Work, childcare, summer holidays. Disappointed with need to be “fair”

[CalmDownWithChocolate]

I work mostly from home for a public sector employer who promotes flexibility. When I interviewed I was told I’d need to attend the office every 6 weeks. Part of the reason I changed jobs was because most of my sector can work from home now and I recognised this enables me to work more hours and makes life more manageable around my two children, nearly 3 and 5. One nursery one, school. DH works away.

Not long after I started the message re office attendance changed and we were encouraged to come in more often. I’ve shown willing and done that, I go in 3-4x a month. Other staff have resisted and still only attend once every 6 weeks. I am also PT (3 days) and other staff resisting are FT.

Over the summer holidays all the clubs have reduced hours vs wraparound care. Over half term this meant I was slightly short on my hours and the day I went to the office I could only work 5.5 hours (meant to do 7.5). It felt quite chaotic and I was chasing my tail all week. I have hours to make up this week and I’m limited in my ability to do it.

I thought for summer, given I go in more than others and what was discussed when I accepted the role, I’d let my boss know it’s not practical to come in so often and asked if I could join by teams for the less formal meetings if it meant I’d be struggling to get my hours in that week. Some team members live far away and never attend the office so it’s not like it would only be me.

Her response was it “must be fair to the rest of the team” she doesn’t have kids and told me it was the same for her, her commute takes time off her day. I tried to explain that term time I can fit it all in but I couldn’t make the hours up and I didn’t want to end the holidays in a deficit.

Other members of the team dodge these in person meetings for all sorts of reasons and I am one who has consistently gone in to show willing. So now I’m asking really, only to revert to what was agreed and am told that’s not fair.

I wish I’d not bothered asking and just blagged it. But I’m not that sort of person and like to be upfront.

@SneezedToothOut And we all know many managers are incapable of this. Every issue that comes to HR where there’s “discrimination” is down to a manager not applying what rules are still there! Having fewer simply leads to bias and confusion.

This is what I’ll do 😁 I generally find it hard to bank hours because of childcare - can manage my hours but working extra is difficult. I have been making more of an effort with the holidays looming.

What plans does your DH have in place for childcare ?

It's not fair ....I worked for a LA doing something which pays a lot more via contract ...maybe the same thing? When I needed to go part time they said no so I appealed and threw everything on the website about flexibility, caring, compassion, wellbeing etc at them and my request was granted !

If you're not junior and therefore have a bit of clout I would go back to her and state that you cannot come to the office more than once over the summer holidays and will revert to regular arrangements after the holidays. Speaking as a manager she's being both weak and unreasonable. However as she is weak in your position I would use it to my advantage and tell her what's happening, not ask.

She doesn’t want to have the kids at home. She wants to wfh so she has a full work day without them.

Typically holiday clubs might run 8-4 so if you have one 10
mins from home you can drop off/pick up and easily work 7.5 hours in between. If the office is a an hour commute each way then you only get to work 5.5ish hours in the office by the time you allow for leaving a bit early to be sure you are back on time.

The plan was evidently the other parent working part time around the childcare hours the family have available to them. It was a perfectly viable and reasonable one until OPs manager moved the goalposts about days.

Yes exactly and I have to get two kids to two diff places which both start at 8am. So I usually set off around 8.30. 45 mins there, yesterday it took me 50 mins to get back home and I don’t like to cut it so close to the wire incase of traffic etc.

It is difficult. Hope you can sort it out so you enjoy your summer without much unnecessary stress 💐.

@Dweetfidilove thank you. I know it’s a problem almost all parents have. It feels like treading water sometimes!

@CalmDownWithChocolate revert back to going into the office once every six weeks, if you cant attend a meeting in person, message your boss the day before telling her you will be attending by zoom (not asking her), and email her the following response to her reply:

I agree that it must be fair for everyone in the team. However, several team members work from home permanently, and never attend the office.

I consistently attend meetings, and currently attend the office 3-4 times per month, whereas other team members come into the office once every six weeks.

Therefore, in order that I am treated fairly, going forward I will be attending the office once every six weeks, in line with the other members of the team.

Don't mention your childcare issues to your boss again, make it about being treated in line with the rest of the team. Don't do her any favours going forward, if this is how she repays you. Good luck!

Sounds like she's got a bee in her bonnet about kids. I'd actually resign and get a new job. And say why in the resignation letter.

