Work, childcare, summer holidays. Disappointed with need to be “fair”

[CalmDownWithChocolate]

I work mostly from home for a public sector employer who promotes flexibility. When I interviewed I was told I’d need to attend the office every 6 weeks. Part of the reason I changed jobs was because most of my sector can work from home now and I recognised this enables me to work more hours and makes life more manageable around my two children, nearly 3 and 5. One nursery one, school. DH works away.

Not long after I started the message re office attendance changed and we were encouraged to come in more often. I’ve shown willing and done that, I go in 3-4x a month. Other staff have resisted and still only attend once every 6 weeks. I am also PT (3 days) and other staff resisting are FT.

Over the summer holidays all the clubs have reduced hours vs wraparound care. Over half term this meant I was slightly short on my hours and the day I went to the office I could only work 5.5 hours (meant to do 7.5). It felt quite chaotic and I was chasing my tail all week. I have hours to make up this week and I’m limited in my ability to do it.

I thought for summer, given I go in more than others and what was discussed when I accepted the role, I’d let my boss know it’s not practical to come in so often and asked if I could join by teams for the less formal meetings if it meant I’d be struggling to get my hours in that week. Some team members live far away and never attend the office so it’s not like it would only be me.

Her response was it “must be fair to the rest of the team” she doesn’t have kids and told me it was the same for her, her commute takes time off her day. I tried to explain that term time I can fit it all in but I couldn’t make the hours up and I didn’t want to end the holidays in a deficit.

Other members of the team dodge these in person meetings for all sorts of reasons and I am one who has consistently gone in to show willing. So now I’m asking really, only to revert to what was agreed and am told that’s not fair.

I wish I’d not bothered asking and just blagged it. But I’m not that sort of person and like to be upfront.

I qas going to post the same.

Nice shaming of childfree women there OP.

OP as others have said unfortunately I think your openness and reasonableness has been your downfall here. I have been a working parent for nearly 20 years and I would absolutely only share an issue with my boss once I knew it was an issue. In the nicest possible way nebulous statments that things " might be more difficult" or " might not be possible" is just completely unhelpful. I would just step away from it now and deal with situations as and when they arise, remember both you and your DH are entitled to unpaid leave to care for dependents.

This doesn’t need to be a stressful situation for you if are in the position where you don’t absolutely need this job. You know you could easily get another job or do contract work and your husband doesn’t mind you cutting hours and or not working at all. That’s a very privileged position to be in.

I say just do as you please, go into the office when your parents have the children, make sure your work is stellar and if you can’t make these informal meetings then just don’t go. If your boss has a problem she will pull you up on it and you can explain your predicament again.

Agree with virtually everyone else. Work remotely for the summer and tell your boss that it's allowed under the terms of your contract and that it's in line with the others in your team. Don't get into a know about it.

Women are too nice sometimes!

I think you just do what suits you and let your manager come back to you if there's a problem.

That's what everyone else is doing by the sounds of it. I get that you prefer to be more communicative but sometimes that doesn't help. Doesn't sound like they're going to sack you or that you'd struggle much if the did!!

Another option if you don't need the money is take 6 weeks of unpaid parental leave www.gov.uk/parental-leave

This exactly. You shouldn't even need to mention you kids or personal life. Your boss doesn't care why you need to WFH (as you experienced).

What a sad state of affairs, I’m very open with my boss about home life pressures that might impact work and she’s very accommodating. We all have things that impact from time to time and I’d hope most employers would recognise that accommodating occasional staff needs fosters loyalty and commitment.

OP I’d plan to go in one day in the six weeks, which was your agreement, and just not mention it again. If asked I’d say I was matching the pattern the rest of the team follow.

Thank you - I raised it as half term was difficult and I didn’t want a repeat. Actually spoke with DH and agreed this was the way to approach but I appreciate what you’re saying with the benefit of experience.

I just meant she doesn’t understand. She says it’s the same for her but it isn’t. She has had her own reasons not to visit the office for extended periods but that wasn’t re kids.

My advice would be to rock up to the office on the one day that your kids are with their grandparents and if your manager isn't in, then that is their choice but you've made the effort to go into the office as per the new arrangement.
I'd even have Teams/Zoom calls without the background being blurred so that they can see that you're in the office.

