don’t fall on that day - ironically because it’s not convenient for my manager.