To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

You don't have autism, it's not a disease. You can however be autistic.

Your last sentence completely contradicts all the others. What if the sibling doesn’t want the “very beneficial” option of becoming a guardian/advocate?

My parents abdicated responsibility in so many ways for my younger (NT) siblings and expected me to be a third parent. It totally wrecked my relationship with all of them. I think it’s so insane that some people are just allowed to create human beings for whatever usage they see fit whereas some aren’t able to have any at all.

You have stated that you don't want another child but are considering this for all the wrong reasons!

I did this exact thing. My autistic son was 7 when my daughter was born, then I had a 3rd child 5 years after that! My youngest son is also autistic! I did want more kids though

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable- I have a son with ASD and I know what it’s like to worry about what will happen when you’re no longer around. I have a younger DD (they’re both adult now) and although she loves her brother I know she will not want to take him on as a full time commitment. There’s no guarantee that if you have another child they will want to be your DS’s carer. Have another child if you want one but you will have to let that child grow up as an individual and live as they choose. Do as much as you can to prepare your son to live independently and to know where he can get help and support from.

Are you expecting the daughter to look after both of your sons then?

One of the most unreasonable suggestions I've ever heard.

Having another child in the hope that they will be able to care for your eldest is a bad plan, especially if you aren't wanting the child for any other reason. Firstly you can never tell that any child will be completely healthy or won't have needs that require assistance from another person. You can't tell the future, they may not get on, they may end up having a life altering accident or wish to do something in their life that means they aren't around for your eldest.

Having a child should be well thought out and you need to be sure that you have the ability to support them to enable them to grow up into the successful person they want to be. It requires time, dedication and some amount of money to do so.

Rather than trying to put a lifelong job on the youngest child you don't really want, it would be better to use the money to put into place a long term provision of care for the child you have already. Help them to develop friends so they are able to live as normal a life as possible.

I do understand the worry about the future for your child. Try not to become overwhelmed by the negativity of the diagnosis, each person who is autistic is different and will have strengths that you might not realise at the moment. I have two neuro diverse kids who have grown up into young adults. They are both amazing and happy people who have strong friendships and incredible skills too.

I'm very sympathetic - I thought I had written your post and forgotten it because there are so many similarities - our age, the age of child, the needs, and also I recently found out I am pregnant. It's very much a wanted child, but I'm definitely worried that they will have the same or greater needs as my first. So no, I would not have another child to look out for the first. What I would do is help your DS learn how to build a support network around him so he does have people to look out for him, even if it's not as family.

I definitely feel your worries. All the best.

Definitely not. How cruel.

The Japanese have robots for people who need care.

Jesus christ no, dont do that.

I do completely understand where its coming from. I'm sorry you have to worry so much op. But it's so wrong for a baby to be born with a job.

Omg just no. This is so wrong. I've worked with autistic children in special school. The amount of siblings is astounding. Sometimes the second is much more sever than the first. Where would that leave them once you die

@Whattodo14 - I know several 40-somethings with siblings with learning disabilities. One gets on well with her sister and has been raised to believe she will look after her. When I first met my friend in her late 20s she was genuinely shocked at the idea that it could be her choice if she took in her sister when her parents could no longer care for her. She definitely has bought a house with the intention of moving her sister in when her mum dies, there is no discussion.

Another who doesn’t get on with their sibling. Both late 40s, hate each other. They sadly have had to face both parents dying. The NT sibling has arranged for the ND sibling to have sheltered accommodation and visits 3-4 times a year, does sort out finances, keeps an eye on what appointments are needed without actually doing the taking or care etc.

either relationship style, it’s better for the ND person to have a NT sibling once parents have died.

for yourself, if you think you might want a 2nd child, go for it. Be aware you might get 2 ND children though.

Why are you writing him off at 7? You've no idea how his life will be. Instead of doing something ridiculously reckless like bringing a child into the world to be his emotional support animal, how about focusing on helping him learn about the world, make friends, do well at school, get a job he likes etc. Then, if it becomes clear when he's older that he won't be fully independent, you sort out supportive housing for him in a community specifically geared towards adults who need a bit of support and someone to look out for them.

Plus, you've no guarantee that a second child won't have even greater needs than your son.

I can't believe this would be your reason for planning and having another child. All your reasons are all about you and your current child and nothing to do with the person this future child might be, want or need. You're ridiculous for even thinking this. My child is ASD , she has wonderful siblings and a family who love and support us emotionally all the time but to bring someone into that on purpose in case I snuff it? No. My child is my responsibility, no one else's.

Try to relax a little. Your child is still young. My eldest has ASD at a similar point on the spectrum to what you describe. There are challenges but he is honestly very down to earth and looks out for his younger siblings. His forthright nature enables him to communicate with them easily (better than me at times).
Your son will learn to navigate the world in his own way. Encourage him and keep moving forward.

Lots of people do have more than one dc with the intention of them looking out for each other as adults, someone to be there for them when parents have passed away. But most make that decision when dcs are babies/very little and if they have additional needs it’s not clear yet.

Wanting your child to have a sibling so they aren’t alone as an adult isn’t a terrible idea. But you do need to factor in they might not get along, or your dc2 might also have additional needs.

I have a 9 year old NT and a very ND 5 year old with complex needs. I wouldn't unless you want the child a lot. I don't want my son to care for my other son, I want him to have a life. My son's disabilities have already ruined a lot of things for my older son, so I wouldn't want that to continue.

Quite a few parents we have bumped into have sets of ND siblings too. We are lucky we only have one child with complex needs.

I will add that I have another family member with ASD and has had a rough time of it, but is doing great now as a young adult and has a lovely girlfriend. I knew another guy with ASD and struggled socially, but has a family now.

I have three autstic sons. There is a strong likely hood your 2nd child would be autistic and could possibly be more affected. Put it this way, if my 3rd son had been born 1st we wouldn't have had any more. He was very very hard work when he was younger and thankfully its looking like his older brothers won't have to look after him when they are all older. 7/8 years is too big of an age gap for them to be playing together too.

An incredibly selfish idea. What if you have another child and as an adult they want to move to the other side of the world, or even the other end of the country? Are you going to insist they stay so they can check on their brother? What if the second child has ASD, or worse? What if the two of them hate each other? It's up to you to plan for your son's future - and not by having another child to do the work for you!!

Your 2nd kid could have the same thing so no. Do you think your 2nd child when an adult and once you're gone wants to be responsible for them? Or look after them? Most people don't want to and its forced on them....I definitely know what I'm talking about as I've 2 family members in this situation and several friends who also are in the same situation and I've never heard one of them want to take on the Job.

Well it's hereditary so the next one has a high chance of having it. All 3 of mine do

My adult sons hate one other. I cannot imagine them checking in or ever staying in touch.

It's unreasonable to have a second child to become a carer for the first, but plenty of people have multiple children so their kids 'have company'. There's a big difference between being friends with someone and being their carer.

However, given your ages and history - the odds are that another child would also have some sort of neurodiversity. Possibly more severe.

And that's before considering you don't really want another child...

I think you're just having a little wobble and in the long run, you'll be happier if you stop at one and invest your energy in raising your little boy and teaching him as many coping strategies as possible.