To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

You need to start saving and making plans for the future. There is no guarantee your second child, if they don't have more severe needs, won't leave the country at 18 and never return

@nootropiccoffee my son is bright academically, in maths and spelling and reading has a great visual memory etc but very delayed emotionally, there are different types of intelligence.

As long as your current child has the right support, he will grow up well able to take care of himself. Foster his indepence, but be aware that it may take him longer to grow up. Don't worry. There's no need. My DGD has ASD and ADHD, and she is holding down a good job and living and working independently.

It would be a terrible idea of have another child you don't really want on the assumption they will be a carer.

Start building support structures, this might be support groups or long term hobbies and interests that he is drawn too. Make sure he knows how to find friendships and support. Look into financial planning and long term housing support. Make sure you are educated on his options and as he gets older make sure he is educated as well.

In parallel work on his skills and needs, some of this will become more obvious as he gets older. Just for now at 7 worry about building him up for secondary.

I get it - oh my god I get it - but you've got time to help him to live his own life

You can't be serious. Jesus Christ.

@nootropiccoffee we didn't get given the level of ASD he had , just that he has a diagnosis of ASD. I suppose he is more leaning toward moderate ASD.

I think that this is the most unreasonable AIBU that I have ever read on mumsnet.

If you were to have another child they would most likely pick up on being unwanted and would cut ties with the lot of you rather than accepting being born to serve.

OP I can understand your thinking, but ASD runs in families. Mine included. You could have another child with the exact same needs, or more serious needs. Or you could have a NT child who marries an Australian and emigrates to the other side of the world. Or one that resents you for ‘breeding a carer” and has MH issues as a result.

I think that your ds sounds like he will be ok. He’s only little right now. You can teach him the skills that he’s naturally missing. He’s bright, so (when he’s older) you need to teach him to perform analysis of why someone is advising him something. What do they have to gain? Is it their job? Etc etc. He can definitely learn things that would come naturally to a NT person. If he’s an only, he will be better off financially as he’ll inherit all of your assets.

im sure there are things you can put in place that would give him some security financially, but could also be protected from someone trying to screw him.

Since ASD is largely hereditary, there is a very strong likelihood you’d end up with 2 DC with ASD who need a lot of support and are not able to provide this for one another when you’re gone.

My sibling has 4 DC - 3 have severe ADHD and challenging behaviours and need 1:1 support in the classroom, and one has ASD and will probably not live independently. The DC fight so much they need to be kept apart from one another as much as possible.

From a practical side another child will take your resources both financially, physically and emotionally away from your existing son which isn't necessarily going to help him in the long run.

Children with autism don’t just fall out of the sky. The chances are that either you or your dh are autistic. So you’re quite likely to have another autistic child, possibly even one who needs more care than your son. I’m autistic and 3 of my 4 children also are. I don’t regret having them and we see the world our way and to some extent we live in a bubble.

If you want to have another child then do, but don’t do it for the wrong reasons.

That’s ok. One reason we had two DC was so they’d have a sibling for life.
We don’t have an extended family, so once me and DH die, our DC will have each other and their families if they meet a life partner and decide to have children, which is not guarenteed in life.

Exactly my thoughts.
I know of someone who made their second dc promise to look after their older disabled sibling.
Younger dc has been diagnosed with MS.

Me and my younger sibling didn’t speak for 7 years.

And if the other child hates him and cuts him off never to speak or see him again once the other child hits 18?

No. I have a special needs sister and a brother with severe mental health issues.
It has ruined my life feeling responsible for them. It's not fair on your child

Just because your grand daughter is independent doesn't mean everyone with autism and other Nd ,conditions will be ots a massive spectrum and it impacts everyone differently I appreciate you are trying to be positive but as the saying goes if you have metr one person with autism you have met one person with autism.

Exactly.

Don't do this. Please don't do this.

I think a better approach would be to save money up and find a way to set up funds that can be used to pay for support or to cover supported accommodation. Im not sure what the best way to do this would be, so Id talk a lawyer who specialises in things like trusts and preferably experienced in working with families supporting a person with disabilities. You could also look for support groups for families with Autistic kids on FB if you have that, find out what other's have done to create support for their kids.

Everything else aside you could have a second child that could also need support. All the families I know with Autistic children all the children are Autistic, mine are no exception to that. I like that, they all have that in common and I think it brings them together, but that's not what you're looking for and it is immeasurably harder having 3 Autistic kids rather than one. No one should ever have a child they don't want for their own self and that counts doubly when theirs an increased chance that child will have SEN.

Given that neurodivergent traits are often genetic, and in addition with your age, you are likely to have another child with sen.

My eldest has sen and my next child does, but it’s much more severe. My youngest is now also awaiting an autism assessment.

It’s a very realistic scenario that your child will be in a situation where they have a sibling with greater needs than they do.

Hi OP. My 6 year old has ASD also. Academically bright but emotionally/socially struggles massively. I have a nearly 3 years old as well who she does not get on with well at all. She struggles with the extra noise and having to share/compromise with a sibling. I think honestly she would have had a much easier time of it as an only child. Not that I regret my son for an instant and we do have nice moments too but just to say a sibling might cause difficulties that you wouldnt expect. The fact you don't want another would seal the deal for me.

Also, if you do have another child, you will hopefully come to love them as much as your existing child and if they don’t have sen (which is statistically unlikely) you might be fighting a separate battle to allow the to freely live their life without the burden of being a carer.

No no no. For all the very sound reasons explained on the thread. The only good reason for ever bringing a child into the world is because both parents want to nurture and raise a child. Not with any expectations or conditions about what that child should be.