To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

YABU.

I ended up having to care for my ASD brother after our mum died. He lives an hour away, I work full time, and frankly resent every minute because he isn’t a nice person.

I didn’t birth him so I shouldn’t be responsible for him.

Find another solution.

My son was only just starting with baby babble at age 6 1/2, the paediatrician knew he had autism at 9 months however they couldn’t diagnose him officially that young, they just said we know what we’re dealing with even if we can’t officially say it. He’s been in full time SEN education since age 2 as his needs were so severe, he’s on his 3rd SEN school. HOWEVER now he’s 11 he’s a completely different child, we didn’t think he’s ever talk, socialise, be toilet trained etc & he’s doing incredible. He’s come on so much that I think he’ll be able to live independently now with some support. I wouldn’t ever consider having another child to look out for him, I know too many people that have had more children & they’ve been ever more severely autistic than the first. A friend from school has 4 children, each one more severe than than the previous one. I haven’t met many mums from school that only have one autistic child so you could have another child that needs more support than your current one. You’re best getting EHCP in place etc & building on that support as they get older rather than having another child to be a carer

A younger child is not a parent or carer. What an awful idea, i hope you realise that.

There is every chance your son will be a ‘nice person’ when grown, same chance as anyone else.

I’d go for a sibling. Yes they may have ASD too. They may not.

My ASD child has a sibling and if they didn’t then I’d try for one. Same if they were neurotypical. As I believe having a sibling is a good thing, at least it has been from my experience. Especially when extended family is small.

Your son sounds high functioning if you will but needs a little support and guidance emotionally. Any younger sibling would not necessarily resent doing this and it would be their choice at the end of the day.

does he like babies?!

ASD is genetic - there is a strong likelihood that you will probably have another child on the spectrum, this child could be similar to your DS or could even have more severe needs. There is also a good chance that either you or your DH is autistic and you just don’t realise it yet ☺️

I know you are coming from a place of concern but I think YABU.

1.) your second child might also be born with ASD
2.) your second child might not want anything to do with their older sibling. it’s 100% not a guarantee that they would be there for him.
3.) first hand experience, my cousin who has an older brother with autism resents his parents for making him care for him. He has now moved to another country to avoid this.

No no no no no! That would be terrible. The second child would likely resent the burden if they were made aware of it and there’s no guarantee they’d get on or that they would choose to stay and take responsibility for your DC1. What happens if you have another autistic child? Possibly more autistic? We are a ND family - all AuDHD or autistic, and I can honestly say there’s not a chance I could live my own life as a wife, mother and individual whilst at the same time manage caring/being responsible for a sibling with additional needs (as it happens I’m an only child). It would be a lot to ask of a NT person. If you want a second child, have a second child because you want one and you’ll love them for who they are. But don’t put that pressure on them.

Edited for typos.

Neither of you want another child, so yes, I think you would be massively unreasonable to have one for the purpose of looking after your older child in later life. I also think you are,probably deliberately, minimising the amount of care that you would expect them to give. On the one hand you say that you just want your son to have someone to care for him and look in on him occasionally, but on the other hand you talk about him barely being able to manage independently, not being financially aware, not feeling safe to go to the shops on his own – there’s no way that a sibling occasionally popping in for a visit or a call is going to make any difference to that level of need.

other people have asked what if your second child also has ASD or another ND condition? What if he or she grows up and wants to study or live or work in the US or Australia or even another European country? Are they going to have to live with your disapproval and their guilt because they are not available for sibling care? What happens when they get married and their spouse resents the amount of time they are caring and gives them an ultimatum?

Go for it but they may not like each other then what.

It's surprising how commonly this happens. There are lots of disabled adults out there whose siblings want nothing to do with them.

OP, you'd be wiser to calculate how much a second child would cost you over the course of 18 years, and then to invest that money for your existing child's future.

As others have probably already said, you’d make a child a young carer from an early age. This can have a massive effect on a child,
not least their own academic and emotional well being.

