Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Does your partner prevent you from working?
Do your paychecks go into his account?

No-one has denied that you may have had some bad luck that got you into a financially precarious situation. Your partner loaned you some money to help you out of an emergency situation. However, you're now several years down the line and no closer to being able to support yourself, or presumably pay any of it back. From reading your post and replies, it appears that your plan is just to keep taking his money, and hope that one day your business suddenly takes off and you become wealthy enough to buy a home and pay him back.

He didn't sign up to support a middle aged woman indefinitely.

You will have to bite the bullet, contact the council, and go into a B & B or hostel, because you cannot afford private rental or meet the conditions you would need to meet given your credit rating.

It's unfortunate that you have found yourself in this position but you need to be realistic about what you can actually afford and lower your expectations for your lifestyle- no, it isn't going to be luxurious or particularly fun for a while and you are going to be scrimping and saving. Most of us have been there at some point or another and survived.

Well, with the rental market as it is (i.e. far more tenants than properties available) most landlords wouldn’t touch the OP at the moment with a barge pole. If it comes down to a choice between her and someone with two years of payslips or even her and an overseas tenant or a young person with no credit history to excuse the lack of proof of income (the usual circumstances for 6 months rent in advance), they’d be mad to rent to her.

Don’t forget proper eviction procedures have to be followed if a tenant stops paying. If the OP can’t show she can afford it now, why should a landlord think she can afford it in the future?

She needs proper PAYE income for a decent period of time (or accounts for self employment showing a good income for a similar period).

oh well nothing Liz Jones is involved in would surprise me 😫

So how much have you ‘loaned’ and how much have you paid back?

I don't post much these days, but thought to ask. I believe there is a disjoint between your op and this reply. Your op seems to say you are entitled to more money/financial help from him for essentials as you view this relationship as a partnership whilst this post seems to say all his money to you has been a loan, to be paid back once you are able to.

So, have you asked him for an additional loan for 6 months rent etc you now need for your new rental or was it just 'money asked to help you'? If former, what was his response to more loan?

if loans, where did the confusion of 'financial abuse or not' come from so you had to ask MN?

I think you need to pause and get your thought process together before further talks with him as he too might just be as confused.

Also, you seem to say teh 'relationship' occurred around teh beginning of Covid when you lost your home: I really think this complicates things and both he and you could be vulnerable as Covid period was a difficult period. If I were you, I would stop taking any more money from someone I met in those circumstances. Have you considered taking a break including a financial break from this relationship? I think that will do you both a world of good. If you are meant to be together, you will be together when everyone has had some space.

Have you not noticed OP that there isn't one person who agrees with your standpoint.
Being self employed means making enough to live on. You are obviously not self employed, you are unemployed with a very expensive hobby. Has it not occurred to you to get a job and support yourself?
I can't believe you have wiped out his savings and are then moaning that he is abusive cos he won't give you any more!
Are you not embarrassed to be begging like this? How long have you not had a job for? You need to put your big girl pants on and support yourself rather than filching off your only just sugar daddy who is fed up with you by the sounds of it.

OP what will you do if he ends the relationship tonight, says he wants nothing more to do with you, and blocks you on everything? What will you do then about your situation? I honestly can't see any point in you being in this 'relationship'. Or him for that matter.

Yes, this!

OP, you've had a really bad run, but that still doesn't make him responsible for you.

"Lots of replies from male usernames"

Well no there was 1. Which was the name of a male TV character.

Sorry you're in such a situation and genuinely hope you can help your self somehow.

He is not being financially abusive or controlling. Sounds like he has been way too generous. Over a short period of 4 years and you dont even live together.

If it was switched around and you were the man and he was the women. Everyone would be telling him to ditch you. Because it sounds like you are taking advantage of his generousity and then have the audacity to ask if he is being financially abusive!

He is probably fed up and doesnt want to fund you anymore. Can't really say thats unreasonable.

You've been in a long distance relationship for "about 4 years" your house was reposessed a month before Covid? The first lockdown started in March 2020 so just over 4 years ago and for a very long time no one was allowed to go anywhere. Not even the next town so how did you start a relationship? Was your house already reposessed when you started this relationship.
I'm truly sorry for what you've been through financially. Reposession is awful and on top of health issues that's even worse. But none of this is his doing and none of it is his responsibility. No one is financially abusing you. You're in a very difficult situation but that doesn't make it financial abuse on his part.

I'm not sure, but he doesn't sound very good to you, and doesn't want to take care of you

Well that’s not true. You’re relying on your boyfriend and have still got so much debt you can’t get a rental without paying upfront rent 😂

The man GIVES you his money. But you seem to think:

1. he should give you more than he does
2. that you shouldn’t have to ask, he should just hand it over and lots of it
3. that you can be critical of what he spends his own money on
4. he should supplement your self employment which clearly doesn’t earn you enough money
5. he is financially abusing you even though he is giving you handouts
6. he is depriving you of food because he hasn’t bought you more food
7. he has deliberately put you in this position

you also don’t seem to like him very much from the way you speak about him. I actually feel quite sorry for this man.

