Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

You sound entitled.

Since he hasn't made a commitment to you, you don't live together and it's long distance, whatever you might feel, this man doesn't have a responsibility to keep you. You will need to manage your own basic expenses until that changes. And even if it does, how many women are honestly kept these days? Most married women work and cover their own basics.

Him having a lot of money seems to annoy you so I don't think you are compatible from what you've said here.

You don’t live together, you aren’t married, he isn’t asking you for any money.

Him not giving you money is not financial abuse. It’s ridiculous that you would even think so.

I’m really sorry for your troubles, it sounds extraordinary stressful but he has no financial responsibility for you at all. He sounds like he’s already helped you out a lot.

If you think you’re being financially abused, break up with him, get a job that can support yourself and find someone else. You’re not coming across well at all.

Op - gently - what would you do if he broke off the relationship with you today?

Even after 4 years he has no legal (or moral) obligation to you, he could simply walk away and you would have to manage somehow.

Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to?
Can you go full time into a job that will actually pay your bills?
Can you downsize your home to one you can afford to run?

You literally have zero ties to each other (other than dependence on his handouts), if he walked away, or God forbid died, you'd have to find a way to manage independently.

No, i'm not. I started working my first job whilst still at school (as i'm sure every other person on here did as well), had 3 jobs on leaving school - One full time, one evenings and one weekends, as well as being self-employed and running my own business from age 17, in addition to PAYE employment.

I don’t understand why your asking. as your been given opinions and are being incredibly rude.

in sorry your struggling but it’s not up to anyone including a long distance boyfriend to help you out.

financial abuse is when your begin controlled by your spouse. This is just your Boyfriend trying to set some boundaries.

I'm embarrassed for you.

@Mochachoc so basically, you are asking us if YOU are financially abusing YOUR partner? if that is the case then you are a chancer!!!! He is not a financial abuser. he has been very generous to you/ you have become financially reliant on him and expect him to bail you out at every opportunity!! try cutting your cloth!

I think because he has no family you see his assets as yours.

But he doesn’t see it that way, so look into what benefits you’re entitled to.

I’m really sorry to say this, but you’re actually the one who’s coming across as selfish, greedy, controlling and demeaning. You’re treating this man as a cash cow.
What exactly do you mean by ‘long distance relationship’? Did you meet him online? Do you ever meet up in person?

I agree, this doesn't seem real. OP only wants to argue with folk, no responses to sensible questions like 'are you claiming all you're entitled to' or suggestions that the idea of financial abuse is irrelevant, this relationship does not appear to be healthy or successful long term.

Op, without getting sucked into the debate others are having with you, could you possibly move in with him temporarily until you are back on your feet and can afford rent again etc? I think asking him for money to pay 6 months rent and then possibly needing more money to live /bills each month isn't a practical solution. Have you looked into claiming benefits?

I think regardless of if he should pay or not, if he ended the relationship you would be responsible for all your bills and expenses on your own.

If the situation was reversed, you might think you would be happy to support him 100%, but I think after a while you might get concerned at how much you need to keep paying with no sign of it ending anytime soon. Regardless of being able to afford it or not.

This!

He's not your partner, he's a long distance boyfriend so it doesn't have to be equal 🤷‍♀️ he's not obligated to pay for anything for you, I feel sorry for him.

The only vulnerable person in this is me. On second thought, maybe you're right. I might just leave him to it then to be completely alone with no family or support.

That’s just it though, you haven’t managed to ‘support yourself your whole life’ have you? As a child you didn’t support yourself, and as an adult you’re depending on someone else to support you. Also, why do you think you should have child benefit? You haven’t got children.

Based on the OP, not the posts after. I feel quite sad for OP as she has different perceptions of what a relationship is than most - wherever that may come from. Without any other input, my feeling is the DP has become tired of lending(giving?) money and seeing OPs life not substantially change, only become more dependent on him. If I couldn’t afford my own food I’d have to try anything to eat, UC, new job, food bank etc, but primarily get on my own feet.

In kindness, when you are in a relationship, yes you are a team, but a team with team players. I’m not sure what role you play.
Morally it was kind of him to help you as much as he has. Morally it wouldn’t be kind to expect anymore as he has no more obligation to support you than he has a long distance friend.

People have been harsh, but the fact that you are refusing to hear any of it is telling. If you really think he is abusing you then please tell
us more, maybe we’re missing it- as this is not what the OP says.

It absolutely boils my piss how easily people throw around the word “abuse”. When I had DD with ex-DP, I had hyperemesis. I could barely get out of bed, hospitalised, and I was still expected to pay 50/50 of the rent and bills despite throwing up 15 times a day. When DD arrived, I went straight back to work (self employed) and STILL had to pay 50/50 despite no family help with childcare, no help from ex-DP who got up when he needed to go to work and went out with his friends afterwards, leaving me alone with DD all day to care for her, do 100% of the housework and somehow afford to pay 50% of the rent and bills also. When we broke up when DD was 3, I’ve barely received any maintenance at all. She’s now 10.

I’m sorry that you’re struggling but your long distance partner who you don’t live with or share children with really doesn’t owe you anything.

It sounds like you're in a bad situation, but ultimately you do not have a claim on this man's money. He has chosen to give you money at times but that doesn't mean he has an obligation to continue to do so. It is his money and he is entitled to spend it all on expensive tools or whatever he wants.

If you feel you are financially dependent upon someone who is under no obligation to continue to provide you with money, then you need to look at ways to maximise your own income and live more within your means. For example, if you know you're going to be made homeless soon, have you contacted local homeless services, or charities, or looked for rooms to rent, etc? You can't just assume this man will stump up thousands for your deposit. If you need to increase your income, have you maximised your benefits, looked for alternative or additional jobs, etc?

If it weren't for the fact this simply cannot be real the OP's replies would be hilarious. Clueless, self entitled, angry. I hope the partner sees sense.

Lots of women on MN don’t get child benefit for many reasons:

1. they also don’t have children.
2. their children are now adults.
3. they earn too much to qualify for it.

By the same logic, do you resent people paying income tax which then goes towards someone with a disability getting PIP which in part is funded through income tax paid by others who may not need PIP?

FWIW i don't think OP is intentionally financially abusing the boyfriend either, he seems perfectly capable of controlling his own finances and not spending it on her if he doesn't want to. So the accusations of financial abuse on OP's part are really just serving to aggravate.

I still think this relationship is doomed and OP clearly needs some good advice on how to pull themselves out of the hole they are in though!

Yes you’re financially abusing him.
awhat does he get out of the relationship?
would you still be with him if he was in your financial situation?
Why do you think he should work to subsidise your lifestyle?

He’ll be fine. You need to leave him and pay for yourself.

This man has no financial obligation to you at all and has been incredibly kind and generous so far, but it must feel very draining to him, to be providing extra for you all of the time. Yeah he has the financial means to do so, but he is only doing it out of the kindness of his heart.

If I was supporting someone I loved to the extent he is you, I would be devastated if I found out they thought I was being financially abusive because I didn't or couldn't give them more. It would break all my trust in that relationship as I don't think I could be with someone who thought I was abusive like that.