Then when the summer requirements are no longer an issue, revert back to going in on the day that more staff are in.

I love love love working from home but I wouldn't use it as a means to be able to look after my kids. It was a thing that we all adapted to during lockdown and we actually adopted it as productivity didn't decrease, in some cases it increased because people weren't stuck in the rush hour traffic or on the tube or whatever, so were at their desks earlier and could do more.

Could you see if there is someone in your nursery/holiday club that could either do a collect from your home and bring your kids to club and you would be able to do the collecting from the club and dropping home (so you're only absent for one of the journeys per day) or find someone who could do all of the collecting/dropping for you?

In that case, I'd become less accommodating.

The dh works away and she is already pt

I love love love working from home but I wouldn't use it as a means to be able to look after my kids

See this is what I try to actively avoid - having the children when working. So far this school year sickness etc hasn’t interrupted me at work once with the kids. I’m pretty good at towing the line, what I’m asking is not to have to factor my commute in on those days to enable me to work without the kids.

i do have someone to do PU but just on that set day. I chose that set day because it’s a day I have to be logged on later on.

Can't quote the pp, but I didn't read the OP as 'shaming' her child free boss. However, if you are line managed by another parent, they do tend to understand the difficulties that go with juggling childcare etc. My own line manager has become FAR more flexible and understanding since having her first kid.

Yes it was an observation relevant in the context rather than a slur.

OP- you've been more than reasonable. Ask for a meeting. "I'm glad you brought up fairness, because as other team members are only in x times a year, I would like to return to doing that too, although I may come in on other days ad hoc on my own discretion. I have effectively taken a pay cut in exchange for this consideration and have been flexible outside of term time. However, it may be that I need to reconsider if that benefit is being rescinded in order to take up another post which will allow me to pay for increased childcare costs."

If you are part time, how many hours do you have to do a week?

Can you spread them over more days so that you finish earlier as standard so have time to do the pick ups?

If your contract days by agreement with your manager then you are essentially bound by that.

Eg 3 days a week is only 22.5 hours, you can easily spread that over 5 and fit it into much shorter childcare days.

It sounds like you basically never really planned for a hybrid role, you expected almost full time wfh. If thats what you needed you really had to insist on that contractually. You'd have seen immediately if they wouldn't give that what it meant.

Tbh she sounds like an inexperienced manager, one who doesn't understand that they can get the best out of their employees when they are reasonable about meeting their needs (a stressed out mum in the office worrying about her kids will be less productive than one WFH)

@WhenSunnyGetsBlue but a Mum in the office focusing on her work may get more done than a Mum WFH whilst trying to supervise children.......

Back to OP, I think it was a mistake to raise childcare / holiday clubs as your reason for going to office less frequently. That's not your employer's problem to resolve. Better to focus on the fact that other people are only going in once per 6 weeks and if that's good enough for them, it should be good enough for you

Not all employers can be flexible. A teacher can't push a class back like an office based employee can a meeting.

I can’t because my youngest is only in nursery 3 days and there’s a waiting list to swap sessions - I have asked on many occasions for extra days and nursery are always at capacity.

I haven’t asked to supervise my kids and work.

Yes this.

You are going into work on the day that you had been told was the set day - not your fault boss has changed to another day.

If pushed I would go in to one of the team meeting days over the summer, but raise the question that these meetings should be on the original day agreed.

As far as work goes - 'fair' means applying the rules the same to everyone and not discriminating on protected characteristics. Not looking at you or situation in the round I'm afraid. I know it drives everyone potty!

not in 2024 it doesn’t.

we HR people are moving to frameworks rather than rigid policies and it’s the job of managers to apply them appropriately to staff based on their individual
circumstances.

@Pin0cchio when I was still with my ex one of the kids was ill and he took the day off as I had a lot on at work. His boss actually told him that being off for the kids was his wife's responsibility and it wouldn't be allowed again 😱. It wasn't all that long ago. We still have such a long way to go.

You go in 3-4 times per month, so over the six weeks of summer that’s approximately 5 days in the office.

Can you say to your boss that you can be in for x amount of hours on your days in, but will put in a few extra hours another day?

While the children are in school with wrap around hours available, could you work a few extra hours to use in lieu over the holiday period?