Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Partners are either people you live with and are in a relationship with, or they are business partners.

Men that you see in a relationship are boyfriends or gentleman friends - but do the two of you actually see each other...

or are you just a little middle aged gold digger that is never ever satisfied with how much you get out of your sugar daddy - as that is what it sounds like !

this poor man needs to get rid of you, no matter how great the sex is ( what else is he getting out of this ' relationship ' ?!!! )

give him his freedom, now.

and paddle your own boat, and stop blaming everyone else for your poor financial decisions during your life.

and we all know he is never ever going to see a penny back of what he has given you, despite you claiming it is a loan.

but I still think this is all a wind up.

you can undo it

But why would you need to share finances when you don’t share any assets together? I understand if people are married as they have signed a contract to share their finances and people that rent or have a mortgage together, as they share bills. If you live separately you have no financial responsibilities to each other at all. He did kindly help you out but really you should have taken steps to sort your own finances out before you got into such financial straits. That’s on you, not him.

98% of posters say you’re being unreasonable @Mochachoc - and still you aren’t listening.

Everyone is “childish” and not reading your posts is that right. All 28 pages.

You come across as self-pitying, extremely defensive and very immature. This man does not owe you a living or to support you.

Where he got his assets is nothing to do with you and he’s entitled to spend his cash on whatever he chooses.

Any financial abuse seems more likely from your side. Giving him a hard time as he won’t bail you out endlessly. You thought you’d landed a meal ticket and turns out not to be the case.

Funnily enough the law is pretty clear on this - the assets of one partner do not become the jpoint by property of a couple unless and until they are married (and even then not 100% automatically after the moment of marriage).

Your partner or boyfriend has no obligation to support you, so how can he “financially abuse” you?

OP, you’re getting a hard time on here (although I don’t think you’ve helped yourself by arguing with posters who don’t agree with you), and I suspect it’s partly because you don’t live with your partner so people assume it’s somehow less of a relationship than if you were living together or married. It’s also hard to see how it’s financial abuse though; I can see it might hurt that he doesn’t seem to care about your situation (although you say he has helped you previously) but that doesn’t equate to financial abuse.

OP is one of the more unpleasant OPs o think i can recall in recent times!

Im sorry you are going through tough times, but honestly this is your situation he has no obligation to give you anything at all. Noone does. I would focus on yourself and trying to build an income stream so you can stop relying on him. I think you are unfair to him tbh, i would never expect that level of help from a partner, and he has been very generous already. I thinknyouve got used to relying on him and forgot you can make money too, ita never too late to start something. You can do it, be brave and never rely on anyone to keep you financially, its not fair in yourself or them

@BetterWithPockets it is not just that they don’t live together

it is a long distance relationship too

Yep, this right here

But why? Partnership isn’t about getting money given to you regardless of the situation. If you were married and living together I would say differently and if you stayed at home and looked after your (you and his) children then yes. I would aagree

just because you are not doing well doesn’t mean he owes you his assets.

OP i am curious

Do you have one single friend?

I have been homeless myself. I have lived with no food. We often had to live in the streets growing up. My mum did everything possible and we lost. She left a man who was DV and she’s my hero. She never stopped. She worked 5 jobs for food. She slept outside the council doors and we finally got given one room which we lived in for 4 years. We shared a bathroom with 18 other families.

you’re in a precarious position but nothing you can’t get help to get out of.

That’s true. But that doesn’t invalidate it as a relationship.

Op i have read all your posts and you seem completely detached from reality. Im not sure what to say but you need to find a way to leave this man for your mental health and support yourself as you are an adult after all.

Liz Jones

OMG

is this Liz Jones???!

He might be tei g the truth and have no money. Assists alone don’t make you cash rich.

never said it did
nor did anyone else
but it makes this circus even more unreasonable on the part of the OP

This is rage bait. I’m almost certain of it.

Leave him then.

This is Mumsnet. Where the richest women are on here it seems. None of us have child benefit 😂😂

I too am in a long distance long term relationship with someone who's income currently is and always will be in excess of mine . I also have recently become disabled through chronic illness and sight loss. However - we split all costs equally when we're together as I in particular, want to be viewed as equals in our long term relationship . And he understands and supports that . Yes he is very generous indeed when it comes to gifting treats which I love but that is his choice to do so , absolutely not his obligation towards me which drives that and I don't expect them.

I cannot imagine for one moment imagining I can expect to rely on his.personal income or capital for any of my needs or wants ever . Just seems wrong , committed relationship or not . Why would I give agency over my own independence and well being to anyone ? Weird in my opinion . I'm sure this reliance on another human cannot be good.for your mental health . No individual personally owes you a living .

Both in our mid 60s , together for 16 years and counting . Choosing not to.live together so as not to muddy inheritance waters for our individual children from previous marriages . Though we spend.lots of time together at each other's homes and are ragingly content .

Exactly my thought when I read it. Mortgage holiday while selling? Interest only for a bit? No, head in sand.

Well tbh- they don't live together, Nor are they married. And it's long distance and she appears to have been tapping him from very early on.

So yes- it's not the same as if they had been living together or were married. You are right.

please come back and confirm if you’re liz jones or not op!!!