To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

Our brother doesn't have some of the problems your DS has; since our mother's death, my sister and I have been heavily involved in our brother's life. It is an absolute pain, because he wants to be left alone to get on with life, but doesn't have the skills or intelligence to do that. We have to do so much because he can't, we never get any thanks, he just thinks things happen.
And there are 2 of us to support each other. I would hate to be on my own trying to support him.

Wow. What in the "my sisters keeper" am I reading here?

Do you not have a shred of decency? What a terrible thing to even contemplate.

Yes you are being unreasonable although I understand your fears. My son is severely autistic, non verbal, severe learning disabilities, epilepsy, ocd and challenging behaviour. He is an adult and I have two other young adult children and an older daughter. We’ve spent the last few years making lots of plans, setting up a discretionary trust and getting him settled in an amazing residential placement. I do not want my younger children to have to deal with all this when we are gone or have to care for him full time. They absolutely adore their brother and I know they’ll look out for him. I constantly feel guilty that their lives have been so different to other kids growing up . Not worse but different. It’s a huge thing to expect siblings to take on the role of carer. You have lots of time and he’s still very young , things will change as he gets older .

Yes, that's very true. My GD has quite severe ASD and ADHD from her birth mother taking drugs during pregnancy. Her ADHD 'moderate to severe' and is controlled by drugs.

The OP says her son's ADHD is 'mild to moderate,' so given time and the right support, he should develop and be able to live comfortably with it. I certainly wouldn't dismiss the use of drugs if these are advised. It was transformational with my GD, enabling her to concentrate and, as she puts it now, they 'make my head shut up and give me some peace.' Her biggest problem is how exhausting she finds it as a ND person having to live in a NT world.

The thing to remember is that what can seen insuperable when a child is younger (and kids with ADHD can be very, very hard work) improves as the child matures, though this can take longer than for a NT kid. There shouldn't be any need for a carer, judging by what the OP has said. Some people with ASD, for example, cannot live independent lives. Mild to moderate ADHD shouldn't be a barrier to that.

Absolutely not, how unfair to the other child, plus since you already have a child with ASD there’s a high possibility that another child will too.

I have 2. both have ASD. oldest is low functioning, younger one HF. oldest needs a lot of help and support and younger one developed severe MH issues as a result and was suicidal for a long time... Guess what I am trying to say. Bad idea. Also, caring for someone with ASD can be hard work. Don't bring a child into this world to just expect them to be a carer. It won't end well.... and then there is the increased risk of having another one with ASD. have you considered this? how many more do you plan to pop out in that case to create a group of carers....

This is the stupidest idea I have heard in a while.

Forget reasonable....that's really, deeply unethical. I'm quite shocked, and I don't think I'm shocked very easily.

Not to mention the practical issues PP have referred to.

Fucking hell, are you for real?

OP please don't do this; it would not end well or even remotely close to what you envisage. If I were in that 2nd child's shoes, the moment I found out the reason/purpose for my being born, my sole mission from that point on would be planning how and when I could emigrate as far away as possible, assuming I myself did not have similar needs which a 2nd child may well do.

I get your concerns but this is not the solution. What you need to be doing is your own planning and preparing for your son's future. There are organisations that can assist with this type of thing from life management to financial planning and they can adapt any arrangements as the child grows up and his adult needs are clearer. They are trained to assist your son live as independently as possible as an adult, providing the support he needs.

This is not a task you can dump on a sibling; you cannot give birth to a free carer. Your son is YOUR responsibility, not that of an imaginary 2nd child. You need to be taking other more appropriate sensible practical steps now and get arrangements in place over the coming years with people who know how to do this.

No, don't have another child (that you admit you don't even want) just so your existing child will have someone to lean on when you're dead.

Firstly, your child is only seven years old and only has 'mild to moderate' ASD with no learning disability. You don't have any idea how capable he'll be as an adult. He might be (and I think this is likely) completely independent.

Secondly, what if your imagined second child also has ASD? It's very common for it to run in families. If you have another child who has the same issues as your son - or more severe issues - what are you going to do? Throw it back? Just keep having kids until you finally get one that you trust with the burden of caring for the others one day?

Thirdly, it is absolutely AWFUL to have a child with the expectation that they will shoulder the responsibility of another child (or a parent, or anyone else). What if your second child and your older child really dislike each other? What if your younger child doesn't actually want to be on call at all times for another adult they didn't choose to be related to? What if your older child doesn't actually want a close relationship with a younger sibling and doesn't want to call them up for help?

Dreadful idea.

So much great advice on this thread, thank you. I have been having images in my head of my son in his 30s or 40s being stuck in a flat somewhere, unable to know that he can go to the shops and get food and just having no quality of life and no one visiting him and it hurts my heart and makes me feel guilty for even having him.

Like everyone else here, youre being massively unreasonable, Chances are even if you to pregnant in the morning, with a 8 year age gap, they are unlikely to be very close, your second child could also have asd and finally its just morally wrong to have a child you dont want to act as a carer to your first, in every possible way, this is wrong,

Unreasonable and grossly unfair

I’ve replied with my thoughts on another child but wanted to add that I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes when my son was younger the fear of what’s going to happen when we aren’t around literally took over my life. It’s all I could think about . It was a really rough few years. He’s 25 now and although he’s been settled for a year in the most amazing place he is constantly on my mind. If the phone rings my heart drops into my boots every time imagining something has happened to him. However he’s very happy, I know that because he’s always happy to go back after being home for a visit. At the end of the day loads can change as our kids grow. . There is no way to know what the future holds so try to take it one day at a time focusing on what you can do for him now. Make sure you’re well versed on all education matters, therapies etc and concentrate on doing the very best you can for him to help him in the future. I won’t say try to stop worrying because I know that’s not possible x

You should read up on the stories of people who were born for this reason ‐ hear them explain in their own words

Or even worse ending up homeless as he doesn't realize he has to pay bills and/or being taken advantage of by people.
There is an awful case that happened in England and it haunts me about a man who had learning disabilities and he was taken in by these people who pretended to be his friends and they ended up taking all his DLA money and tortured him and eventually killed him.

I understand your worry OP believe me, but how do you know his sibling will not also have ASD?
You could end up making life more difficult for all of you.

Jimmy Prout was the name of the poor man who was killed and obviously noone was looking out for him

I actually think it's a good idea. But I think a lot of people are thinking of it in the wrong way. I wouldn't consider it as having a child who is destined to be their brothers carer. Why do most people have more than one child? I think a huge motivation is to create a supportive family structure....I'd view it more as that. My parents died young and we have a small family. Thank heavens I have a sister.

It has mostly been said by posters already, but I wanted to add my experience.

I am the disabled person whose sibling was told (I've never been sure by who) that I would be her responsibility one day.

She didn't want it

The consequence?

She has relentlessly bullied me in every conceivable way all my life. Even after being told that the last thing I would want is any support from her whatsoever.

I really don't hate anyone more than her. I am practically NC and will be fully NC when my DM dies.

Don't do it.

Focus your energy and finances and resources on helping your son you have. There’s no guarantee a sibling will “check in”.