Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I've worked in a mortgage arrears department several times over the last 20 years. Taking possession of a property takes a very long time and repossession is the absolute final step. Banks don't want to repossess despite what the media may say. There are counsellors involved, payment plans etc. Some of the cases we see have arrears for years and years before they finally go down the possession route.
They also try to get the highest price possible for the house. There has been many instances where (due to massive house price rises) the person can end up with a lot of money once the property is sold and the mortgage and all associated costs are paid.
You sound like you blame everyone else for your situation. You need to take some responsibility. Your partner sounds as though he has helped you more than enough already.
Yes he may be financially comfortable but he's not your own personal ATM

actually there seems to be some unclear financial agreement between the two. op's contribution seems to be premised on he is 50 and she will be in charge of his finances when he is old, so why can't he just give more to her now anyway. he seems to be promising he intends to look after her now financially, but then doesn't 9or doesn't as op understood he would, whatever that is). something is off.

does op know when she will be back on her feet or is this financial dependency period uncapped?

It is still not abuse!
It is a crap situation. No denying that.
I can't see what either of you get from the relationship
What's the point of it?

I actually think if I ever showed this thread to my "imaginary husband / Gentleman friend", he would be mortified and quite angry at the 31 pages of abuse directed towards me.

I think showing him this thread would be a good idea.

If your boyfriend provides the financial support in the relationship, what do you provide?

I kind of get what you mean, that he should want to help you as you’re in a partnership. But what do you bring to that partnership?

The council refused to house me and at the time my PARTNER stepped up to help me secure a rental property, I was living on a friends sofa. He and I had no relationship before that, however I had known him for a few years before then.

oh, I missed this, so your whole relationship has been about him giving you money, right from day one, and now he’s not giving you as much as you want with the escalating demands?

Yeah this is financial abuse

And you should stop doing it.

Badum-tish 🙄

Honestly it's insane to me that you think that if you're in a relationship with someone they're financially abusing you if they don't give you enough money. He is giving you lots already. You are only a girlfriend. You aren't living together. I personally think it's madness he is still pursuing the relationship. The sum of his assets is irrelevant unless you helped him to accrue them, which you haven't said and no doubt would've had you done so. What would you do if you were in a relationship with someone who has no job or has a hobby business like you? You'd find a way. So do that. Support yourself. You're a grown woman.

Seriously, OP, this will run to 1000 posts and end and no one is going to agree with you.

You mentioned that you had had a major breakdown a while ago and (kindly) my advice is that you seek therapy.

To leave this recent post, where you see differently to 99% of posters, must surely tell you something?

We don't need you to explain anything any further.

It's crystal clear to us, but your perspective is skewed.

You're banging on about the injustice of it all - you're the 'victim' in your eyes.
But you won't say what your business is, how much you earn, why you've not managed to get help etc. You won't actually engage truthfully with any of it.

Please take the meaningful advice here which is to seek out Step Change, some counselling, (on why you wear the victim cloak) and get your life back on track.

Just to say you can't make money writing a book for a publisher. Most authors don't. You do have an elevated opinion of yourself.

Show your friend the thread. Maybe he will be mortified and provide rent.

So, at this very moment - how much do you currently OWE him ?

and how do you ever foresee paying your debt

OP in your latest post you said the only nice thing about him so far “He is certainly not stupid”. It’s nice to know you see something other than money in him.

If he doesn’t come out of his “cave sulk” what will you do? I think several people are genuinely conserved that you are leaving yourself too vulnerable by relying on the whims of your partner, who could at any moment break off the relationship. Are you able to make plans to be self-reliant?

Playing devils advocate here for a moment, I think it's your initial wording that has everyone wound up. If your dude is a boyfriend- that is to say, you are just dating with no prospect of engagement, marriage or cohabitation- then I do believe you are being unreasonable to expect him to look after you as a life partner. You might be there but if he objects to throwing you the occasional microwave meal, you are definitely in the boyfriend/girlfriend zone and I would suggest that you need to consider (1) are you prepared to stick around and see what if anything develops with him and (2) work on plan B as your income clearly isn't enough to support you and he is not sufficiently enmeshed in the situation that you can depend on him for £s. Looking at your posts, I think you believe you are in the life partner situation but he is still in the you are his girlfriend stage and that is why he is not financially accommodating. That being said, if he CBA to feed you on occasion (s I said lob you the occasional microwave meal) I think you need to question why are you hanging around for him as it doesn't sound like he is that into you and you deserve better

@Mochachoc Mumsnet users can be really horrible and I would like to apologise on behalf of us all

The poor man, yes it is financial abuse , by you !

So how much have you paid him back?

I'm sorry your in this position but never rely on somebody else as nobody has to give you anything if they don't want to. It's down to you unfortunately.

Ps apply for UC and appeal your pip decision. Contact your local CAB for assistance in appealing and also in making sure you havd all the benefits you are entitled too. Also contact business gateway for assistance with getting your business working for you. Good luck!

Wtf would you have done if you hadn't met him and had all this help?

He'd be horrified by the thread replies you say. Bet you won't show him though ....

Please don’t apologise on my behalf - that would be a shockingly presumptuous thing to do.

I stand by everything I’ve said. I’m not going to ‘be kind’ to (i.e. make excuses for) someone behaving like the OP.

I could write a an entire book on these matters, but won't do this on here, as I found it difficult enough to write just the first post,

But you stayed up ALL NIGHT carrying on posting when your energy should be aimed at getting work and earning money.

I only came back for the deletion message, I can’t believe this is still going!

never voted before on here. just did

Possible plot twist, I think the OP IS the man in this situation, his GF has been bleeding him dry for years and he came for reassurance but can't now accept the reality that noone thinks the situation is ok....

You mean 2% of posters on this.