Work, childcare, summer holidays. Disappointed with need to be “fair”

[CalmDownWithChocolate]

I work mostly from home for a public sector employer who promotes flexibility. When I interviewed I was told I’d need to attend the office every 6 weeks. Part of the reason I changed jobs was because most of my sector can work from home now and I recognised this enables me to work more hours and makes life more manageable around my two children, nearly 3 and 5. One nursery one, school. DH works away.

Not long after I started the message re office attendance changed and we were encouraged to come in more often. I’ve shown willing and done that, I go in 3-4x a month. Other staff have resisted and still only attend once every 6 weeks. I am also PT (3 days) and other staff resisting are FT.

Over the summer holidays all the clubs have reduced hours vs wraparound care. Over half term this meant I was slightly short on my hours and the day I went to the office I could only work 5.5 hours (meant to do 7.5). It felt quite chaotic and I was chasing my tail all week. I have hours to make up this week and I’m limited in my ability to do it.

I thought for summer, given I go in more than others and what was discussed when I accepted the role, I’d let my boss know it’s not practical to come in so often and asked if I could join by teams for the less formal meetings if it meant I’d be struggling to get my hours in that week. Some team members live far away and never attend the office so it’s not like it would only be me.

Her response was it “must be fair to the rest of the team” she doesn’t have kids and told me it was the same for her, her commute takes time off her day. I tried to explain that term time I can fit it all in but I couldn’t make the hours up and I didn’t want to end the holidays in a deficit.

Other members of the team dodge these in person meetings for all sorts of reasons and I am one who has consistently gone in to show willing. So now I’m asking really, only to revert to what was agreed and am told that’s not fair.

I wish I’d not bothered asking and just blagged it. But I’m not that sort of person and like to be upfront.

Was it ever thus. I read something ages ago suggesting that men get flexibility by stealth women are more upfront and then are penalised for it....

Thanks. There’s no ratio. Everyone else in this sector is WFH and as an organisation we have given up office space so it’s not feesible we’ll be asked to go back FT. As the rest of the sector accommodates home working, those of us that prefer it would just move on. Recruitment is hard and we have contractors filling several roles so it would be silly to enforce something that would inevitably lead to staff loss.

But... it would literally be working on just two or three nights for the whole holiday? It's not like its every night.

I think there's a lot of truth in that. Women often try to appease all parties, because their employment position, and earning potential, is more insecure. So they end up being pulled in a million different directions and suffering from burnout.

Just do what your contract says.
Then if they pull you up on it, on the basis of being 'fair' ask what they're doing about the people who don't attend the rest of the year.

Yes, I’d go in less over the holidays. You’re still doing the work, but from home, and go in more proportionally than other colleagues. Could you maybe just go and do it, rather than ask permission?

If there's one thing I have learnt over the years it's that it's not worth being honest with managers about stuff like this.

No advice for now, but next time blag it.

Whether your manager has children is irrelevant.

I've been a manager in this situation and I recognise the line about being fair across the board. It means attendance is a contractual obligation - they won't consider home circumstances or how nice you are, good your work is etc. Everyone is supposed to fulfil their contract (the exceptions are get them to agree a WFH contract or get a reasonable adjustment).

What appears to be muddying the waters here is that manager is not actually holding anyone to the requirement - unless of course they have an adjustment.

If she really isn't taking action on this, you have same option to ignore the rules too.

As far as work goes - 'fair' means applying the rules the same to everyone and not discriminating on protected characteristics. Not looking at you or situation in the round I'm afraid. I know it drives everyone potty!

The thing that's probably annoyed her is you've made it about the kids. Well in those hours you should be working not being distracted by your kids being there.

And then "frankly I’m not working into the night for them"

I dont think you can have it all ways. You either need to work when you're supposed to work which you are struggling to do, or work when you can which you're refusing to do. You're limiting your flexibility because of the kids and because of your refusal to work in your own time to make it up.

Have you tried a flexible working request? I have one which has massively reduced my office attendance requirement and one of my contributory factors is a DH who works away I have the childcare I can get in place, but having worked and been a parent for a long time now it's been much more challenging since Covid.

I would force it onto a more formal footing by submitting a flexible working request then. Nothing else is going to move an intransigent line manager, however reasonable you are about it. What's the policy on flexible working requests? It's good practice to have an independent panel to oversee the process and ensure everyone has fair and equal treatment.

100% this. If your contract says 6 weeks and others are only coming in every 6 weeks then your manager is BU! I feel cross on your behalf. Don't be a pushover OP. Just tell her what you're doing as per this pp

I wish I’d taken that approach in the first place, yes. I was trying to be upfront.

Plan some annual leave for some of the days you are meant to be in the office. Or use annual leave to offset the deficit at the end of the holidays.

My office day used to be a Thursday, a lot of people took annual leave on a Thursday!

My contract just says hybrid subject to arrangements with my manager.

I appreciate DH works away, but could he take some annual leave during summer holidays to spend some time with his children and cover a couple days where you need to go in. Would be lovely for oldest to spend some 1 to 1 time with their Dad - I am presuming that it's the oldest who is the childcare challenge during summer holidays, as youngest is in nursery?

I'd have just changed my working pattern without mentioning it (as long as it was within my contract terms).

Did you really say your DH doesn't mind you working!! Some weird 50's housewife vibes there.

Does he have to work away or does he enjoy you being the default parent?

This is lunacy. You only need to go in once every six weeks so do that. Or just go in on your day that your parents have them- even if there isn't meetings that day, you're still fulfilling your obligation. You go in more often the rest of the year so it's not unreasonable to work to your contract for 6 weeks.

Yes we both have time off planned, we have a family holiday planned and have booked some leave around holiday clubs. It’s all speculative and I would go in if I could but I was just trying to give my boss the heads up and ask for some leeway if it was going to be difficult for me.

We have to go in for certain face to face meetings, I accept client meetings id need to go (but I arrange those directly so I can do those when it’s more convenient) I was asking for some discretion re the informal ones.

@DisforDarkChocolate he doesn't mind if she doesn't work- he doesn't mind being the sole provider.

I meant he doesnt mind if I don’t work at all, or reduced my hours. What im saying is the pressure isn’t the same for us both re work.

in any event I am relatively content with the arrangement as it has evolved, in some respects out of necessity and some choice between DH and I.

So where does the once every 6 weeks come from ?

That’s what we discussed during the interview. The message then changed after I started to going in more frequently, which I was ok with.