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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To sleep with a 23 year old?

672 replies

Possomoppossum · 05/06/2024 18:46

Given that I am 42,he knows full well how old I am,we met on a dating site where he wanted to meet older women.ok or creepy age gap?

OP posts:
LordPercyPercy · 07/06/2024 22:06

Funnily enough though, in my 20s I very much felt the power balance lay in my favour when dealing with middle aged men. Certainly in dating.

Oh definitely. As long as it wasn't a same-workplace scenario or something, being a young woman was powerful currency.
I didn't personally date much older, not my thing, but nor would I have appreciated being told I was some sort of exploited victim if I had chosen to.

Bravo1945 · 07/06/2024 22:14

I have a friend whose wife is 77. She is very active sexually. He is 79 and has difficulties keeping up with her despite taking Viagra. If you feel up to it and I feel you are interested, go for it. My motto is do it while you can, applies to lots of things. Go for it.

Ethylred · 07/06/2024 22:52

Update please OP.

JawJaw · 07/06/2024 23:24

I think the OP was hoping people would be sharing MILF stories and was disappointed that most posts were serious comments about the advisability of age gap relationships.

I doubt the OP will be back.

Bowies · 08/06/2024 00:48

It’s interesting this came out quite evenly divided.

For those who mention the other way around, people wouldn’t bat an eyelid and specifically Leo Dicaprio, I’m sure I can’t be the only one who finds it viscerally embarrassing and considers he must be deeply flawed, every time he’s pictured hanging out with these women in their twenties?!

goddeshreya26 · 08/06/2024 00:54

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goddeshreya26 · 08/06/2024 00:58

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goddeshreya26 · 08/06/2024 00:59

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Firefly1987 · 08/06/2024 01:34

Bowies · 06/06/2024 19:42

Would consider them practically a child with this age gap (though they are over 18) full maturity happens around 25 if neurotypical, later if not.

People probably shouldn't be having kids before age 25 either then, what with them still being practically children themselves 🙄

OldScribbler · 08/06/2024 04:38

Firefly1987 · 08/06/2024 01:34

People probably shouldn't be having kids before age 25 either then, what with them still being practically children themselves 🙄

No children till 25? Some knowledge of history might benefit anyone who dictates what is acceptable or likely in sex. Eleanor of Aquitaine (1137 - 1204) had ten children, first two with the king of France who she married when 13, then 8 with Henry 11 of England. She lived to be 80.

StarlightLady · 08/06/2024 05:52

JawJaw · 07/06/2024 23:24

I think the OP was hoping people would be sharing MILF stories and was disappointed that most posts were serious comments about the advisability of age gap relationships.

I doubt the OP will be back.

She’s busy! 😀

Palacelife · 08/06/2024 07:08

I am 43 and my son is 21, I was thinking recently how I’d feel if he had a relationship with a woman my age. I decided I’d think there was something a bit wrong with the woman. I’m sorry but there is a massive imbalance in life experience and emotional maturity.

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 08/06/2024 07:49

Palacelife · 08/06/2024 07:08

I am 43 and my son is 21, I was thinking recently how I’d feel if he had a relationship with a woman my age. I decided I’d think there was something a bit wrong with the woman. I’m sorry but there is a massive imbalance in life experience and emotional maturity.

Depends what you mean by ‘something a bit wrong with the woman’. If you mean, ‘she’s different in her tastes from me’, you’re being very unreasonable!

Many posters have cited their own preferences as if they’re a reason for judging others’ choices. I might not be able to share in the sexual attraction towards much younger men, but I also can’t feel sexual attraction towards women because I’m heterosexual. So whilst it might be true that I couldn’t imagine that a sexual relationship with a woman would work for me, it doesn’t follow that there’s something wrong with a woman who does desire that.

If your son wanted a sexual relationship with an older woman, and the older woman wanted that too, who are you to say it’s ‘wrong’? I’m sure he’s capable of making his own decisions.

There will be some older women whose emotional, as well as sexual, needs are met by a much younger man. We’re all different.

I don’t know - perhaps it’s because I’m not a mother of boys, but I don’t see men in their twenties as little kids who need protecting from scary middle-aged women. I feel the power lies largely with the virile young man! And I’m willing to acknowledge that their may be a bit of ‘woah I scored a milf’ from these lads - but that simply underscores the idea that these men are very comfortable with what they’re doing. Most middle-aged women would be sharp enough to gauge whether notch-scoring was going on, I’m sure. And to decide if they were comfortable with that.

Come on, all this hand-wringing about what women are allowed to do sexually (with consenting adults) is quite absurd; meanwhile men are dressing as dogs in broad daylight and demanding the general public ‘respect their kink’ or whatever. Let’s stand up for women ffs!

yumyumyumy · 08/06/2024 07:53

Palacelife · 08/06/2024 07:08

I am 43 and my son is 21, I was thinking recently how I’d feel if he had a relationship with a woman my age. I decided I’d think there was something a bit wrong with the woman. I’m sorry but there is a massive imbalance in life experience and emotional maturity.

It's likely the woman is very immature for her age or insecure and seeking validation in a younger man. Or feels like she can control a younger person. None of the reasons are particularly great.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/06/2024 08:00

yumyumyumy · 08/06/2024 07:53

It's likely the woman is very immature for her age or insecure and seeking validation in a younger man. Or feels like she can control a younger person. None of the reasons are particularly great.

