To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

He 7 - you've got another decade to teach him these things to work towards him being able to be independent - and probably years afterwards to offer support to get him there.

Plus if it looks like he won't be able to do this - to find alternatives so he is safe.

He also has plenty of time to improve in areas he is currently lagging behind in. The time and energy you are spending catastrophizing about the decades away future may well be better spent figuring out how to support him now and develop the needed skills.

They do change and while they may be slower developing some skills it doesn't mean they never will. Having another child would take your time and focus from him and it does sound like he needs and will for a while a lot of support.

@Comedycook my friend is the most caring individual I know but she attempted suicide due to how her life had to revolve around her profoundly ASD sibling since she was young. You have to try it before you say it sounds like a good idea

I agree. OP what if your second child needs even more help? It sounds incredibly hard.
YABVU
I can only hope these are your own musings and you won't go ahead. I feel sorry for your 2nd child if you do.

Our brother has a Local Authority appointee who looks after her s money. That was a step too far us. She pays all of his bills for him, and gets a weekly allowance, which he can spend on whatever he wants.

Is this a joke?

Please do not do this.

In the kindest possible way, your job as (hopefully) an adult is to contain your own fear, guilt and anxiety, not put that on a child to do that for you. When you use another human being (especially a vulnerable, dependent, powerless one) as an outlet for your relief/release; there is a word for that.

The lifetime cost of raising a child in the UK is between £150,000 - £200,000.
Save this money for any care your DC needs when the time comes.

Massively unreasonable.

Don't even consider it.

You don't want another child.

Don't bring another child into this world who isn't wanted and exists to be a carer for their older brother when older.

Imagine they knew this? Dreadful.

You might not ever say it, but they'd know 100%. They'd know they were unwanted.

Do not do this.

Plan for your son's care in the event of your deaths.

Jimmy Prout had at least one sibling. Still no one looked out for him.

OP - I think people are being a bit rude in some of their replies. I suspect you are putting an idea out there, which you already know is not a good one, from a place of fear. I have many sleepless nights worrying about my ASD son and how he'll cope when we aren't here. But I also worry about his older sister, and I don't want her life curtailed or affected by caring responsibilities. If she can just ensure she checks in on his bday and Xmas that's all I expect. She loves him so I do t think that's too much to ask. I'm concentrating on teaching life skills and researching things like supported living. Our children learn in their own time and you just have to hope for the best!

I'm thinking of the Sarah character in Love Actually who misses out on her own relationship because of her caring for her brother.

No but what the ops proposing is actually something people do all the time. People have multiple children and big families to create a network of people who can rely on and support each other. It's literally why humans have families.

If your sons autism is genetic, which it usually is, you risk one being further along the spectrum, who might need more care than your son

You could have 2 to worry over their futures. So no, bit of a rubbish idea. What you probably to do is make sure his future is secure etc. That he has a home to inherit and develop as many skills as possible.

Hi OP
i am in the same boat, my son is nearly 9 and has autism. Mild i would say in that he can speak and goes to mainstream school. But development wise he is delayed, in Y3 and is only on Y1 curriculum, has an ECHP and a 1-1 TA at school. I was one and done however got really worried about what would happen as we don’t have much family either and both me and his dad are only children. In the end we had a second child, she was 2 in January this year. Its hard but i’m glad we had her and whilst they have their moments they genuinely love each other, so i hope she will look after him in the future if needed

OP, I understand where you are coming from but I don't think it is a good idea.

"Supportive family structures", as someone called them above, are great. You don't really hear about them as much as the dysfunctional family structures on MN, but when they work, family members gain practically and emotionally from them and have someone else (who is "theirs" and not paid to do it) looking out for them. In all the arguments around only children/should we have a second child, this point is sometimes ignored because of course you can't be sure it will work out. But functional, loving sibling relationships enhance lives imo.

