To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

My oldest sister is severely disabled and my dad died when she was 10 and I was 6 months. All my life my mum told me she only had me to look after my sister. My mum died when I was 18 and in the last 40 years my life has been on hold as anytime I thought of having a partner or family of my own I would remember my mum saying I had to put my sister first, I’m now nearly 60 with no partner no children no friends and my sister passed away last year. Do you really want to bring a child into the world to experience what I have ?? I have had no life and no identity

Are you insane? Talk of having a child you do not want in order to burden that child to look after their older sibling which they may not wish to do. Not to mention they could well have their own disabilities including far more serious asd. Add to that being raised to know you were only born to look after your sibling. What a poor existence that would be. There are services and support available for your child of needed and they may even become a fully functioning adult. What happens if that's the case but child 2 has severe disabilities? Let's not forget the increased risk of downs syndrome at your age meaning you are likely to have a second child with additional needs resulting in less supervision for your other child.

I hope the OP reads your very very sad post.

I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child

So don't have one then.
Massively unfair to bring a child into the world just to have as a potential carer to the child you already have
YABVVU

Take the money you would have spent raising a second child, and put it away for your son so he has the funds for adequate care when you’re gone.

😥💕
I hope OP reads your post and reconsiders, and also you somehow try to find yourself now

This is beyond heartbreaking. I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your time here

I am so sorry this happened to you and wish you all the best. No one should want this for their child.

Autism is genetic and tends to run in the family, its extremely likely that any subsequent child would also have autism and there is no saying that the next one would not be lower functioning or have an accompanying learning disability also. In this instance they would be of no help to your son. It’s a ridiculous idea.

I believe the likelihood is about 1 in 5 which is not extremely likely.

can people stop picking up the point that OP doesn’t want another child.
the post makes it clear they don’t want an actual child or even a person with their own mind.

they want to birth a ready made carer, not a child who might have their own choices or dare to dream of an independent life.

Please do not have a child you state clearly that you don't want, purely to obtain a free carer for your first DC.

Oh my God. Just no.
From someone with a child with ASD who will require 24 hour care and supervision for the rest of his life.

@CharlotteBog that’s not actually correct (if you are citing the cleveland clinic page, based on very old research).

The attached more recent research looked 2.5m individuals, identified just under 30,000 who were diagnosed as ASD. Of these, approx 14k had a first born older sibling on the spectrum amd 18k had a first born older cousin. So, JUST allowing for first born older siblings/first born cousins (ie excluding any younger, subsequent siblings) this is already a 46.6% or 60% incidence.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6708733/

Most families I know have more than one diagnosed child/family member. Other research (Swedish, 2014) also suggests that paternal age at conception is isgnificant, with incidence of ASD being 75% more likely where fathers are over 45 than than where they are in their 20s. OP’s first child was conceived when he was 33; he is now 40 so this risk increases. And of course, if 2nd child is male, there is an additional risk above being female (5x greater).

OP is unlikely to return to this thread, I suspect, but hope she reaches out to support agencies as I really think, for her, this is about the natural fear for her child and that counselling and support are her way forward.

Most families I know have more than one diagnosed child/family member. Other research (Swedish, 2014) also suggests that paternal age at conception is isgnificant, with incidence of ASD being 75% more likely where fathers are over 45 than than where they are in their 20s. OP’s first child was conceived when he was 33; he is now 40 so this risk increases. And of course, if 2nd child is male, there is an additional risk above being female (5x greater).

My father was 49 when I was conceived, his second child. Have never been officially diagnosed with ASD or ADHD but suspect I have both.

This is beyond unfair, please do not do this. This is not a reason to bring a child into this world! If you did this, there is no guarantee that the second child would not also be disabled- potentially even more so! It would also not be their responsibility so they would have every right to say that he is not their problem!

Their childhood will already be drastically affected by their brother's needs, it is utterly unreasonable to make a whole new person condemning them to being a life long carer!

My eldest has significant extra needs ASD + MH + physical health. I do NOT expect his siblings to provide on going care as he can be a nightmare and frankly they are all in the selection box of neurodiversity. TBH another child could have even more problems than your son currently has as it’s impossible to control the roll of the genetic dice.

Instead of expecting siblings to care for brother I made an appointment with an independent financial advisor to help future plan and also a very good solicitor from a very reputable firm to set up a trust fund for said son. The trust fund was set up with the legal firm overseeing my son’s interests when we are unable to. It might be worth exploring something similar . Mencap have this on their website as a start point. https://www.mencap.org.uk/advice-and-support/wills-and-trusts/wills-and-trusts-frequently-asked-questions I also fought tooth and nail to access supported living for him whilst I am still alive. He has thrived in his support towards independence set up. There are options out there but they are difficult to access for under 25s

Your other child may be ASD too. It is genetic so every chance it could be. YABU unless you want another child but not as a backup carer for your son.

That was incredibly selfish of your mum ,my youngest son is severely autistic and non verbal etc, I have always told my oldest son that he has his own life to live and that he is not and never will be his brothers carer ,I want my youngest son to live somewhere where he will be fully supported by professional, s
My oldest son does love his brother so I think he would visit him ,but only in the capacity of being his brother ..

This is very sad. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Hi OP, I do understand why you're worried about thr future for your son. I have two children with ASD and other needs and it is very worrying.

My advice would be to seek out groups in your local area for kids with ALN and go along. One local to us has outings and events and it's a pay as you go set up. You will make friends and your son might too.

Contact the National Autistic Society and see what they offer locally in terms of groups etc.
See what specialist provision there is for secondary school. My son has made massive progress in an ASD unit attached to a mainstream school. They do a lot of work about life skills as well as the academic stuff.
In 5 years things may look very different.

Thank you @Serrina

Massively unreasonable I think, don't have a child to be the carer of another child it wouldn't be fair plus how do you know the child wouldn't also have ASD?

Neurodiversity is hereditary. It’s highly likely any new siblings will also be ND

@Whattodo14

There was a movie with Cameron Diaz in which she played a mother of the child with leukemia.
they conceived another to be the perfect donor to said child. The story goes on to show that the donor child took them to court for medical emancipation.

it was a very harrowing movie to watch - i was in tears in a plane from start to finish with my own two babies asleep next to me. But a fantastic movie in which i learnt a lot.

the moral of the story. You NEVER EVER bring a child in this world to fulfil a predetermined role.

if you do so, you re being very cruel. and since you dont want another child, it would also makes you a monster.
i am very sorry to say.