To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

If it's a girl you could always call her Cinderella.

OMG. I can't believe this is real. It is an absolutely appalling suggestion if it is.

That is absolutely the worst idea possible. I know someone who has tried to force that mindset of take care of your sister you have to take her when I die. She no longer has anything to do with her mother.

So many parents of ASD kids spend their lives making sure their siblings don't become glass children
You're talking of having one for that purpose, this is heading towards the lines of donor babies...

I've only read the OP's posts. I think you've already got lots of answers regarding actually having another child.
What struck me was that maybe you are assigning his (maybe moderate) ASD to behaviours which are within the norms for any 7 yo child (NT or not).
Going into his own world isn't immediately something to worry about. Plenty of NT people do this.
Learning that people can manipulate or take advantage of you is quite an advanced skill for a child.

That said, I have been very grateful to have siblings during the tough family times in my life (illness and bereavement). When life carries on for everyone else (as it should), my siblings and I take time to think about our parents.

My SIL is shouldering the responsibility of both her parents having degenerative illnesses and while I can and do help a lot (and am happy to do so), ultimately tough decisions come down to her. She has a very supportive husband so she's coping but it's hard. She is not an only child, but her brother (my ex) has been estranged from the family for many, many years.
There are no guarantees in this funny old life.

You don't need second child.
You and your DH need second jobs.

Save as much you can so your child can pay for part time carer if regular check ups from an adult are assessed as future medical need.
Parenting 101

Sounds very sensible OP, though of course there are no guarantees. But having a sibling to act as a guardian/advocate will be very beneficial in the long term, even if they don't do the heavy lifting in terms of day to day care. I think you do need to want that second child for themselves though.

I can completely understand your fears and where you are coming from, OP. You didn’t mention that you wanted the sibling to be a carer but just a point of contact when your child needs it. I do think that it’s worth considering, as others have pointed out, that a second child could also have ASD. If you want another child then try for one.

As your child gets older you can try to teach him as many life skills as you can (if he is able to understand) e.g. reading timetables when catching the bus/train, basic cooking, basic money management. Hopefully he will also meet someone one day and have a family of his own who can look out for him.

Having another child just to be a future carer for the older one is unreasonable.

Sorry but both of my kids are ASD, but the youngest barely noticeably as he has really engaged with therapy and workshops, so he functions quite ‘normally’, with some extra time in exams and small exam rooms. Ie the average person wouldn’t know. His older sister has significant MH issues and so DS has, effectively, been a sibling carer for much of the past 6 years. This has significantly added to his stress and anxiety. As a result, we supported his applying to a state 6th form with boarding facilities on account of his needing to separate from her, have space to find friends, and learn to live independently with his own ASD.

It is utterly appalling to think of having a child simply to provide a sibling carer, as we will do everything in our power to ensure our older child is in the best place she can be emotionally/psychologically so that she can live independently. We are saving and financially planning so that there will be money to help this/her.

Lastly, as you can tell from mine and no doubt other people’s replies… if you have one ASD child, there is an increased chance of having another. So you could be leaving two ASD people without support, not one. And the second child could have more life delimiting presentations.

Your best bet is to get involved with the NAS and local autism support groups and help your child adapt and develop skills, and build up a social/support network for both yourselves and your DS. If he has no SEN needs, then there is every chance he can live independently in adulthood. Both mine are planning on going to university and having careers, albeit we are trying to ensure they live at home or in a family owned flat/house. There is huge support for bright students (weekly pastoral care sessions, weekly 1-2-1s with an academic tutor to monitor timetables/coursework etc) and the Disabled Students Allowance to cover costs like a nurse/carer/home help to check in with him during term-time - all scaffolding him into independence.

The behaviours you describe are not untypical of an average 7 year old, just amplified. With the right behavioural therapy/autism support/(dare I say) parenting, he will become more streetwise and self-aware as he matures.

The NAS will had advisors you can discuss your fears over the future with, as well. You’re not alone in this, and neither is your DS.

I think she’s got the picture now! But many parents of children with special needs spend their entire lives worried sick about what will happen to their children after they have gone. It’s a nightmare. Saviour siblings aren’t the answer, but the desperation is real.

You need to have genetic testing done on your child.

Your child is only 7 years old. He could grow up to have a education and a career.

If his condition isn’t genetic and it’s some weird fluke he’s autistic then I would have another child.

What if your next child decides to emigrate and marries while overseas and has no intentions of returning. they might just to escape their future caring duties

This is one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen on here.

I agree with everyone it’s an absolutely terrible idea.

But, but, but I do understand your worry about the future.

All I can say by way of reassurance (which is not a study or anything researched) that with my limited experience with friendships and family, most people with autism I know are much happier as adults.

@Whattodo14 - could you put aside funds so that your son could have a personal assistant, who could support him to live as independently as possible?

I absolutely understand and empathise with your worries about your son’s future, but I am sure there are better ways to deal with these worries than having another child.

There is absolutely NO test for autism. Just a raft of scientific research that suggests that it is highly likely to be due to a shit tonne of genetic factors. 🤦🏽‍♀️

No, don’t. Children, even as adults, shouldn’t be seen as responsible for siblings.

Unreasonable to have another child.

however OP your child is only 7. I work with autistic kids and they can change and develop so much especially with the onset of puberty (it’s a huge brain development stage) and what feels impossible now will have you proud in just a few years.

I’ve seen kids completely no verbal able to speak with time.
kids seemingly unable to do much for themselves able to prepare basic meals and live semi independently .

there’s college course and all sorts now that teach life skills and independence so your child will be able to function.

theres sheltered housing schemes and community carers who help too.

It’s going to be hard for you both but not terrible

Children with ASD can struggle with siblings, I’d consider whether it’s fair and if your child would actually cope with your attention being divided.

I’ve unfortunately seen huge regressions too.

He’s seven, you have absolutely no idea what his support needs are going to be like into adulthood. The idea of having a child just to be a caretaker for their sibling is horrific.
I’m an autistic adult. I’m married, I have very good job, I’ve got a mortgage and dogs and generally speaking a bloody nice life. My main issues come from existing as an autistic person in a society that isn’t set up for autistic people and the only thing I can do about that is therapy…
You’re better saving money instead - if he needs carers, if he needs therapy, if he wants to buy a house, if he wants to indulge a special interest, then the finances will be there.

Sorry OP, I think you know YABU.

I would try not to worry as 7yo is still so young. My ASD dd was like that at 7, but at 12 she is much more savvy. She is not academically bright or very practical or socially aware, so most aspects of life are more difficult for her. However, she functions OK in a mainstream school and absolutely will be able to get a job and support herself one day. I'm not sure in what capacity - she may not go to uni and may need support in her early adult years which we can hopefully give her. She has a future, and your son will too!

I do have a NT 10yo dd too. We didn't know dd1 had asd when she was born; it only became apparent later. Honestly, having a sibling complicates things so much. She can get jealous and resentful of the attention on DD1 and is quite demanding in her own way. The attention and time and money is all split between 2 kids. I wouldn't change it, and i'm glad they have each other, but I also would warn against a second child if you are not 100% wanting a child on their own merit, and do consider the potential problems. If dd2 had had also had ASD, I think it would have pushed us over the edge.

That's really not right, op. Awful reason to have a baby. Don't do it.