Work, childcare, summer holidays. Disappointed with need to be “fair”

[CalmDownWithChocolate]

I work mostly from home for a public sector employer who promotes flexibility. When I interviewed I was told I’d need to attend the office every 6 weeks. Part of the reason I changed jobs was because most of my sector can work from home now and I recognised this enables me to work more hours and makes life more manageable around my two children, nearly 3 and 5. One nursery one, school. DH works away.

Not long after I started the message re office attendance changed and we were encouraged to come in more often. I’ve shown willing and done that, I go in 3-4x a month. Other staff have resisted and still only attend once every 6 weeks. I am also PT (3 days) and other staff resisting are FT.

Over the summer holidays all the clubs have reduced hours vs wraparound care. Over half term this meant I was slightly short on my hours and the day I went to the office I could only work 5.5 hours (meant to do 7.5). It felt quite chaotic and I was chasing my tail all week. I have hours to make up this week and I’m limited in my ability to do it.

I thought for summer, given I go in more than others and what was discussed when I accepted the role, I’d let my boss know it’s not practical to come in so often and asked if I could join by teams for the less formal meetings if it meant I’d be struggling to get my hours in that week. Some team members live far away and never attend the office so it’s not like it would only be me.

Her response was it “must be fair to the rest of the team” she doesn’t have kids and told me it was the same for her, her commute takes time off her day. I tried to explain that term time I can fit it all in but I couldn’t make the hours up and I didn’t want to end the holidays in a deficit.

Other members of the team dodge these in person meetings for all sorts of reasons and I am one who has consistently gone in to show willing. So now I’m asking really, only to revert to what was agreed and am told that’s not fair.

I wish I’d not bothered asking and just blagged it. But I’m not that sort of person and like to be upfront.

Sure, but childcare is a juggle. Especially the summer hols, especially when you have one in nursery and one at school. You're at a bit of a pinch point. You've tried to set up a system where he doesn't need to get involved at all, but much like ringing your parents to help in a crisis, or one parent getting leave from work when the other is hospitalised, can he not find a way just to do a bit?

Split the difference - juggle - a good chunk of you quietly doing the minimum days you can get away with, the odd day of DH taking a turn, or you taking leave on separate days rather than together, a bit of you working evenings when you'd rather not.

Part time or not, and irrespective of salary, you're a team and should support each other to stay in work. For us that meant a lot of our leave being taken separately when kids were at this age.

Completely separately does your nursery take older siblings over the summer? Ours did, only usually YRs, and was longer hours and more gentle than other providers. DD loved going back. Might be worth asking them if you haven't - nurseries often have space over the summer.

@Elodea i have said elsewhere in the thread that DH has used some AL and we have a family holiday during that period. I am organising my work around the childcare available to me.

re nursery - they tried to do a holiday club which I enquired about but they didn’t have enough uptake. They were trying to gauge interest before investing in it and I think
it fell a bit flat.

Agree with this. If they continue to be unsupportive I’d look for another role if you can wfh in the sector easily.

Personally I'd take the lead from others within the organisation.
If you have taken the job with certain conditions - stick with those as that was what was agreed both ways. Hopefully you have that in writing!
If they aren't coming in so often, then do the same. The company have either got to enforce across the board or accept the status quo.
If you also know you have a back up plan, that puts you in a strong position.
You were being responsible being up front.
Keep notes of meetings etc just for the record if needed.

I agree. I'm always confused by the partner must do an equal share mantra. It's not always physically possible. My partner leaves the house at 6am and returns at 8pm. I work part time flexibly and therefore I do all school runs, clubs etc. It's not "poor me" we sat down and had a very rationale discussion about how we were going to handle having children and what was important to us as a family. This is the agreement we came to.
He is very hands on at the weekend but is the admin/child load equal...absolutely not but I'm ok with that.
Rather than constantly strive for equal sharing, I think each family needs to agree what works best for them.