And you haven’t said why you don’t seek payee employment when your current self employment is not making enough to eat.

Despite everyone on here telling you this man isn’t financially abusing you and that you need to stop blaming him for your predicament, you’ve just got angry and told everyone to piss off basically.

But yeah, HE is the problem 🤔

Yes, thought the same. How can your house be repossessed and it not be your fault?

The six months rental thing is totally a genuine thing and I don’t doubt that it would be very very hard for the OP to find a rental the way the market is at the moment.

i also believe her with the repossession. The bank doesn’t have to get market value and the market was quite poor in 2019, I sold my own place then and it was on the market for 9 months before I got an offer. If you have no job you have no leverage and won’t get things like a payment holiday or the court stalling the eviction to allow you to pay off arrears.

She will struggle immensely with getting a council property as a single person. Financially she is likely quite fucked.

It does probably feel unfair if your long term partner (yes you can be partners without living together) is financially secure yet doesn’t rush to help you. He has no obligation to legally and maybe he feels that he is being exploited here, which might be a fair assumption based on what the OP has said. The comments about him being controlling suggest the OP doesn’t like him much and it doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship.

Its not financial abuse but the OP is in a shitty situation and probably wishes she had someone else for a partner, maybe someone she lives with and someone more prepared to support her.

But when you think about it, imagine if you had been in a relationship for 4.5 years and you faced homelessness and they just shrugged their shoulders. At first I found the OP grabby and strange but actually that would be hard to deal with I think.

Um presumably because she lost her job or was ill - hard to blame people for misfortune like that.

It sound like you have had a tough time op and are not accepting responsibility you are blaming everyone else

you are not being financially abused

your partner doesn’t want to lend you anymore money Which is up to them they are not responsible for you maybe they are fed up of lending money that hasn’t been paid back so what are you going to do about your situation ??

burying your head in the sand and blaming everyone else won’t change your situation it may well have contributed to the repossession of your house at it takes about 2 years to get to that point

you don’t sound like you even like your partner the way you post about them

Probably Carole Baskin is involved somewhere.

Here’s my first ever LTB.

98% of the people on here are telling you that you are being very unreasonable… listen to them.

Do him a favour… set him free to find someone who will love him for the person he is and not just the size of his bank balance. You don’t sound like you actually like him very much let alone love him. 🤔

You've been together 4 years, and you've been in financial/accomodation trouble for around the same time, going by your posts, OP. So he was hardly your "partner" when you started borrowing money from him, especially as you remain in a long distance relationship, and you had/have no intention of wanting to live with him. I don't think you have answered PP's question: what do you bring to the relationship that makes it on the equal footing of a committed partnership, such that he should share his money with you freely and you can claim he is abusing you by spending his money on himself?

But she claims to have always been financially independent and a job etc, why didn't she claim benefits etc etc. I'm not buying any of this woe is me. This thread is so ridiculous

I have to admit, I am quite enjoying the company on here, seeing as my "Gentleman friend" has gone into one of his cave sulks. Despite the abusive nature of the replies, I am finding it quite entertaining..... Although very mentally draining and offensive at the same time. It feels a bit like annoying wasps that won't leave you alone.

I probably will never understand why so many people have got their knickers in such a twist over my situation. As much as you might like to think I am some evil gold-digger, and I do understand that's easier for some people to believe... That is very far removed from reality.

I actually think if I ever showed this thread to my "imaginary husband / Gentleman friend", he would be mortified and quite angry at the 31 pages of abuse directed towards me.

No, he is NOT being financially abused, used, manipulated etc by me - Although you seem to be very excited and determined to believe that. That is actually very insulting also to his intelligence. He is certainly not stupid.

I have never demanded, expected, or felt entitled to any of his money/assets/will, or anything else. He has not gifted me any money - I am heavily indebted to him and all monies from him have been LOANED to me.

The original agreement was that I would be repaying a fixed amount to him monthly for the loan he made to me to secure a rented property. The pandemic did not exist at this point and about 1 week after I moved into rented property, the "pandemic" began. This was not expected or anticipated by anybody. In addition, it turned out that the landlord of rented property (which was let through a "professional" letting agent) had no legal consent from their mortgage lender to let the property at all, and I therefore could be forcibly evicted at any moment by their mortgage lender, with zero notice. I was also being unlawfully recorded by the landlord on covert CCTV cameras. So I then had to move home again and try to secure another property.

I could write a an entire book on these matters, but won't do this on here, as I found it difficult enough to write just the first post, and I could actually make money from a publisher writing a book....

I might come back again later to try to help you some more, but just a little break....

So after almost 800 posts, you come back to say the money he's given you is a LOAN ... Funny how you didn't say that at the start

It hardly matters, since OP made it clear that even the loans are resented and the obvious wish to just be given the money makes it only too likely the "loans" would never be repaid anyway:

"sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future"