Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

You can’t ask for advice from MNet and then become aggressive when the posters don’t take your side, especially when you’re asking about financial abuse, when your situation quite clearly isn’t.

From reading your post it would appear that after 4.5 years you’re in a long distance relationship with a man who helps financially when he can, with what he has without any obligation to do so - that’s your choice! You never mention love once so it sounds a very transactional and convenient relationship. So maybe there’s more to consider?

Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to and have you reconsidered your career choices given your health issues? Is the relationship healthy and making you happy or just a means to an end?

The problem is self-employment isn't working for you. It's not bringing in a decent wage and it's not providing security. If you had been employed when you were sick you would've had sick leave.

I think you should do is get yourself a full-time job no matter what it is to get some security. It sounds so your boyfriend is totally fed up of giving you money. When he met you you were self-sufficient and that was obviously what attracted him.

You need some support to check you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to
You also need advice about housing and it might be you need to look at asking the council about their lists.
As others have said if your s/e doesn't provide enough money you need to reconsider your options.

You should stop taking money from this man though and consider your plans to pay him back.

Asking constantly for money is demeaning.
Your lack of understanding about him spending money on an expensive chainsaw whilst he's 'broke' ... He's not broke he just doesn't want to throw money at you anymore.

It's his money and he can do what he wants with it.

OP it's been quite a pile on this thread. So how about looking at it like this.
He clearly likes being independent and doesn't want to live with you etc. But is happy to give you some money but not in a free way, only in a contingent way when you ask or whatever.

You don't like how this makes you feel. You expect that a DP of 4.5 years would be in a more equal financial sharing partnership. You worry about abuse. You don't live near him and you've not mentioned about the rest of the relationship? Do you love him ? Do you want to be together living miles apart for the rest of your life?

Frankly this relationship does not sound right for you. I appreciate that you are in a tough place financially and that sounds very challenging for you. However it doesn't seem that you love this man and that he loves and is committed to you. So hopefully you can find the deposit and move flat and then I suggest you try to build a relationship with someone who has a similar outlook to you.

Him not giving you everything you want really isn't financial abuse, OP.

He is protecting his assets- as he should!
He owes you nothing...Sounds like you are after his money.

He's right to be very wary...You are a long distance 'girlfriend'..

@Mochachoc you are clearly angry and feeling hurt. I would like to understand why and you might get more useful and sympathetic replies if you explain.

What is your part in the equal relationship? He has provided you with financial support and I assume you provide him with support of a different kind?

I can’t see where you have mentioned how far the distance is and what your level of contact is? Do you visit him regularly and provide him with support in looking after his home or himself?

Do you talk regularly and take on the role of giving him emotional support?

Do you feel that he is a drain on you in ways (not financial) that you earn compensation for?

For example, do you go to his house every weekend and holiday, clean it, do the garden and sort out all his life admin, then provide constant emotional support via phone? If that were the case then maybe him helping you financially from time to time is a fair exchange? Maybe?

You aren't coming across well OP, 4.5 years is nothing, especially when not even living together. He owes you nothing and has been incredibly generous so far. Just because you see his wealth doesn't mean he isn't beginning to feel worried about his finances if he has been giving away lots to you- which it sounds like he has. As you say, he stopped you being homeless and has given you money to help therefore, it isn't financial abuse. He could have left you to become homeless. Still wouldn't be abuse. You are not his responsibility. If you aren't happy and feel abused, leave.

And i Agree. It sounds like you despise the man. You suspect he’s controlling. You think he’s financially abusive. You call him a man child. Why are you with him?

anyway, after reading your spiteful comments about child benefit, I’m out.