I could work full time also but it would require a live in full time nanny if I wished to return to my original career. We made the decision that wasn't for us, we didn't want to share our home and we wanted one of us to be there for the children.
Our decision doesn't make us wrong/right/morally superior - it's simply that, our decision for our family.

I’m in the same position as you and I just keep repeating, that doesn’t work for me.

I wouldn't stress about this OP - doesn't sound like there is any consequences regarding people not coming in, so just give them the heads up the day before whatever meeting that you'll be joining online. I think you are in a lucky position where it doesn't really seem to matter if people go in or not - other work places are becoming much more strict. Just get your work done and don't give this any more headspace :)

I know its too late, but my mom always says 'dont invite a no'. When you ask all you're really doing is inviting the to say no. I live by that mantra. If I'm not explicitly doing something wrong I'm not asking

@CMMM precisely. This arrangement didn’t come about by accident, I always knew when I had kids I’d like to go PT. I looked at getting a nanny before taking this role for a different role and took a step back and reminded myself what I actually wanted to do. I am actually, shock horror, quite content being the primary carer.

You're not doing anything wrong so stick to your guns. Don't forget you've got a lot of summer holidays ahead so you want to make sure they stick to the agreement you made.

The best thing I ever did was go Freelance. Is that a possibility to avoid all of this nonsense?

and "better to ask for forgiveness than permission"!

Do you know what it’s something I talk about over and over. It’s confidence that I lack. But there’s a huge amount of work and I am approached about roles all the time. One of my best friends (also ex manager from circa ten years ago) always says she will have some work for me. I always worry about being over phased in a role and not having an out.

There are several angles to this though. We don’t live in an equal society so most of the time the female reduces to part time because she earns less or is less senior. That’s partly because men are seen as more capable and reliable, not needing pesky maternity leave etc.

So every individual family decision does have wider impact because it reinforces the “she’ll be wanting mat leave and then to go part time, let’s not develop/promote her” which they then apply to other women.

I took the plunge in similar circumstances - yes, its initially frightening but oh my, the rewards! I work when it suits me and my children and I can honestly say that my stress levels have never been better. Oh, and I'm much better paid!

Thanks @StainlessSeal i will consider it. Ironically alot of my work is for organisations that would need a contractor if they couldn’t use my services where I am. I’d get paid more and cost them less!

I'd just go in less and if you get picked up on it then say you feel you are doing the same as others...

You have been too accommodating. I see this with some of my (female) colleagues at my work. Women bend over backwards in situations where men just say no from the outset, then get frustrated, and then the relationship with management sours when you're not towing the line.

I don't know why you are being so accommodating to this manager. She is not your friend, clearly. She values you less than your colleagues who just stand their ground from the outset.

I'm afraid you need to get more confident.

You sound like such a joy to be around!

Thanks. I don’t view it as a lack of confidence, if something doesn’t work for me I’ll say - hence the job move anyway. I have just tried to be conscientious and upfront.

I know full well other people in the organisation (but not my team) just collect their kids from school and work afternoons and during school hols with their kids at home. Whereas I was trying to be upfront, more fool me though.

why did you feel it relevant to mention that your boss doesn't have kids?

Because it was and is in the context. She said the travel into the office had the same consequences for her in that it took time from her working day, but she doesn’t have a same restrictions re childcare that I do.

@CalmDownWithChocolate You're giving them excuses. Your manager does not care. They literally do not give a shit. By explaining yourself so much you're giving them an opportunity to convince you to back down.

If other colleagues are just saying no, while you are giving excuses but then you are also making it work in the end, it says to them that you CAN do it but just wanted a moan first.

@FirstBabySnnorer yes I appreciate what you’re saying. Agree re a different tact.

So your boss said it needs to be fair to everyone. But others have nor been coming in as frequently as you. I would say that I understand that x number of people come into the office on y number of days so to keep things fair you will do the same