I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

Right, so Westminster, Chelsea and Camden (listed across virtually every different source as the 3 areas with the highest crime rates in London) are more dangerous than the likes of Croydon and Newham. Ok. Frankly that's what's ridiculous and would get most Londoners laughing very, very hard.

I'll take the time to explain the obvious to you though. If you want to do a detailed deep dive into crime type/circumstances, go ahead – those are facts, not random generalised high-level statistics. You'll find that for example the St James' area (which is where very upscale residences, gentlemen's club and crucially near where most govt buildings are located) has a disproportionately, incredibly high recorded crime rate simply because it's so heavily policed. Do you really think criminals are running amok along government buildings?

There are also many other reasons for the statistics, eg people don't trust the police and don't ever report crime (sometimes they just turn it into an ongoing feud instead) in rough areas. In any very basic Stats 101 class, the first thing we learn is to look at how statistics are derived.

Anyway, I'll summarise it in frank terms for you. A young person could get stabbed or raped in broad daylight in many places in London, eg South London estates with gang activity where people fear repercussions if they intervene. This has happened, quite often. It's really not likely in nicer areas – the reputation exists for a reason. House prices are usually a good indicator.

Aren't you lucky..

My father : abusive alcoholic
Eldest brother: creep/inappropriate behaviour towards women.
Brother closest in age to me: SA'd me

First boyfriend: tried to force me to have sex

Flashed by men so many times I lost count. Men masturbating in front of me and my friends.

Many other men who attempted to assault me in some way. They were always older.. I was a young teen.

I have many good men in my life. I have a wonderful son, BIL, nephews and male friends.

I know not all men are like the abusers I came across however I also know to be on my guard at all times around men, because it was always a man who abused me.

My experiences aren't unique either..

I don't look for an abuser on every corner but don't you think women like me who have experienced similar might be wary of men?

Still don't hate men.. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm teaching my Daughter and Son to be confident good people too

It is not my intention to shame women who have had bad experiences. I know there are bad men out there.

My point is this attitude that no man should be trusted, all men should be treated with suspicion and seen as a predator is very damaging. If young women are being taught that how are they ever to be able to have a healthy relationship. There was a post here the other day about someone's wedding day. A small incident that the OP wanted advice on. One poster actually advised that she arrange to go out with her friends on the night of her wedding and leave her new husband on his own to deal with whatever imagined situation might arise.

I 100% know that some men are bastards. But this attitude that all men are scum and deserve to be treated as such IS damaging. It is damaging to men, and is damaging to young women who rather than be taught to be confident and assured, are being taught to be fearful and suspicious. It's not good.

And some of the things said on this thread about a man that nobody, not even the OP, knows anything about ARE disgusting. And some women have also suffered abuse. Both things are true.

"Aren't you lucky.."

No. No I don't think I'm lucky. I think you have been very unfortunate. My life should be the standard. And it probably is. Most women will not live in abusive homes. Most women will not be abused. That doesn't make them lucky. And a woman who hasn't been abused should never ever be considered "lucky". Because that means that most men are shitheads and only a tiny minority of women will be "lucky" to find one who isn't.

That's simply not true.

Some men are absolute scum. But not the majority of men. The majority of men are just average, decent humans. Like the majority of women. That is my point.

Rules for AuPairs are VERY strict. Must be in a family abroad, with a different language to AuPair. Not more than 30 hrs work, and at least 50% with the parent (for language acquisition, and safety) and time for a language course paid by family.

I don't think anyone is saying all men are scum.

But for those women who've been raped, sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, driven out of a job because someone is being inappropriate, don't you think it's valid for them to listen to their instincts and stay wary? And NOT trust men. I realise you don't like it and think it's disgusting to do that, but it's about survival.

You might be interested to read about this study: one third of male University
students say they would rape a woman if there were no consequences.

This demonstrates why women are wary and no amount of shaming will stop that.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/a-third-of-male-university-students-say-they-would-rape-a-woman-if-there-no-were-no-consequences-9978052.html

"Estimates published by WHO indicate that globally about 1 in 3 of women worldwide have been subjected to either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Most of this violence is intimate partner violence."

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women#:~:text=Estimates%20published%20by%20WHO%20indicate,violence%20is%20intimate%20partner%20violence.

You're in the fortunate 66% @TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre

Please don't shame the women who have reasons to be wary. They aren't doing it out of sexism or prejudice, but out of survival.

I think everyone here concerned about the pay and expected workload have no clue about what an Au Pair is or what they are expected to do.

Au-Pairs are generally expected to do up to 30 hours a week of childcare, some household chores, and teach the children their language/culture. Normally alongside this they will do language classes in the native language of the country they are in.
From this they get minimum wage - living costs. For 30 hours this would be about £190 a week once the Accomodation was taken off but could be much lower for just 18 hours. £150 would suggest she’s getting paid minimum wage for every hour worked without accommodation being taken off - great deal.