I'm not going to get into adding any more criticism here but consider these options.
Forget about the self employed dream, you're not self employed as whatever you do does not provide sufficient income, in fact if you can't afford to eat then what's the point- for goodness sake you are in your 40's - GET A JOB! Do what the rest of us do and start taking responsibility for yourself, this poor man isn't responsible for you and probably wondering why he got involved in the 1st place but too nice to end the relationship.
See if you are entitled to claim any benefits, work 2 jobs, anything to regain some self respect but forget your delusions about being self employed.
It will be hard but with determination, you can do it and in time, you will start feeling good about yourself. Trust me, long term, it will help your relationship too as it can't be much fun relying on your partner, you're not a child.

It's not that he's financially abusing you, or his intentions are not good. It sounds like he's just saying "no" to more money.
If he was taking YOUR money from you - this would be financial abuse.
I think being self employed may not be a great source of income for you. Are you managing to save for a pension?
Options I would say are - being a lodger, getting a lodger, getting an employed job.

She said she has health issues maybe that impacts on her work choices? But I think you need to check what benefits you can claim etc. You need to try to sort things without the guys involvement.

Can you at least explain why you feel entitled to his money? What about, what would you be doing about your finances if you'd never met him?

I'm a single woman with no kids, and run my own business which has suffered lately with ill health (sepsis, if you must know). So as far as I can see we're in similar positions. I cannot fathom why you're treating him as an endless supply of free money though. And I don't understand why you're so bitter and resentful of him spending his own money?

Hey OP, just another person (woman, if that matters to you?) to say you are being completely and utterly unreasonable. Stand on your own two feet and leave this guy if he is such an asshole?

Yes I would say it's financial abuse, by you.
Why does he have to keep on constantly bailing you out?
It's his money, not yours.

There's nothing vulnerable about you OP, get yourself a feckin job and start taking some responsibility for yourself.

I am a woman. I’m a single mum. I run my own business.
You are an absolute sponger.

He is NOT financially abusive.

I hope he drops your ass like a hot potato and meet someone who appreciates him and don’t use him as a cash cow.

If I was him I’d rather be alone - he could probably aim higher than someone who scrounges him for his money

So, who will you leech off if you dump him?

No I don’t think you are being financially abused OP. You are in a relationship but not living together. If you were to apply for benefits he would not be classed as your partner. In fact I think you should look to seek support from the state if you cannot afford to live. Or seek paid employment. It is not your partner’s responsibility to support you financially. If you can’t manage it by yourself you need to seek help. What if he broke up with you tomorrow?

OP when this many people say yabu it gives a very strong indication that you are actually being unreasonable here.
I have read your replies which are very rude, immature and entitled, you're not putting yourself across in a good light at all. I think you need to re-read this thread in a few weeks time and really think about what your expectations are of him and how you're coming across to others. You're really not coming across very well at all. If I were him I would drop you like a hot cake and given your replies I would not want to engage in conversation with you due to your very poor attitude.

I think you need to forget about his money and what he may or not be able to help with. It is causing you a lot of upset.

I'd go to shelter and get advice about the landlord selling the property you're renting to see what help might be available for housing.

I'd be seriously considering getting a regular job, even if part time alongside your self employed work as they doesn't seem to be supporting you at the moment and maybe concentrate on building things up around paid work. Once you can regain a bit of financial independence on the basics you can look at your relationship again from a more more independent stand point and work out if you still want to be with him in a distance relationship.

As others have said, it is nice think someone wants to help you in tough times but you can't expect it and you need to do as much towards helping yourself as possible rather than asking him for help, especially if there is no end in sight to things changing.

Why don't you leave him.
You are financially abusing HIM.
I hope he realizes he is better off without a sponger like you.

Any plans to repay him??

Talk to the council because you are being made homeless they will prioritise finding you accommodations. Sort out some kind of top up payments benefits because your business clearly can't support you at the moment

Disengage from the boyfriend it really isn't a healthy relationship.

Kindly Op I think previous posters have been right even though it seems harsh. I think you need to consider how you can support yourself going forward. I can understand him helping you occasionally but if this is an ongoing situation you need to look at your own income and expenses.