Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

OP you sound absolutely vile. I hope your "partner" does the sensible thing and leaves you. You're not entitled to his savings or anything from him. It's not a partnership but it does sound like you're exploiting a vulnerable person.

As for you're "business", it sounds like it's time to get a paid job if you're relying solely on someone. I'm not surprised it's not doing well given the attitude you've demonstrated here. I'm guessing it's a craft / hobby business that you're refusing to give up as you enjoy the free time and you want someone to fund you.

OP, you seem quite immature from some of your responses here (boo hoo response was somewhat laughable as my 8 year old went through that stage.)

You say that you are his partner. But what do you do for him. Where is your input?
I live with my partner and children. He is a SAHD and honestly I can't imagine him being as needy as this.

You come across as if you are only with him for support.

What exactly have you done for yourself? Self employed or not, surely if your employment is not viable in keeping you able to eat then you should be looking for a new job. One with a stable income?

Have some decorum and sort yourself out. Yes we all need help from time to time but when it gets to the stage you are begging cos you have no heating then really you need to have a long hard think about what is not working! This is HIS money and he should choose what he wants to do with it. Why would he give away his retirement money for someone who questions whether it is abuse when he says no!

Agree.

And would your DP expect you to not to eat or have anywhere to live whilst you were finding this new job?

@Mochachoc Have you ever actually met this "acquaintance"? I say that because I dont see your relationship as a partnership. which country does he live in and what country are you in?? why cant you get a council house instead of paying astronomical private rents? can you answer a question without accusing people of being rude and insulting to you? is your child an young adult now? has your acquaintance ever been to your flat and have you ever been to his home?

Yes I did say that

When people were saying your job is like a hobby they were meaning that because it doesn’t pay enough. Could you get a paid job?

@Mochachoc somehow you have represented your situation in such a way that everyone's got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

Maybe start again explaining why you feel he should support you, rather than replying angrily to comments from people who don't understand.

(You aren't being discriminated against for not having children, it's more that having children prejudices women's success so they should get additional support from the DCs father. That doesn't apply to you here, that's all.)

Context really helps people understand, So can you clarify-
Were you well and coping financially when you met?
How often do you meet in person?
How long do you expect it will take before your business returns to its previous success?

At the moment your position doesn't make sense to people reading, so we must need more information to be able to advise more appropriately.

OP, he has funded you, time and time again. Let's face it, you're not in a partnership. You despise him and are using him for money.

Yes. He is being financially abused by you.

This sounds like one of those scams. Lonely, isolated rich person sends all their money to their partner who lives abroad, never can travel, never has any money, always some major crisis meaning they need money to bail them out (and then turns out to be a scammer in Grimsby).

OP if this is real, you need to look at UC and a new job

Come on now, this obviously isn’t true is it? If it was, you’d be absolutely loaded by now!

And you need to speak to the council housing team

It could be financial abuse. But you are the guilty one not him. He has been more than generous alresady and yet you expect still more money. Awful.

You don’t even seem to like him but you take his money? I can’t help feeling that you thought he would be a soft touch and you’re angry because he’s not. As others have said, it’s time to sort out your finances yourself and stop expecting him to subsidise your lifestyle.

I don't think I will bother trying to explain again/further

You should have been supported both emotionally and financially. What a disgraceful thing to happen to you. You were badly let down, and your ‘relationship’ was not worth the paper it was written on.

After four years I would have expected ops situation to crystallise into a marriage or living together. He also has the best of both worlds as I see it. He has a long term relationship and ops love and attention without committing to anything at all. It’s not all just one way. He isn’t offering her a reason to continue.

Op you need to get a good job. Take responsibility for your own finances and then find someone that truly loves you, and is willing to commit fully.

OP you need to pause your business if it’s not paying you enough to afford your basic living costs. It’s not your bf’s responsibility to keep subbing you. He’s clearly getting fed up with it, hence not always giving you what you’ve asked for. As everyone has said this isn’t financial abuse, you’re incredibly lucky he’s subbing you anyway as you don’t live together and he’s under no obligation to help. It probably puts him in a very awkward position when you’re constantly asking him, and it clearly can’t feel good for you either. Just because he’s lucky enough to be financially secure doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be doing everything possible to sort out your own financial responsibilities. If you were working 2 jobs and still struggling perhaps people would have more sympathy but it feels like you’re just relying on him to help other than looking at other ways of helping yourself. If he ended the relationship tomorrow then you’d have to sort it out yourself. If I was him I’d be ending the relationship as I’d hate to be constantly asked for money from someone I don’t even live with or have children with.

This is only a long-distance relationship
You are exploiting someone who is fortunate enough to be in a better position than many. Then you have the bare-arsed cheek to moan that he isn't giving you enough, an not when you need it.
Get you health and life sorted. Plenty of people are struggling with much less than you, with no sugar-daddy in a far-off country providing a money supply.
Disgusting attitude

I understand op. You have a long term relationship and he is letting you struggle.

What do you see as fair??

He gives you 6 months rent then a monthly allowance? Presumably using his assets to fund this as savings are gone? What do you actually expect?

I think you need to look at the long term plan here. You being self employed is currently not providing you with any financial stability or enough money to live. Is this likely to change? If not, you need to look at a different job and see what benefits you would be entitled to.

The six months rent you need. Are you expecting your DP to just give you this money or would you ask for a loan with a viable plan to pay it back?

To be frank you sound like a Nigerian scammer. I’d cut you off and refuse to give you any money unless it was a loan you repaid in a timely manner. Your partner isn’t a bankroll.

Here for the deletion message.

OP I very much understand self employment. I have run my own business for 25+ years. If it has not generated enough income to feed me, even for 6 months, then it would no longer be a business.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time at the moment but your boyfriend (that’s all he is. I have one too. We’ve lived together for 10 years but I don’t expect him to fund me) isn’t obliged to keep funding guy. He’s probably started wondering what he’s got himself into.