I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

She is dead.

This is exactly what I was thinking. She’s being hired as less as an au pair more of a cheap nanny but without that title.

I’d be worrying a bit here more that OP will be taken advantage of and not given support as a cheap nanny option.

The language issues also strike me as a bit strange seems like he almost wants an unpaid German tutor in the form of your DD.

@SpringerFall haha. I clearly said she should trust her daughters judgment. And was pointing out the consequences if something did happen. Not that I think it would particularly?

AndiOliversGlasses I have lived in London since I was 23
I wonder if it was your age that meant you didn't experience hassle from men. I went to London aged 19, and when I went around on my own, I was continually hit on. I looked about 14, wore jeans and a t-shirt and no makeup. I went back a couple of years later, and more worldly wise, and I just didn't have the same hassle.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain au pairs are usually for language teaching! That's a key part of the whole thing.

They are also meant to be learning the local language – in France they get a language learning stipend from the government I think. The whole thing is setup as a cultural/language exchange programme.

Actually Mandarin/Spanish/etc speaking nannies are also frequently hired to teach the kids a second language. It's very common. But the au pair thing is historically even more so TIED to teaching kids a second language.

Quite literally happened on this thread. Someone shared a positive experience of a young au pair with a single dad and another poster basically told them this experience didn't matter...

How dare you accuse me of lying (yes, that’s what the “impressive immunity” sarcasm was meant to convey, don’t deny it) and/or attempting to undermine others’ experiences.

That pp asked if others had experienced the same and I replied with my experience. I did not comment on anyone else’s experience. It is not an attempt to undermine anyone. What did you want me to do, pretend?

Most don't report gropings, flashings, etc (I didn't) so the sex crimes statistics are likely not accurate

I looked up number of sexual assaults in London in 2023. I got the figure 24,958.

I then looked up, percentage of sexual assaults that actually get reported. 9%. If so, that could be 277,311 sexual assaults in London. Obviously just an estimate.

Granted some of those will be from intimate partners but I bet some from random disturbed weirdos on the street, too.

People who haven't ever been assaulted have been lucky or maybe they give off a "don't mess with me" vibe somehow.

Just want to explain why some of us are "sexist" against men and don't automatically trust them. And why the admonishing comments from a few women on this thread about sexism can be a bit baffling.

Add to this the experiences of being hit on often by much older, married and partnered men when young.

And by the way, the only time I reported a sex crime (was a man who was masturbating in public) the police told me I likely just surprised him enjoying a private moment and not to worry about it. This was about 10 years ago. They don't give a shit in my experience.

But, as I've said, in all sincerity, it sounds like a legit work opportunity and good luck to OP's daughter.

everyone has different expectations. for free food/travel/rent, i def do not expect anyone to pay 1000

Not sure. I lived in Paris-as an au pair- when I was 19 and had a few dodgy encounters then- eg a guy exposing himself at a suburban railway station- though was never physically assaulted. Paris has always felt much more edgy to me than London. I used to go up and down to London as a student before moving here permanently, had no issues.

Maybe the little girl's mother was German? It would make sense to continue that language, if so. If French is the language they speak at home, and your DD has some, then it’ll actually be a pretty good way for her to brush up on her French. OPOL is the standard way to bring up bilingual children; whilst it may feel exclusionary, it’s the only way the father can ensure his DD speaks his language.

i speak to my DS in a mix of French, Italian and English. He always replies in English, though.

AndiOliversGlasses · Today 14:13

I have lived in London since I was 23 (I am now 50) and have never once been groped or sexually assaulted on the tube or anywhere else.

Edited to add that I have spent lots and lots of these 27 years walking around alone, and after dark, and in less prosperous parts of the city.

I lived in London from 1981 until 2010. I too used to walk around fearlessly after dark in some insalubrious areas and never had anything actually happen to me, but I was careful as well as bold. Always alert.

I also had innumerable assaults on the tube and buses: everything from the possibly accidental bum or boob grab in a crowded carriage during rush hour. Regular suspicions that a man was rubbing up against me too enthusiastically for it to be accidental. Those happened so regularly I barely registered them. More seriously, I had several men masturbating and exposing themselves to me. The most scary was on the last tube southbound from Southgate on the Piccadilly Line one weeknight when I was trapped alone with a man who sat opposite me, got his dick out and told me in no uncertain terms to stay seated and watch while he wanked. It felt like a very long time before we reached the next station, where I was able to jump off the train and onto a deserted platform and yell for help. He was never caught. He was the worst, but I can picture at least three others playing with themselves while staring at me.

I mention all this because just because nothing bad happened to you doesn't meant that other women share your experience.

