Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Is anybody starting to think the boyfriend (😉) has bought the £3,000 chainsaw to be able to remove this leech from his life? 🙋‍♀️ 😅

i’m rooting for him!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣 I needed this thread the only abuser is you. He doesn’t owe you a damn penny. Stop money grabbing and sort your own life out.

Ha ha, oh god I don’t read her anymore but she was like this!

If you're self employed but don't make enough money to get by on I'd say it's time to have a look at employment elsewhere.

I worked in a part time job while also working for myself, when I took a step back from being busy all the time yet never having any money I realised I'd be better off going back to full time employment. More money, less stress.

I think you might be financially abusing him tbh. He has helped you out loads by the sounds of it, you need to be responsible for your own finances.

I'm sorry that you've been through the mill so much, and it might be affecting your perception a bit.
I would be reassessing whether your business is something you can realistically continue with if it's not even affording you food and rent, and whether you need to go and get a job to support yourself.
It sounds like your partner has been very supportive but everyone has their limits, and if you're not prepared to help yourself, his sympathy may be wearing somewhat thin.

If you're unable to pay for another private rental then the council will need to step in. There are a number of benefits available to you and presumably you get DLA or PIP? Please contact Shelter who will be able to advise as to your next steps as I'm guessing you've been served a section 21.

I think you'll start to feel a lot better when you know that there are steps you can take and avenues of help you can avail of outside of asking your partner to pay; and it can only improve your relationship as it will put you back on an even keel again.

He owes you nothing. If I was his friend or relative I'd advise him to get away from you quickly.

So basically you think you’re entitled to his money because…?

No.

The way you write about your partner it sounds like you really don’t like him very much - why don’t you ditch him, or can’t you afford not to have him in your life?

Perhaps you should change the title to 'Am I being financially abusive' your boyfriend owes you nothing. You don't even live together. Mine earns twice as much as me. Has plenty of savings and outright owns his own house (we are long distance) not once, even when Ive been on the bones off my arse have I ever gone and demanded money off him or called him financially abusive. Financially abusive was my exh who used to take all my wages off me and let me have a £20 allowance out of it. That also had to feed me Btw! If you're honestly that hard up go and get a second and even a third job like many of us have had to do.

Well, OP did say "he has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me", but it seems the praise only lasted as long as she was getting the money, and now he's very sensibly turning the tap off the story's changed

I'd say "poor guy", except that it may not have been very wise of him to provide so much in the first place

The only one being financially abused is HIM NOT YOU.
I think you need to put your big girl pants on and stop counting on others to get you what you want.
Stop depending on someone that owes you nothing.
How are you going to pay him back are you going to pay him back?
Just because he`s a man dont mean you can mug him off.
You need to take control of your own life.

after reading several financial abuse threads on here recently, it has opened my eyes a bit and made me realise his intentions towards me might not be sincere.

but you're not being financially abused!

What a horrible post, I can’t beleive you’ve insinuated he isn’t a decent guy as he’s not giving her thousands and thousands more. And saying he’s no reason not to give her his money.

honestly the horrible grabby stuff people write 😱

@Mochachoc
It must be galling to think that someone who loves you and who has money is not helping you when you are in dire circumstances.

You said earlier that he had previously loaned you money. Did you ever pay any of it-even a tiny amount back? If not, could this be why he doesn't want to do again. Could you raise this with him.

Does he see the relationship as a casual one. You live far apart and neither of you are anxious to change this. If this is the case, he might not think that you are as important to him as you think you are. Again, could you raise this with him? It might have the effect of bringing you closer,

Do you treat him well in a loving way? Does he think you treat him in a loving way. If not, maybe he doesn't want to help because he thinks you don't love him.

Did you tell him off about the chain saw? Maybe he saw this as a step too far from you.

Maybe ask again for help with your desperate housing situation but suggest that you both go to a solicitor and have the loan drawn up formally with a clause saying it has to be paid back in 3 years time. Maybe offer to get a second job when you are housed and give him all the wages from that.

I would also be showing him a pleasant face that shows gratitude for what he has already done and not an angry or accusing one, as this could only entrench him in his view of not parting with any more. Always remember, that no matter how you feel it should be, he is a legal stranger to you and isn't obliged to help you at all.

Would he let you stay with him while you find your feet?

Lastly, are you sure that he isn't telling the truth when he says he has spent his savings on you already.

I hope you get sorted out.

To answer your question:
No this is definitely not financial abuse.
Yes you are being very unreasonable.

This

You need to find a way to help yourself. You are very lucky he hasn't gotten fed up and cut you off. Yet.

Your last post has made it even worse! No relationship before then and STILL no mention of even seeing the guy IRL. You scream online scam.

I did have the property on the market for sale multi-agency - I was not given a chance in hell of selling it myself for true market value before they repossessed. I did try to fight it in court, but was dealing with various health issues and also going through a severe mental breakdown. I had also banked with my mortgage company for over 15 years and they did absolutely nothing to help. I had paid a large deposit on the property, tens of thousands of pounds in mortgage repayments, spent tens of thousands of pounds renovating the property and had a large amount of equity, all lost through no fault of my own.

Mortgage repossessions are absolutely fraudulent, as is the DWP who will do anything to avoid paying. God knows how many more years it will take for the law and the courts to recognise this.

Thats the conclusion I came to earlier too, I can't see any other point. OP clearly does not want to leave this 'abusive' partner, refuses to concede that partner has no obligation nor responsibility to provide for her financially... what else is there.

The other thing which really stands out from your posts OP, is your language indicates you don't think much of him or indeed , like him particularly. You cant have an intimate relationship with someone who you dont like . Thats not good for either of you . Please get some help and advice , maybe from a local women's centre to regain control again over your own life . You'll feel so much better for that, I promise .

You can still be in a relationship — and both consider yourself partners — without living together or being married!

Sounds more like he’s being financially abused! You’re a middle aged woman, doesn’t asking for help from a man embarrass you and make you more motivated to look after yourself?

Why do you need six months rent? I’ve never heard of more than a deposit and a months rent upfront but maybe you live somewhere very different.

Can you take on more hours or a second job? Claim a UC top up? Claim PIP or DLA if health problems impact how much work you can do? I sympathise with you having to start all over again, I had to do the same due to an abusive ex stealing money and it’s hard. But relying on a man isn’t the way to go here!