@CactusSammy thank you.

I think it was a mistake to frame it around childcare. There is a member of the team who doesn’t come in because she doesn’t like it and doesn’t like the working environment in the office - she prefers to be at home. She will not come in any extra and when she does come in makes a point of wearing headphones or using empty meeting rooms to separate herself from the team. There’s all sorts of other spurious reasons others don’t come in.

I agree with the reverting to zoom if you can't make it in person.

However I wouldn't send that message, you aren't school children and it's better not getting into specifics about others attendance.

If she asks you directly to come into a meeting, you could ask her what the actual in office policy attendance is. You need to know what is acceptable, not what is desirable.

Ours changed a few months ago to 40% in the office monitored by the line manager. I partly hate it because it treats us like children, but it does remove the issue of certain people never coming in as that's really what it is meant to address.

Unfortunately school holidays childcare is and always has been a bit of a nightmare. I remember juggling my hours when I was full time in the office, so DS could attend a 9.15-3.15 football camp.

I’m a HR Director. My team know my line is that managers manage. If they don’t want to we do offer to remove that part of their remuneration.

(they all have the opportunity for training and coaching as well as some basic mandatory new manager stuff so they aren’t out in the wild on their own.)

I do think this. I had a 3 month notice period for my last role and on my first day in this role my manager asked me to change my working days. I was a bit miffed and said I couldn’t change days as I’d need to swap days at nursery and there’s a waiting list for days - if I’d done it during my 3 month notice period it would no doubt have been fine. She made it sound like I was being difficult, so I said in the interim I’d log on during that non working day as required but I’d need to have DS with me and that might limit my ability to take part in meetings. She said that wasn’t appropriate.

DH’s view was that was ridiculous to give up a non working day and she will have to wait until I have childcare - the days were agreed at the outset and written into my offer letter.

I think there’s this notion you’re asking for an advantage in making accommodations for your children. But there’s loads of staff not attending the office, working PT, working condensed hours because they want to and who don’t have kids.

DH works away

sorry but we read that all too often. Why has he chosen to have a family then? Leaving OP to shoulder all the hassle of childcare.
Find alternative employment where you DON’T work away fellas, or tie a knot in it.

I would raise the others attendance, as it highlights the inconsistencies between team members in the current working structure.

The ops bosses entire response was based on 'fairness', so by presenting her with those facts, I can't see how she can refuse the ops request.

I wouldn't mention the kids neither. Others doesn't do it and it is in your contract. Stick to your contract.
I think this kind of issues are going to be the ones which will end with some people being allowed to work remotely.
It happened in my job, people were too far and they just took it off for everyone with the exception of the few that have it in the contract.
If is in your contract stick too it.

It does a bit, doesn't it?

I'd play hardball, with a view to potentially resigning if needs be. There's no reason to tolerate this kind of nonsense from an employer.

That’s between DH and I and nowhere have I said that doesn’t work for us. I carefully chose a job that suited our circumstances.

Exactly.

It's perfectly reasonable for you and your OP to have organised your work and childcare splits in the way you both see fit. The problem has arisen because your boss has moved the goalposts.

when people show they don’t value your efforts, you step back. I’d be fucked off and decide to do her no more favours, so I’d reply very professionally by email - ‘thanks for the chat the other day and I absolutely agree it should be fair. So I’ve taken a look at what other team members are doing and I’m going to do the same from now on, I’ll come in approx once every 6 weeks. I think this will be much easier actually and certainly much more like the working pattern I was told I’d have when I signed up!
As you know my parents have my children on Tuesdays so for the sake of the team I’m willing to be flexible and come in a bit more often for team meetings if they are on Tuesdays, so let me know if you think any can be moved.
thanks again and see you in July!

You make it very professional, it doesn’t matter what else was actually said, as everything I put in my suggested email was said and is true, so what is she going to do? You will just be miserable sprinting around trying to keep plates spinning for the sole reason she’s decided you’re a pushover. Demand some respect and you will get it.

Sounds like you're in a very strong labour market position with an idiot/inexperienced/childphobic manager.

I'd have a clear discussion with her (and preferably HR) about your contract, your excellent performance and the fact that you are being treated less favourably than others in the office. Sounds like you're prepared to go and that's their last chance to pull their socks up and keep you.

Good luck 🍀