Work, childcare, summer holidays. Disappointed with need to be “fair”

[CalmDownWithChocolate]

I work mostly from home for a public sector employer who promotes flexibility. When I interviewed I was told I’d need to attend the office every 6 weeks. Part of the reason I changed jobs was because most of my sector can work from home now and I recognised this enables me to work more hours and makes life more manageable around my two children, nearly 3 and 5. One nursery one, school. DH works away.

Not long after I started the message re office attendance changed and we were encouraged to come in more often. I’ve shown willing and done that, I go in 3-4x a month. Other staff have resisted and still only attend once every 6 weeks. I am also PT (3 days) and other staff resisting are FT.

Over the summer holidays all the clubs have reduced hours vs wraparound care. Over half term this meant I was slightly short on my hours and the day I went to the office I could only work 5.5 hours (meant to do 7.5). It felt quite chaotic and I was chasing my tail all week. I have hours to make up this week and I’m limited in my ability to do it.

I thought for summer, given I go in more than others and what was discussed when I accepted the role, I’d let my boss know it’s not practical to come in so often and asked if I could join by teams for the less formal meetings if it meant I’d be struggling to get my hours in that week. Some team members live far away and never attend the office so it’s not like it would only be me.

Her response was it “must be fair to the rest of the team” she doesn’t have kids and told me it was the same for her, her commute takes time off her day. I tried to explain that term time I can fit it all in but I couldn’t make the hours up and I didn’t want to end the holidays in a deficit.

Other members of the team dodge these in person meetings for all sorts of reasons and I am one who has consistently gone in to show willing. So now I’m asking really, only to revert to what was agreed and am told that’s not fair.

I wish I’d not bothered asking and just blagged it. But I’m not that sort of person and like to be upfront.

The wider social context isn't a reason to go after the DH, though.

OP and her partner have agreed a mix of work and childcare that we are told suits both. The problem has arisen because OPs boss moved the goalposts. Sure, maybe in a different society all parties would make different choices to the ones they have here. But they've not, and meanwhile it's the manager who is in the wrong.

Fair does not equal treating everyone exactly the same… There is some terrible advice on here that once upon a time I too thought was the right approach ie ‘don’t mention the children/the fact you have a womb that has been used’. It’s right that you’ve mentioned the fact you have children to your employer. You should carefully note all examples of her rebuffing your reasonable requests. If this continues do put in a flexible working request more formally. (I was advised in a previous role by a VERY successful employment lawyer that this is crucial if you should ever need to take action later on). You’re not asking for special favours though as a parent you do have rights… she’s treating you LESS favourably than staff without caring responsibilities which is frankly a flag for sex based discrimination.

If we're in the same industry part time roles are like gold dust if you go freelance! Full time roles are in high demand and pay very well though.

No and there are a range of reasons other people don’t attend these meetings. I have no idea why mine is being treated less favourably. My boss didn’t attend the office for several months for completely unrelated reasons that I felt weren’t all that compelling but I didn’t comment. I do wonder if her lack of attendance was part of the trigger for the push re increased attendance.

Your manager sounds weak and dim… She has been over promoted and could land the company in trouble if she has other employees who are up for a fight. Remember your worth and the fact you have skills that are worth more to them - and the competition - than the random demand for sudden presenteeism. The bit of advice I wish I’d taken earlier on is ask for forgiveness, not permission.

Typical example of giving an inch and people taking a mile

Op

email her back and say that the reason you took this role was explicitly due to the WFH benefits.

mention your stepped up efforts to accommodate the recent request to be in the office more but reiterate that you are unable to logistically do what she wants in the holidays but that you can still meet your work obligations by working from home.

explain that you mentioned the importance of WFH in your interview and now these terms seem to no longer apply you are feeling backed into a corner/anxious about it all

and no your dp need not pick up the slack if this company starts being reasonable

They can either put up or shut up!

Can you explain what you mean?

@Quitelikeit thank you. It was a face to face discussion. Her view was I can take AL to make up those hours which I can but I’d rather not. My issue is partly that I’m not a blagger and I like all my ducks in a row and to be organised. I broached this because I planned to WFH over half term, put that in my diary and something was scheduled that required my attendance. I was annoyed as thought I had the discretion and had made a concerted effort to fulfill my quota of office attendance in the weeks leading up to it.

Yeah, you're the weakest link, OP. The most amenable people will always be expected to kowtow, because you're making it easy for them. If you can easily pick up work elsewhere, I'd simply give them a fait accompli, reminding them that you've been clear about what you need from the get-go so they can take it or leave it, ie. you'll walk out the door.

@OhHelloMiss maybe her DH is in the army being shot at. Not my idea of a good deal!

The second you mention kids it becomes childfree vs you. When I asked for changes to rosta etc because of an appointment even a beauty appointment or I’d like to meet a friend etc (in return for a different day on), grand. The second I said anything about kids it was ‘I have to think about it, the others won’t find it fair, you have kids and I know that means you have to adjust this etc but it doesn’t mean others should have to work for you. You should really have alternatives’ etc

It sounds like a job that potentially might not work out long term.
What you discussed on enrollment isn't what the reality has turned out to be. That's not necessarily anyone's fault, but it is what it is.

That being said, childcare will be come easier once both kids are of school age. There are plenty of providers of 8-6 and 9-5 holiday care. It's not very cheap, but for a couple of days each holiday, it's probably doable.

@zingally i haven’t seen anything other than 8-4 clubs. It will be easier when they’re both in the same place!

I think you just need to formalise your working arrangement. Do you work three or four days? Can you actually fit your contracted hours into your days with the commute? If not, then maybe you need to cut your hours further or formalise a home worker contract, perhaps with occasional office days.

I would focus on you, rather than colleagues, they may have wfh arrangements in place for all sorts of confidential reasons of which you should be unaware, such as disabilities, health problems or medical treatment such as chemo or physio, caring responsibilities / carers passports etc.

3 days. I easily manage to do my hours and visit the office far in excess of every 6 weeks for the rest of the year. I just need some flexibility over the summer.

So someone eithout children can't understand the need for childcare?

Do you think we are all unbelievably stupid or something?

You really need to work on your reading comprehension or possibly just your ego. This was a statement about OP’s boss, not you or anyone else and it did not say that her boss was incapable of understanding, just that she does not understand.

If your workplace is like many others it goes quiet over the summer so there's fewer meetings and if you do struggle in you might be on your own in the office. I would just not go in over the summer except when you've sorted childcare.

i would not try to work with preschooler as your work and your DC will suffer. Older children it can be fine for half a dayish

In this instance there is a lack of understanding which I have demonstrated. I’m not sure why you have decided to take offence to that.

I could have written this! I don't ask now, just do as I please as everyone else seems to, never been pulled up on it.

As my old boss used to say, if you take shit you get shit!

Just sounds like you need to formalise expectations regarding office attendance. You also mentioned client meetings, if we have an external face to face meetings they are counted in the same way as office attendance. Our attendance is monitored via our log in and reports are provided monthly on everyone’s attendance.