Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I have been thinking about this thread and the OP, and for various reasons my cognitive abilities are very diminished these days, so the only reason for the OP to start this thread - that my poor brain can come up with is:
'that she expected us all to agree with her, so that she could show this thread to her "boyfriend", to back up her telling him that he is being financially abusive to her, and therefore a very horrible person'.

Really, there's only one person being financially abused here. And, sorry OP, but it's not you.

A man you don't live with, who you are not legally tied to in any way, is under no obligation, legally OR morally, to take care of you.

The council refused to house me and at the time my PARTNER stepped up to help me secure a rental property, I was living on a friends sofa. He and I had no relationship before that, however I had known him for a few years before then

OK, can I clarify my understanding?. You were independent (before the pandemic) and knew him (as a friend, or friend of a friend, acquaintance) but were not in a relationship, but once you were in serious financial trouble and sleeping on a friend’s sofa, your relationship as Partners began when he stepped up and paid for a rental property to help you? For a verity of reasons your financial troubles have continued but he is less willing to help you financially and spends his money on items for himself that are not, in your opinion, essential, when his money could be better used to support you. And am I right in understanding you @Mochachoc that you consider him turning the money tap on and off to be the abusive element?

It is actually the fault of DWP, who when I needed / applied for support for the very first time in my life, refused to help and it took them about 10 months to finally process my claim. My home would not have been repossessed otherwise. My entire lifetime of savings and substantial equity were tied up in my property and was all lost, as when a mortgage company repossess, they do not sell the property for market value, they sell for the lowest possible amount to recover their mortgage debt only. This happened about one month before the start of the pandemic, so I had no protection from the Covid laws put in place to stop possessions.

Whilst I completely sympathise with this situation you still need to own it. Have you sought advice from the CAB? Perhaps you have legal recourse. If the DWP really are at fault here then you should seek help to get them to own their mistake and financially compensate you. Also, you mortgage lender will have been aware of your reasons for falling behind, given your ill health were they not willing to do more? Again if you feel they could’ve take it up with them and then the financial ombudsman.

The council refused to house me and at the time my PARTNER stepped up to help me secure a rental property, I was living on a friends sofa. He and I had no relationship before that, however I had known him for a few years before then.

if you have a health condition serious enough to receive support from the DWP then the council have a duty of care you provide you with accommodation. Initially it will likely be a hostel, B&B but in time you should get a place. Also they have schemes where they pay your deposit or act as guarantors - again go and talk to them.

Just to clarify as well as far too many assumptions are being made by many people, none of the money he has helped me with has been "given" to me - The money is loaned.

You seem to feel as though he’s a magic money tree and I that he SHOULD be giving you more but you’re not his responsibility and your very unkind about him, perhaps he’s realised you’re not his PARTNER but an adult dependant he no longer wishes to bank roll.

Also, you say partner but how far way does he live? How often do you see one another? This relationship doesn’t feel ‘real’.

At the end of the day OP only you have your back and you need to step up and start sorting this out. It’s not easy but how amazing will it feel to not rely on someone else to bail you out! There are lots and lots of organisations out there who can help.

I can imagine that even ten years ago this forum would have been more sympathetic to the OP. Times have changed and I sympathise if she has not kept up.

It's a bit of a vicious circle in that people who are financially abusive generally won't accept it/won't care, so showing him this thread really won't help.

In a slight twist of my own cognitive abilities, I've realised that the OP actually doesn't want her OH to be financially abusive - if he was then the "right" thing to do would be to leave him as he wouldn't change and she needs to be free of him. She actually wants us to say that he sounds like a decent person who's made a bad decision who might change his mind if 600 random people on the internet tell him that he's BU.

I agree with what seems to be going on here, particularly after the recent post in which the OP admitted taking money then starting to ‘date’ the person giving her said money but I’d just like to note that honest sex work (cash for sex) isn’t actually illegal - it’s touting for business on the street or working in a brothel that breaks the law.

Even prostitutes offering ‘the girlfriend experience’ (actually a thing) is legal.

Even what the OP is doing is probably legal. It may be morally reprehensible but unless her ‘partner’ (I agree, he’s nothing of the sort, he’s a casual boyfriend at best) is legally vulnerable rather than just naive and easily exploited, she probably hasn’t broken the law.

@Mochachoc I don't know what else to call your boyfriend apart from a boyfriend. You aren't married and don't live together, so he's not a husband or partner so how else can people refer to him? The term doesn't have any implications to me - my mum had a boyfriend when she was in her mid 80s.

Just to clarify as well as far too many assumptions are being made by many people, none of the money he has helped me with has been "given" to me - The money is loaned.

How are you proposing to pay him back then @Mochachoc ?

I hit the YANBU button by accident.

You can change your vote. Just hit the other one.

Sorry OP you sound a bit of an entitled user.

he does not have any obligations or responsibilities towards you. the fact you say he ought to just give you money because he is richer than you ... it's really off.

If i were him I would be running for the hills to be honest.

Boo hoo OP.

Really why? She’s expecting a man she doesn’t livr with and has no children with (or appear to like very much), to fund her life and is complaining when he spends HIS money on himself! 10 years ago I would’ve been a lot harsher but I’ve calmed down!

Gentleman friend?

We don't have to call him your boyfriend OP, we can call him your sugar daddy instead 🙂

Dating a man doesn’t make you entitled to his money. None of it. Even after years of dating.
Earn your own money.

I’m interested you really think that ?? Op isn’t that many years younger than me and my generation were often brought up to be independent single women who paid our own way not be bankrolled by an older man ( unless you were Mandy Wyman or similar).

@Crumpleton I stand corrected. Gentleman friend sounds much more refined 😆😆😆

My entire lifetime of savings and substantial equity were tied up in my property and was all lost, as when a mortgage company repossess, they do not sell the property for market value, they sell for the lowest possible amount to recover their mortgage debt only.

@Mochachoc Why didn't you sell the property yourself before it reached that stage? I'd imagine there was time to as repossessions take months.

OP - putting the financial stuff aside for a minute (I think you now realise that the vast majority think you're unreasonable in that respect) - why are you with him? You haven't said one positive thing about him in any of your posts. You describe him as "greedy, selfish, controlling and demeaning". You say you don't want to live with him as you imagine he'd be controlling.
There is no affection or love in your tone. It sounds like you dislike him, despise him maybe. So why are you with him? I can only assume you stay with him in the hope you'll get more money from him or because you can't financially cope without him.

How about 'sheep'? 🐑

She's fleecing him, after all. Baaaaaaaaah...

No, it would not be

yes financial abuse

but you financially abusing him

long distance relationship

so you don’t even get together that often

un-fucking-believable

Poor guy