To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

Geneti doesn't always mean what people think it does yes it can run in some families but not all, my son has a rare chromosome deletion which is thought to be the underlying cause of his complex disabilities, so it's genetic ,however in his case the deletion is De novo ,and neither myself or DH or our older son have autism.

YABU. Your other child will grow up to be an independent human with their life, needs and wants. They might not want to take care of their sibling.

My friend has a sibling with ASD and she couldn't take care of him even if she wanted to because she moved to a whole other continent!

Agree with @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

Spend your time and money supporting your child into their future and not creating another child to be their domestic servant!

Terrible idea, OP. Not fair to have a second child so that they can be a carer for the first, and it may well backfire in any case if number 2 turns out to be autistic as well. Or if they have some other disability.

Have you never seen My Sister's Keeper? Same thing. You'd be having a child with the pure motivation to save your other child. It's a crap way for them to grow up, and far too much to put on their shoulders.

The best thing to do would be to make sure you put a plan in place for after you're gone, try and get him settled living apart from you well in advance - assisted living or a care facility if needed.

Please think very very carefully about this approach.

My two youngest children both have additional needs. So having another doesn't guarantee this. I am living proof🙋‍♀️

Stopped reading as soon as you said ‘we don’t want another child’

then absolutely do not have a baby

What if the next child has even more severe needs? Will you keep on having children until you get one that you can designate as the carer for the others?

I absolutely wouldn’t even consider it.

I’m 28 and my mums just suddenly died at 57 so I’ve had to take on care of my younger sister with learning disabilities. I’m a single mum, a nurse and whilst I don’t resent it as she’s my sister, it’s still a lot. Even if they wouldn’t become carer like me, checking in is still added pressure and guilt on a child whether they’re a young adult or older

I personally think it’s unfair to have further children if you’re aware existing children have such disabilities that will prevent them living independently in the future. It can put a terrible pressure on the NT sibling even if parents think it won’t. There’s a thread running on Elderly Parents at the moment which details the dilemma of the OP dealing with her aging parents and her severely disabled brother.

Appreciate a lot of disabilities do not present until siblings have been conceived or born tho.

How do think the 2nd child would feel when they realise their sole purpose in life is to care for their brother? You really shouldn't have another child. Children aren't staff

It sounds like you are desperately worried for your dc's future. That isn't uncommon for parents with dc who have significant disabilities.
But growing a carer isn't a sensible solution for this worry for all the reasons people have already outlined.
Try and build support systems for him over the next couple of decades. He is likely to change and grow as well over time.

I haven’t read the whole thread because I think it’s going to be very repetitive.

I think you would be unreasonable to have another child just to become a career for your son. Not much of a life plan for them is it? And there is no guarantee they would oblige. I certainly hope you wouldn’t try to make them feel it was their duty. But I suppose you would have to do that to ensure they served their purpose and didn’t go off and live their own life.

But I do understand how you’ve gone down that thought path. It must be truly horrible to worry what will become of him without your support.

I think the best you can do is set up hefty life assurance policies in trust for him so that money is available for his care under the supervision of trustees who will manage the fund and his needs.

I have two children, both Autistic, the younger much harder work than the older one.

My 10 year-old drives himself crazy trying to look after the youngest, we tell him constantly he doesn't have to and it's not his place but he can't help it.

I wanted two children, I'm very glad that they are usually best friends and have each other in that sense but I would never expect one to care for the other and I would definitely not have more in the hope the next isn't disabled and can check in on the others

Perhaps look into using the money you would spend on a second child into putting into place a plan or structure for your existing child as they become an adult so you are reassured they are supported when you can no longer be there. Like assisted living or commercial carer/support worker.

I've heard it all now!

I can understand the concern, though not in putting that on another child.

Would joining a social organisation that he or you all can be part of that also does welfare checks so he makes those connections and the support is available like The Oddfellows?

There are also ways to set up trusts and insurance with wills so it can pay for home help check-in visits, though - in my experience as a disabled adult with autistic kids - getting the home help in sooner than you think does help everyone get used to it. It can be really rough to lose someone important that you rely on and then have to deal with new people and routines.

Please don't. My friends brother was disabled and she felt such huge guilt and responsibility, it has impacted her life negatively for decades.

She absolutely lived her own life but felt guilt at leaving him behind when she moved 250 miles away for example.

You can't breed a carer.

Fucking hell

…and emigrate to the other side of world!

My oldest dc has asd and adhd and he has a sibling. I didn't have another baby for younger dc to look after the older dc. I had another baby because I wasn't an only child and I didnt want DC to be either but your line of we don't want another child is telling. Why bring another baby into the mix if deep down you don't want to

What a terrible burden to put upon your future child. It’s up there with knowing you were conceived to be genetically compatible to provide spare organs or TCells for a sick child. Imagine growing up knowing that this was the only reason you exist. What if this fictitious child is also SN? (Chances are quite high). What if they’re not and they resent being forced to “include” their older sibling in everything? It happens… You would do better to research care available and shore up your insurance/pensions to account for that.

This pretty much happened to one of my DS school friends - her older sibling was servery disabled due to birth injury lack of oxygen which should have been picked up.

DSis friends was pg at 16 and chucked out the house by her parents - luckily her bloke stuck around. Her parents never helped her - even when life got hard - two kids very ill partner - no help - even after his death. She said looking back in her childhood she was always not bothered with. Parents had to make alternative arrangements for long term care in end for their eldest anyway as DSis friend ended up NC.

So no if you don't want another child it really isn't fair to have one -and it's even less fair to place expectations about sibling care on them - I can get hoping they'll want to help but expecting it not really not fair.

You can't bring another person into the world to raise as a carer/guardian for your first child.

Imagine growing up knowing that's why your parents had bothered having you!

What if they don't want to?
What if they don't want you in their life when they are an adult because they figured out why you had them?
What if they also have autism (because it's genetic) and are more severely impacted by it than your elderly child - will you have a third and fourth to raise to care for them?

Better to start a savings account for your older child to help them and start work now on getting all assessments done and plans in place