But it needs to be a relationship of equals, at least to some extent, or the burden for looking after the perceived less capable family member needs to be much more widely spread than just placed on one child. So I think this worked in the past when people had families of 5, 6, 7 or more children. My father grew up in a rural Scottish family of five children, and his father was one of 13, and certainly there was more than one cousin who was viewed as a bit odd or wasn't "right" (as they said back then as there wasn't any other terminology and also limited understanding) and they were looked after by the family to the best of their ability and supported. And it did prevent them from being isolated. But it was a totally different time and a much less pressured way of life.

If you have a second child, it must be because you want them and you are prepared to invest as much in them as you do in your existing child. They might grow up to have a close and loving relationship with their older sibling, but they might also be a completely different personality who goes their own way and doesn't see him much. You need to be fine with this. If you don't have the enthusiasm or energy to go through parenting a baby and young child again for their own sake, it is a bad idea.

What if he is it too and is worse ..

I have a child with Sn and I won't make my dd be his carer . Hopefully she will make sure he is ok but not anything beyond that . I'll make sure he has what he needs .

I get your worry but this is not the solution

I agree with this, though I understand it's an unpopular perspective on MN.

AKA a carer.

I understand your worries but PLEASE DONT have more children.

1. They are likely to be autistic as well. Autism is often genetic. You are even older now as well which makes autism and genetic disorders more likely.
2. Totally unfair on your hypothetical 2nd child. You cannot burden them with responsibility for their older disabled sibling.

It is very frightening.
Both my sons have autism and the younger also has ADHD.

There is no denying the future is scary but this is not the answer.

You have to get everything planned as early as possible and keep it continually updated as he gets older. Mine are in their 20s now and we've had plans we've updated annually since our oldest was 5.

YABU. I have an older brother with a learning disability and although I love him and help my Mum whenever I can I still remember the anger I felt when my Nan told me she was glad I was born a girl because 'brother would have someone to look after him'.

Never mind the fact he already had an older brother, as the only girl that responsibility was put on my shoulders from the day I was born.

I have one DD13 with mild/moderate ASD. We have been on a journey to get here. 15 years ago no-one in our family had any diagnosis apart from oddly antisocial and rude (= me), badly behaved and rude (my cousion) and couldn't find her own head (my sister). Since my sister had her daughter and we learned about ND we have found:
I am ASD, our cousin also. My sister is ADHD. Quite likely our dad also.
My Niece has ADHD / ASD quite significantly (she is now homeschooled and there is a question mark about how she will manage as an adult). My DD has ASD but is in mainstream and I would expect will cope in the world.

I'd query my boyfriend for a diagnosis but he was badly beaten as a child into being normal so he masks wonderfully most of the time.

We worry about the future four our kids - doesn't everyone. As adults we are all pretty bright but I am the only one to make it through university (although I am probably not the brightest of the bunch). My cousin has a job that suits him, one good friend (all he needs) and a range of mildly obsessive hobbies). My sister and I are both full-time employed and have partners and ex-Husbands. We own houses and cars and have as many friends as we want (less than NT folks often have but as many as I can bloody cope with.. one!!)

Children with ASD change a lot during their teen years so there is no guarantee that your 7 year old won't end up with a degree, a house, a wife/husband, a dog and his own ND younglings... There is also no reason to think that if he ends up working what we be seen as a traditionally dead-end job, living in a flat and spending almost every hour of his free time training for or competing in Iron man competetions that he won't be wonderfully happy and fulfilled.

Don't have a kid to be your child's minder. My DD would HATE the disturbance of another child in the house. You will likely cause your DS real stress at the change upheaval, noise, smell etc.. of a baby in the hope that said baby will be NT and willing to check on a big brother who may not want or need to be checked on. Support your son to develop, grow and find his own brand of independance - it's all you can do.

So you want to produce a carer for your son? No that is 100% unfair. What would you do if the second child had ASD? Have a third? What if your hypothetical child grows up and wants to move to the other side of the world, would you stop it as that’s not what it was born to do?

If you’re concerned, start saving some money for him so that you would be able to employ someone to assist him or pay for a supported living situation if needed in the future.