They might not get on though. Or the younger sibling might just not have the kind of temperament to do this or to care. Or they might have an equal or greater disability.

You're making so many dangerous assumptions here.

I have an older brother with a disability but frankly I won't do anything for him when he is older because we are very distant and don't really have a relationship. Once my parents have passed a way we won't really have any contact and I'm just not that interested - there's not much love there.

That's the way things go sometimes - you are really silly to assume that your younger child will care for/ check in on your older child.

You should only have another child if you actually want another child.

Your son sounds like my eldest but my eldest is also struggling academically. There’s no way we think of our youngest as looking after her. They’re just different and unique and love each other and provide company. Some of these responses are wild and as if you have a severely disabled child who needs round the clock care.

Yet Jimmy Prout had seven siblings.....

@Whattodo14
So Jimmy Prout had considerable special educational needs and was neglected by multiple people, including family members (and yes a brother/sibling) who did not step up and your DS has you on side for probably at least another 40 years.

I understand your fear, but I think you need some counselling and support as you navigate this. Atm you suggest your son is academical bright but emotionally immature: mine are too and this causes issues as there is a dissonance between what they understand intellectually and their emotional response. Friendships/conflict is a particular area that has cause huge issues and it’s the social development my kids have really needed significant support with.

It’s hard but you can support your son and help him by being a more confident parent and support from people at the NAS (they run parenting courses, have a support network, plus courses or ASD/AuDHD children and young people covering things like money management, social interactions etc), they can also support you through getting him disability allowance/PIP and additional social care should he need it in the future.

At the moment you are stuck in ‘worst case scenario’ panic, catastrophising if you will. And I can understand that too - you get a diagnosis but no caseworker (I was appalled to realise this after my first child’s diagnosis) - so I think you need to reach out and find people to talk to who share/shared your fears for their own children and have started putting things in place to support them and alleviate the stress and anxiety that naturally surrounds this.

What an utterly bizarre way of looking at your life.

The OP has said she doesn’t actually want another child. Is your advice still to go for a sibling in spite of this?

One of my school pals had an older sister with autism. The sister with ASD never attended school.

There was an expectation that my school pal or her youngest sister would step up.

The father died. The youngest girl became unwell. My school pal developed a rare cancer.

The mother finally agreed to place the eldest in an assisted living facility and she was as happy as Larry there - being allowed the autonomy to choose her room decor, for example.

My school pal died when she was only in her 40s.

Make arrangements for your child now, OP. If you do have another child, that's great - but don't expect them to be your first child's carer.

This is awful to read!

YABU. Who's to say your other child won't also be autistic or have other SN?

I have 2 boys with asd and my youngest who doesn’t. I put this question to my youngest - 16, very levelheaded, fair and kind.

He said “oh hell NO”. He deserves his own life as he wants to live it

Wanting to protect your child is a good plan. This plan is not.

If you have assets maybe speak with a financial advisor about how to best structure your affairs so that your child can receive more support in adulthood if they need it and you can no longer provide

Just being on call is awful

I attended a seminar with a lady who felt her career was blocked due to the constant bloody worry of being on call for a sibling

I cut mine short for my mum. It's my decision....you seem to be creating a child for that reason. How terrible.

My first son sounds a little like your son (diagnosis of ASD).

He’ll very likely to be able to live independently and work etc.

When I was pregnant with my second son I thought it might be nice for DS1 To have someone to look out for him.

Second son is also autistic, needs specialist school, still in nappies at 6. No one knows what the future holds but it won’t involve the younger looking out for the older.

The only reason to have children is that you WANT them in and of themselves.

@bookworm14 that’s a very good point and I think my answer to that would be, if OP and partner all things considered decide they do in fact want another child even if just for the reasons given, then my advice would remain the same. Assuming they both were committed to providing the same care and love to this new child, and ok with the fact that their attentions would need to be shared by the two children.