Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Are you the OP?
Have you read the OP's OP?

Here we go again with pathetic competition. My mother also had to scrape together 50p per week to repay loan for baby clothes and shoes. Again you have no clue what trauma or abuse I have suffered in my life, so wind your neck in. When will people stop discriminating against single women without children. Does bullying and verbal abuse make you feel all big and clever?

I hope he sees sense and runs for the hills. OP I am also self employed, if I wouldn’t earn enough to cover bills and food I would find a job not run to my DP!!

And what derision would that be exactly?

I don't agree there tbh. There might be an element but OP clearly feels like she should be 'catered to' . It's a strange dynamic.

He promises you money and then does not give it to you

The OP has never sad this.

If he is using this to financially control you the only thing to do is stop asking him for money. You need to claim benefits, apply for emergency housing and start living within your means, this will take all the power away from him and you can start to rebuild your life on your own terms.

Ok then. If he’s so terrible, leave him and pay for yourself. Sorted :)

Anyway, it's in no way financial abuse. And it's incredibly insulting to those of us who have suffered financial abuse.

What's wrong? You people have no problem dishing out abuse, but can't handle your own medicine

Well, OP said this - Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it

I'm experimenting with validating how she feels to see if she is then able to drop being defensive and if anyone can then help her.

Would you still be with him if he was renting and earning minimum wage?

Err, this. Come on op, take responsibility for yourself here!

If you think he’s abusing you (he’s not) then leave…

You're being nasty. You asked for opinions and you got one.

How on earth can it be financial abuse? You are responsible for your situation no one else

i really don’t think this is real. The OP and subsequent replies all seem to be written in such a way to goad a reaction and it’s clearly worked so well done OP, here’s a slow hand clap for you 👏……….👏………. 👏

Any self-respecting “independent woman” that fell on hard times would be doing what they could to help themselves, not moaning that the one person who was actually helping them wasn’t giving them enough.

Being an adult means paying your own bills.

He doesn't owe you money.
He's not abusing you by expecting you to support yourself.

Do you feel better mocking someone else's crap experience?

According to the poll 98% think you are being unreasonable and that you are NOT being financially abused.

OP if you think this is wrong then you obviously haven't explained it to us properly. Do you want to try again?

Yes, I think you're probably right. And surely if 98% of people who have voted think you're being unreasonable, you might at least reflect a bit on why that might be rather than just lash out with childish responses to some of the opinions which posters have been asked for.

What on earth makes you think YOU'RE entitled to his money ?

Just a thought, but perhaps this rich man is looking for a new self sufficient partner.

Calm down everyone, obviously a troll enjoying the sport. No one can be this delusional...

Your boyfriend is not financially abusing you, because you have the ability generate your own income through work and claiming benefits. Unless he’s demanding you pay your business income, wages and benefits into his accounts that you can’t access then it’s not abuse.

As a single woman without children (according to
your own posts) you can work and/or claim benefits for unemployment or ill health or low income as applicable and support yourself.

It sounds like you may feel dependent on him because he helped your previously but he was under no obligation to do so then, and even if he said or implied he would continue in the future he’s entitled to change his mind even if he has millions in his current account.

He’s not responsible for you.