Have you been reading too much porn/chiclet and you think he's going to take advantage of her or something?

Nah, I wasn't accusing you of lying. I was, however, indeed accusing you of undermining other's experiences. Half your post is right at least!

Now I am adding in a fresh accusation: that you think people are stupid.

Person A: I've been groped/assaulted

Person B:
" I have lived in London since I was 23 (I am now 50) and have never once been groped or sexually assaulted on the tube or anywhere else.

Edited to add that I have spent lots and lots of these 27 years walking around alone, and after dark, and in less prosperous parts of the city."
-> yeah, Person B is just telling an extra long story with all these details for fun, not to make any point at all.

Person A: Maybe it's because I was petite

Person B: I'm petite too, never been groped, none of my friends have been groped

Anyone with half a brain cell can see Person B is at least partially trying to contradict/undermine Person A's experiences.

But I think I was quite polite in my initial reply to you (I admit I'm not being fully polite at the moment). It was much less of an overreaction to your post than your subsequent frothing old lady at a John Lewis returns counter "how dare you accuse me of lying", lol.

OP I’ve read all your posts and to me the red flag is nothing to do with the single Dad’s morals or your daughter’s safety. It is that she would be working with a father and young daughter who have recently suffered a tragic bereavement. A child in that position is going to be very emotionally fragile and both she and the Dad will still be adjusting to their new life and processing their grief. Not only that but she’s not even supposed to speak to the girl in a language that the girl speaks fluently, so the relationship is going to be tough. I’d say that this job is best left to someone more mature and your DD is too young to be getting embroiled in such a difficult domestic setup. I feel for the family but it all sounds a bit much. There must be more straightforward positions available.

I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

You completely lost me there! S/W London is probably the safest of anywhere. Caveat: I live in SW London!

Actually, why let facts get in the way of your feelings and your opinions? Absolutely ridiculous post.

wow - i moved to London aged 19, blonde and (it's been said) reasonably attractive. Maybe hit by a bit in bars etc but nothing just moving past and not engaging wouldn't stop.

Even aged 15 in London no issue...

I'm nearly 60 and I do wonder why some people have continual issues coming across men who somehow behave inappropriately towards them. I've never ever had it happen to me whether socially or at work. As I said, a few cringey approaches in bars but that's about it.

I get that. My DM learned French from both her au pairs when younger.

But coupled with the cooking she’s being taken advantage of plus the language too. He’s preferring her because she can speak German. Otherwise he’d have to opt for a German/Austrian au pair or get his DD lessons in German if he wanted that so much.

I'm absolutely shocked at the attitudes of some people on here. I can only assume you have no experience with decent men in your lives.
Every man in my life, without exception, is decent. Every man. My dad, my brothers, my sons, my ILs, my brother's friends, my friend's husbands etc. There is not one man in my life that I can think that I would be wary about.

I'm not for a second suggesting there are not absolute dickheads and abusive men out there, but this attitude that all men should be treated with suspicion and are potential predators is so harming. I want my children to be strong independent people. I want to prepare them for the tough world but I also want them to be kind, and compassionate, and loyal. I have boys and girls. I am raising them all to be confident in who they are and to not accept bad treatment from others. I am very conscious of especially teaching my boys this. Because the way society is starting to go I worry more for my boys than my girls. I worry that they will be the victim of abuse by women who immediately see them as an easy target to cry "abuse" about.

Here we have a young man, raising his daughter alone and some of the judgements thrown about by people who know nothing about him and have read a few lines of text (by someone else who knows nothing about him) is horrific. I sincerely hope none of the (decent) men in your lives ever end up in the position of this man, and have random strangers throw disgusting judgement his way. The only good thing about this thread is he is unlikely to know what has been said. Although if the opinions on here are as common as they seem, then he will absolutely be getting judgement and suspicion from women in his daily life. All just because he's a man.

It's actually disgusting.

Poor you! That's awful! 20 years in London and also 5ft - fortunutely never encountered anything like that

I've wondered, too, why I felt like I had a target on my back but others haven't had the same experiences.

I survived sexual abuse in childhood and I'm wondering if the perpetrators of this kind of sexual harassment could sense some kind of chink in my armour. No-one would know to look at me though. I didn't go round with poor posture or feel bad about myself. I also was very attractive back then so I might have attracted attention in that regard.

Eh? Lots of mothers would like time for their hobbies, don’t see anything wrong with that! Lots of Dads play golf or football every weekend.

That's wonderful for you that you've had such an easy run of it when it comes to relationships with the men in your life.

What's not so wonderful is shaming other women who haven't.