To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

YABU massively

How about you parent and set up financial plans and long term care strategies for your child as opposed to burden an unborn person!!! Ffs

You’re getting a lot of stick for this but I understand what you mean, you would do anything for the welfare of your current child. I think the thing that you are overlooking is that you would love your next child just as much and would want them not to be burdened just as much as you would want your current child not to be alone. It isn’t a fair reason to have a child. The book “My Sister’s Keeper” explores this to some extent.

This is a terrible idea and completely wrong. The child will always know that they were not wanted, and only created to be useful.

So you can have your own life as long as you always stay within what, 5 miles of your sibling? What if they want to move abroad, have their own family 300 miles away, what if they don’t want to be born simply for someone else’s sake?

Also, what happens if they have difficulties? Will you keep having kids until you pop out one who can ‘keep an eye’ on the disabled siblings?

Christ!

But they might not like each other. There would be a fairly sizeable age gap anyway which might make it difficult for them to bond.

Hopefully your DS will develop his own friendships and relationships with people who might choose to support him in his adult life. You really can’t bring another human into the world for this purpose. What if the second DC realises they were conceived to fulfil a role, not because their parents wanted them to exist in their own right?

Like PP, I find the idea disturbing.

we don't want another child

There's your answer.

That would be a truly awful thing to do.

That would be very unfair on the younger child who deserves to live life on their terms.

What would you do if the younger child wants to go and live abroad ? Then settles there with a family ?

What would you do if your younger child has a disability too? There is a genetic component to many disabilities so your chances of another child with disabilities may be higher.

You literally wrote "we don't want another child". So don't have one.

So when will you tell this spare child the plan when they are 5, 15, 25, 30?

What if they just don't want to? Have you actually considered their feelings?

I think that you should do some reading about the experiences and lives of glass children. (Children whose siblings have disabilities )

It’s the perfect plan to make sure your second child grows uo
resentful and goes no contact with you as soon as they can, and they’d be right to do it. This is one step away to have a younger sibling as spare parts for an older sick one. Have a word with yourself.

Evidently they haven’t

And if the child has a child who is disabled (or their partner or they have a disability) then what?

I suppose the worry and guilt I feel for him when he's older is clouding my judgement and making me think irrationally. It helps to see how crazy other people think the idea is

Your son is seven not seventeen. Give him time to mature at his own rate. He may always be easily led with no real sense of danger but he's also is just seven and may well catch up to a level where he is perfectly able to function on his own.

I can see what your saying my 14 year old is severely autistic and non verbal, withn severe learning disabilities ,I also have a 17 year old neurotypical, son i have told categorically old him that he has his own life to.lead and he is not and never should be his. Brothers carer
My 14 year old will always need supported living ,I think my oldest son will visit him and maybe look out for him.when I'm gone because it's his brother at the end of the day and he loves him ,but only in the capacity of visiting him in the way you would visit any sibling .

I don't think I've ever read a more selfish and misguided reason for having another child.
Particularly when you state that neither you nor your husband actually want another child.
The pressure this potential child would be under, being conceived purely to be his brother's carer when he's older....I can't believe you'd even consider this!

@Namechangeywangeyhangey god I really hope so, that's all I want for him , to be able to get from A to B on his own, to be able to go into town on his own , or to the newsagent and be able to buy a bar of chocolate. To be able to know if someone is mistreating him and say no to them. He has the emotional age of a 2 year old, I hope he develops better as he grows

absolutely not ok. You don’t see this unborn child as a person in its own right. High likelihood that if s/he grows up against this backdrop they will end up moving as far away from you as possible in order to assert their own needs.

This is a ludicrous idea. I know you mean well for your current child, but it's only making any amount of sense to you because you don't "know" your other child yet. You'll likely be overcome with guilt when they're not a concept anymore.

There's nothing to say they wouldn't also be disabled, especially as chances increase with age. Even if they're not, there's a significant age gap, and not all families end up close. There is no guarantee at all that they'll be willing or able to support each other.

It'd be much better to put as much time and effort into helping your son develop the skills that he might need to make friends and ask for help, should he need to; and then any financial resources you have to provide care should it be needed. But there's nothing to say he won't have his own partner or family to support him when he's older.