Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Mortgage repossession takes a huge amount of time, whatever are you on about,there is no way you didn’t have time to sell, no way at all.

I feel bad for you OP, losing your home like that and now renting is a huge expensive struggle for you. I don't think he is abusing you financially unless you feel he is lording his wealth over you for reasons known only to himself? Or keeping you in tow with promises of financial help which never materialise just to get his leg over? Do you think he is getting fed up with it all and doesn't see the two of you together long term? I get that it must be deeply irritating to see him with zero financial worries due to inheritance and not being generous towards a partner of close to 5 years, but have to agree with others that there just isn't that level of commitment towards each other that justifies any financial support from him. Hope your health and work situation improve soon.

Hmm. I’m not sure re the first part. I do think most if not all posters are of the opinion that it’s somehow less of a relationship because they’re not married/living together. And that might be valid. But it might not. Only the OP — and her partner — know the answer to that.

This. Also "true market value"= overpriced.

You need to start taking responsibility for your own decisions / actions / choices . Surely you having the house repossessed / your business not making enough to sustain you / being refused benefits can all be someone else's fault? There are solutions to all of the above , one way or another .

I’m sorry you are having a tough time but you are expecting too much from him. As someone who has to bail out a family member constantly it’s emotionally draining and feels like you’re being used.
you need to get another job or start looking for other options .

Your whole relationship has been based on him bailing you out. I know life can be very, very hard at the moment, but if you look at the facts here, he has no obligation to you at all. You are not partners in any sense of the word that makes sense, perhaps in your mind but not to most of us.

If you feel uncomfortable with accepting the handouts he's offering (because they're not enough) the best thing would be to look at a room in a shared house, a full time job that will give you a secure income rather than self employment and rebuilding your life yourself. He has no obligation to do so.

Just here for the deletion message 🍿

Yes the average time is two years. There is no way when rhe op started missing payments she’s no time to sell, of course she did. Ample time.

if she didn’t get any money from it, it will be as she owed them so much,

if the op can’t be honest about something so easily disproven, what is she being honest about. Other than she is asking this man for thousands and thousands, and already had at least that.

Op nothing is eve your fault is it

The house, the fault of the government or the mortgage company. Your current finances, the fault of your boyfriend. Even on this thread when you say people don’t understand your point it’s their fault for not asking the right questions.

It sounds like you are financially abusing your partner. None of your problems are his doing, he’s given you more than most would have and that’s still not enough for you. I’m worried on his behalf.

I think he needs to leave you tbh.

Lucky you never having heard of 6 months rent upfront. That only serves to reinforce the ignorance of many people who have replied, who clearly have zero understanding or knowledge of any life circumstances that they have not personally experienced themselves. My credit rating is completely destroyed for a number of years and there is nothing I can do about that. You cannot rent a property with only paying 1 month upfront under those circumstances.

You read like a conspiracy theorist now, were they all in it to take it off you?

What would you do if you weren’t with this man OP? Like it or not he has no financial obligation to you. If you don’t like that you’re welcome to leave him.

I'm waiting to hear he's blocked her

Hi Mochachoc

Thank you for posting your query.

I'm curious how he treats you otherwise, when you're not needing/asking for money.
Does he belittle you then?
Call you names?
Try to control you?
Any other forms of abuse he is committing?
Emotional, psychological, physical, sexual etc.
These things very rarely happen as a singular type.

Despite your issues with DWP etc, he is still not responsible nor financially abusing you.

My brother in law has a credit rating as low as physically possible due to a past gambling addiction but managed a first months rent and one months deposit?

Having read all of your posts now though I can see that your situation is clearly everyone else’s fault and people should be giving you money willingly!

None of the content of your latest posts are relevant to your original question though.

Needing 6 months rent and your bad credit are not his problem. There are plenty of people on here who have dug themselves out of difficult financial situations and could offer you great advice.
Something tells me you’re not actually interested.

How much do you currently owe this man? Have you paid anything back to him?

Like in any relationship, if you aren't married, you need to make sure you can be financially independent because a boyfriend/partner isn't obligated to financially support you forever. You've been very lucky up to this point. Very. You don't live together, and you don't have children together, so him giving you money for things that don't benefit him or a joint household is incredibly generous. It's wild that you don't see that.

One of the most bonkers threads I’ve read in a long time….. how can someone expect a boyfriend to support them that they don’t even live with. Bizarre.

If you’re unhappy with DWP appeal, plenty of help around for that. Surprised the BF is still around tbh who in their right mind would tolerate behaviour of the OP.

None of that is the fault or responsibility or your boyfriend though.