To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

Have a child because you want a child, having a child to look after another one isn’t going to end well. It’s a lot of pressure to put on a child also might not even work out, they might end up not speaking, they might want to move to Australia or somewhere else or a complete different part of the country and won’t be there for anything.

No, it's absolute madness. Sorry but it would be a complete disaster. How are you going to explain to this new child that their role in life is to look after their older brother? The siblings might hate each other! No. Just no.

There is a genetic link and a link to older parents for ASD, there is also some newer research about it being linked to obesity.

You would be mad to have another child just to hope they would be the carer of the child you have now.

I understand your feelings of fear but it really isn't a siblings responsibility to care for them. Children don't choose to be born so we can't impose roles on them! My son also has autism and I do worry what will happen after we are gone. We trying to build a support network for him him and give him any therapies that will help him. He's only young and I'm trying to focus on getting him to be independant and building skills in line with his capabilities. As others have echoed the risk of having another child with autism is higher as you already have one child diagnosed and as you age the risk is also higher.

I have a friend in the position you want to be a second child in and she is very, very bitter about it. She's had really bad depression and mental health from the burden of it.

My siblings are not sympathetic to my autism. They tell me to go for a walk if I haven't been able to leave the house. They don't understand. They drive past my house and don't come in or check if I need anything. I'm not saying they should help me but some people are oblivious.

I'm in an incredibly similar position to you albeit my son is now 9. I also know far too many families who have more than one autistic child to even take the risk lol.

It's a worry but don't let it steal your joy while you ARE actually alive, cos there's absolutely nothing we can do to change the fact death will happen. Harsh but true. I worried for years but there's no point!

Although I'm the oldest my younger sister is autistic and everyone and everywhere we went people just left me to look after her. I stopped doing it at 16 and will never take responsibility for her as an adult.....its not my job or responsibility. I don't even particularly like her. By means I wish her the best but its shit being responsible for another human being when you are given no choice.

But he might not want to. They might hate each other. He might resent being expected to look after his much older sibling. He might move 100’s of miles away to get away from you all and have his own life. With all these ‘mights’ one certainly is he will resent forever being born just to be a carer.

And what happens if your second DC also has ASD? I think having a second DC to care for the first is grossly unfair to #2 who should be living their own life, not be born to be a carer for #1.
You should focus on securing help and financial resources for your son (in trust?) when he comes of age so that he can live as independently as possible.

Funnily enough I had a thread myself this morning about my own brotherly struggles!

I largely see this in the same way as @Comedycook but I think the difference is you don’t want another child, if you did it would be part of the package if you like. I do think some replies are overly simplistic - it isn’t just about money, for instance. I don’t have the answers as if I did I wouldn’t have needed my own thread.

I couldn't agree more. What an appalling reason to have a child. Absolutely dreadful and totally wrong.

Indeed. I have nothing to do with my older brother.

@Whattodo14 are you for real????? that is a stupid idea!

And as others say, mums can be massively helpful when they are older. My lovely mum has poor mobility now but still offers so much in the way of moral support, she's 85. Before then she would be physically supportive also.
If and when your son needs carers and additional support I hope you can have a bit of savings aside for that.
You've so much on your plate. I hope you can seek counselling if you feel it might benefit? And I'm sure you've been in touch with autism charities?
Having another child isn't going to help you caring for your DS. It will make it more difficult.
I wish you all the best.

I am that sibling, I understand entirely where you are coming from OP but I equally wouldn’t recommend it. I missed out a lot on my childhood due to my siblings needs, not her fault at all. Just the way it is!

We expect a lot more from life nowadays for ourselves and our children. In the past, family members were often carers because there was no one else around to do it and that was the expectation - life wasn't so much about personal fulfilment but duty, especially for women and girls.

Being the sibling brought up with expectations of doing your 'duty' must be doubly tough nowadays when most parents are focused on their children's happiness and supporting them to fulfil their potential - whether that's travelling the world or working in the local shop. It's tough when there's a disabled sibling who by necessity needs the lion's share of a parent's attention, and I know families in this situation often go to great lengths to minimise the impact on the other children, with varying success.

...as he doesn't realize he has to pay bills. I know your DS is only seven at the moment and you can't imagine him being 18 plus, but this scenario is not congruent with ...has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright. By the time your son is 18 he will be far more aware of how life runs. He might not seem like it now, but they do develop, albeit more slowly than NT kids.

My DS is nothing like how he was at seven, and at seven he wasn't like how he'd been at three. He was diagnosed aged three and I had the same fears as you, built purely on how he was presenting then. It's all you can do because you can't see into the future. That's the scary part, when they're in their own bubble and even though they are clearly intelligent, you can't be sure they will be able to utilise that intelligence to their potential.

Your best bet is to financially plan for support and seek the best interventions you can now, while he is young and his brain is developing. Another child is not a good idea as you don't really want one, they are highly likely to have significant difficulties also, and your resources are better utilised in helping your existing child reach his highest potential.

I understand your fears but having another child for your reasons isn’t the answer.

My DD is 6 and DS is 3 both autistic and his needs are more severe than hers. And I’m hoping as he’s gets older we can teach him as many life skills as possible. I totally understand that will be based on how things progress with him and his journey and my DD are totally different.

We had the same fears for DD when she was 3 but over last 18 months we have now got her to dress herself independently not always perfect but she’s getting there. She loves watching me in the kitchen so I get her to help with the dishes and loading and unloading the washing machine. She thinks these are all games and loves doing it. Her communication and social skills are really poor just now but we’re hoping that will improve the older she gets.

My DS 18 said she knows more than me and she’s 6 and he has said I know I’ll always look out for them but the way she’s going I think she’s going to be taking care of me. And it made me realise when I had oldest DS I always just did everything for him took it all for granted that he wouldn’t struggle with these things if something happened to me. So if I could go back in time I would have taught him from early age how to use the washing machine etc

Parents do do it though - quite regularly.

He's seven. Of course he doesn't know how to pay bills. People with ASD are capable of living independent, fulfilling lives. You just have to help guide them to be independent and not let them have learned helplessness.

What happens if the child wants to move away to Australia for example. How do you plan on stopping him/her? guilt tripping them. YAB massively U. Even if he she didn’t move away and ended up living next door that doesn’t mean they’ll want to be a carer. When you have your own child of course you’re taking a risk that all may not be well but as their Parents come hell or high water you deal with it because you’ve got no other choice, but to put that on a child who did not ask to be born is sickening. I’m not normally this harsh. I hope I haven’t upset you

I have 3 DC. The middle one has ASD, the other two are geeky, possibly also verging on ASD. The siblings have both moved away, 150 miles. They won't be looking after DS2. They don't really get on with him and harbour some resentment for how their lives were restricted by having him as a brother.

If you have another child, there is absolutely no guarantee they'll care for their brother or even like him. They may very well have ASD themselves as it runs in families and the age of the parents seems to be a factor. I really wouldn't have another child in your position.

That's a terrible reason to bring a child into the world anyway, but the chances are your 2nd child will probably also be autistic and may also have a learning disability. These things tend to run in families and among the families I know the ASD traits tend to be stronger in the younger kids

Don't be ridiculous. You can't have another child to look after the other one. What if there's something wrong with the second child.