And it couldn't just be that she's not a "typical" 43 year old who wants to be sat at home watching TV, or married, or looking after children? Or that he was more mature than average for 21?

People are different. They're allowed to be different. I went to school with a guy who was basically born 50. He still hasn't changed and we're nowhere near 50 yet. On the other hand, a girl I went to school with got married at 18 to another 18 year old and is currently onto her 3rd divorce. All relationships with "age appropriate" men. I bumped into her the other day and she hasn't grown up from that 18 year old who was desperate to be married.

Let people be who they are, if it's not actually hurting anyone.

Palacelife · 08/06/2024 08:10

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/06/2024 08:00

And it couldn't just be that she's not a "typical" 43 year old who wants to be sat at home watching TV, or married, or looking after children? Or that he was more mature than average for 21?

People are different. They're allowed to be different. I went to school with a guy who was basically born 50. He still hasn't changed and we're nowhere near 50 yet. On the other hand, a girl I went to school with got married at 18 to another 18 year old and is currently onto her 3rd divorce. All relationships with "age appropriate" men. I bumped into her the other day and she hasn't grown up from that 18 year old who was desperate to be married.

Let people be who they are, if it's not actually hurting anyone.

I’m not what you described as a ‘typical’ 43 yr old
I don’t watch much tv for a start, have an interesting career and interest outside of that, active and social and enjoying life and what there is to explore
what I am not, is someone retaining teenage values.

westisbest1982 · 08/06/2024 08:21

yumyumyumy · 08/06/2024 07:53

It's likely the woman is very immature for her age or insecure and seeking validation in a younger man. Or feels like she can control a younger person. None of the reasons are particularly great.

Much more likely is that she’s sexually attracted to him, which some people on here find shocking (reading between the lines - nobody would admit to being a prude).

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/06/2024 08:42

Palacelife · 08/06/2024 08:10

I’m not what you described as a ‘typical’ 43 yr old
I don’t watch much tv for a start, have an interesting career and interest outside of that, active and social and enjoying life and what there is to explore
what I am not, is someone retaining teenage values.

How is it teenage values to have a sexual experience that you enjoy with someone not exactly the same age as you?

Two adults. Both consenting. Both get something from it. What's the issue? Genuinely?

Sorrynotsorry22 · 08/06/2024 08:53

I did sleep with older men , in my youth obviously ( 2 to be precise) . Was always aware of their age. Much as I loved everything they could offer the sex was always a let down sadly.
From wrinkly bottoms, to looking like a zombie in the morning. The older men weren't as taut( and they worked out as well) . They were more considerate as lovers but lacked the passion of a younger man.
I was too immature to appreciate the slow burn back then.
Looking back I behaved appallingly because I knew that at 20 years younger I could role play the child. It was a phase in my late teens and early 20s. Yes I had daddy issues. I didnt have a close relationship with.my step dad so maybe sub conciously i was trying to navigate how that felt to feel.a close bond with an older guy.
Late 20s I switched to being the'older' women. Only by 4 years but he abdicated all responsibility so I got my come uppance!
His mom became weirdly competitive too which ultimately was our undoing.

Longma · 08/06/2024 09:19

23y and 42y are really NOT at the same life stage. They are generally worlds apart, bar many having a job.

At 23y I was in no way similar to when I was 42y.
My dd is 22y and is no where near the same life stage as a woman/man who,is 41y.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/06/2024 09:34

Longma · 08/06/2024 09:19

23y and 42y are really NOT at the same life stage. They are generally worlds apart, bar many having a job.

At 23y I was in no way similar to when I was 42y.
My dd is 22y and is no where near the same life stage as a woman/man who,is 41y.

Do you need to be at the same life stage to have sex with someone?

Relationships, yes you absolutely should be. But casual sex, it's not necessary.

FancyRat · 08/06/2024 09:42

Longma · 08/06/2024 09:19

23y and 42y are really NOT at the same life stage. They are generally worlds apart, bar many having a job.

At 23y I was in no way similar to when I was 42y.
My dd is 22y and is no where near the same life stage as a woman/man who,is 41y.

Speak for yourself, because as someone with children I am in the same life stage, albeit we may have had different experiences. This is the infantilisation again.

One 23 year old may have always lived with their parents, maybe is unemployed and coasting through life.

Another might be travelling if that's their thing.

Some 23 year olds are working high-responsibility jobs that require a lot of maturity. Not all 23 year olds are the same.

LordPercyPercy · 08/06/2024 09:45

Relationships, yes you absolutely should be. But casual sex, it's not necessary.

I don't think it's necessarily a criteria for relationships even. If both sides wish to have a relationship with each other that's up to them.
I'm not in one myself (literally months between DH and I) but I've known quite a few couples with big gaps in both directions over the years. It was just people who at some stage had fallen in love.

FancyRat · 08/06/2024 09:46

Or rather, your life stage is about the circumstances of your life, not your age.

A 23 year old settled with children is not all that different to a 42 yo with children.

A 23 year old gym rat traveller thrill seeker is not all that different to a 42 yo of the same vein.

They have plenty in common, similar experiences. Older person is likely more mature, but that's not important for a hookup so who cares?

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