These are unqualified teenagers, not nanny’s. The gain for them is getting to live in another country free of charge, make some money and get some experience.

It’s absurd that anyone thinks this is low pay in these circumstances or that too much is being expected!

Of course she should speak to the child in German that’s part of the parcel of being an Au pair.

OP I understand why you are worried but this sounds like a good deal. If it’s 30 minute round trip for the school run then I’d imagine the child goes to one of the lovely preps in “nappy valley” such as Thomas’ (same chain of schools as the Cambridge children went to), it’s a lovely area and houses on the common sell for 2/3 million. I’d make sure she has a get out plan (money for train and hotel and flights) but otherwise this sounds fair.

Clapham has a lovely young demographic on the east side of the common which will make socialising a lot easier and there will lots of other Au Pairs around!

Yes, "Intimate partner" - I am talking in the context of this thread, a young widower hiring an au pair. Some of the things said about this man, that nobody on here knows, are actually disgusting. He will not be an "intimate partner" of the au pair. He will be her employer.

I am absolutely not talking about violence against women, about violence against women in their families, or in their relationships. I am talking about an innocent man who has all sorts of accusations and judgements thrown at him by people on this thread - purely because he's a man. No other reason.

I do know why some women would be wary. Of course I do. But I don't think that's the case in this thread. For example. one poster questioning why he was single suggested he may have gotten a young teenager pregnant and as the older man with more influence removed the baby from her care!

This is what I'm talking about it disgusting. These types of judgements without knowing anything about the man. And making these judgement simply because he is a man.

People making unfounded speculations about what he might have done to a previous employee might be a bit OTT.

But male employers taking advantage are not unheard of. I'm sorry it offends you but it's reality.

We're talking about a young woman going into the home of a man she doesn't know. That's not an intimate partner, but it is sharing space, in a situation with a power imbalance. A young woman living with an older man. Anyone who doesn't consider the possible ramifications of that, is being a bit naive.

Not saying he's automatically an abuser or a letch, but it's wise for OP to consider the possibility.

These men who abuse women who are their intimate partners, are not good men in general. Their abuse is likely not limited to intimate relationships. The experiences upthread are a testament to that.

For what it's worth, I've been hit on by employers multiple times. I've had bosses make sexual comments about me in front of everyone in meetings. I've had a boss kiss me. I've had clients send me sexual comments by email, too.

We don't know this man is innocent. Given that 30% of men might be totally shit (see link above), it's wise to be wary.

(It actually looks like a legit work opportunity though from the updates.)

And if you don't like it, take it up with men. They're the reason for women being wary and untrusting. Go shame them.

yaaasss queennnnnn

That area can be extremely wealthy but of course mixed in with other sorts too.

The dad sounds like he works in the city. The fact he wants to daughter to be trilingual says it all. He’s ambitious for her, just like he is himself.

While you are worried about some stuff, how your DD feels about being one of the main points of contact for a poor little child that has recently lost her mum?

Has your DD ever encountered grief before?

I live in SW London lived here my whole life. I’ve never ever felt like I’ve had a target on my back what nonsense. I’d let your daughter grow up. She will find her feet. If it’s awful she will come home. It’s not permanent. London is a lot of fun. I think she will enjoy it. It’s not perfect but as long as she’s sensible there’s a lot to gain from this experience.

Please link these rules?!

I might be shocked and disgusted too if I had made up the amount of things you have here.

@AppleStruddle123 That's a pretty nasty and thoughtless thing to say to someone who's been sexually assaulted repeatedly in London. I hope you aren't as mean in real life.

Saying we should trust all men because not all men are abusers is not just illogical but also deeply irresponsible and women who follow this will be put at risk.

Hi OP, I'm in SW London and my au pair gets £220/week. My kids are only here half of the time as I share with their dad 50/50. She walks the dog, does the laundry and studies English when she's not doing the school run. No weekend expectations.
Tell your DD I'll have her from August!

Looks like a great offer!

Apologies. I didn’t read the whole thread. I’m sorry for that poster. I didn’t read the back story.

YABU
Also YABU not comfortable with the fact you've put his postcode /location on here, why would you do that?!.
There's enough identifying info on this thread if anyone is from that area themselves.

Oh come off it. There's loads of people living in Clapham Common. She didn't post his address.

Postcode
Rough location
We know his family set up and layout of house
You'd be comfortable with all that about you and your family on here, would you?
Ok.

It's not sexism is it though.
Unfortunately it's factual that men, as a group, pose risks to women that women do not.

I'd not mind it, no. If she posted my address, I would mind.