Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

The poor bloke is being financially abused.

This is a huge wind up surely!!?
But if not, OP, your boyfriend isn’t controlling “the” finances, he’s controlling his. You have no right to a penny of it. If you feel that he’s letting you struggle on purpose and getting some kind of enjoyment out of it then end the relationship asap.

as someone who had fallen on really hard times, behind on rent, wages arrested for council tax, choosing to feed my child and not myself and my husband whilst my parents sit pretty well off… do I feel like they financially abused us? Absolutely not! They helped often but were in no way obligated to give us money.

YABU because your partner isn’t obligated to help you whether he can or can’t. Is there no other route you can go down ie different line of work?

quite shocked at some of your replies to people tbh

I'm not sure he sees you as a partner?

Not sure if it started that way, but it seems to me that he sees you as someone he has an obligation to support, but he is obviously getting fed up of it, that's why he's making excuses and not just handing over money as and when you ask for it.

If he was a decent guy and he genuinely saw you as a partner and he loved you, he would have no problem sharing his life/assets/money with you, he could do all of that while you are not married and you wouldn't have a claim to any of it if you split up, he also has no one else to leave it to (if that is correct) so there is no reason for him to withhold it from you, unless he begrudges sharing it with you.

I think you've come to rely on his handouts and his help and it's become more of a caregiver/support role, rather than genuine partnership, maybe you should have a good chat about the future of your relationship.

Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

IMO...
No, its not financial abuse...
Yes, you ABU.

Why would you think this though? He has already helped you out, you should be supporting yourself.

Op, I am not seeing how getting together with this man has led directly to you having no money. You have implied heavily that it is his fault, but not evidenced why. All you have detailed is ways in which he has bailed you out financially. That’s why it doesn’t look like financial abuse (or if there is, is of him of him, by you).

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes!
OP: You're all wrong, I clearly am not BU

Absolutely yes, OP. It's financial abuse. And you are making a bloody good job of it.

Maybe he needs the £3000 chainsaw to cut down the tree branch you’re sitting on.

OP, I am sorry to say but you do not have partnership. You live long distance from each other, you or him don't plan to live together, you ask him for money when you need it, you are not in his will and you have completely separate finances. This is not definition of partnership. In the partnership you describe, people make decisions together, you don't. I find it strange that when you are at the verge of becoming homeless you are asking your partner to give you 6 months deposit money instead of moving in with him for some time to save money. It doesn't cross your or his mind. You are asking wrong questions: the main question is why do you both decide to put your comfort of wanting to live alone above the crisis you are in? The true partnership is when both of you say "given the situation let's move in together for some time even if it is inconvenient" not for him to give you money and for you to take it.
People are jumping on you because it does sound like you just use him for money. He helped you out before and you unfortunately are still in bad situation. I understand and feel for you. But just because he has 3000 pounds for chainsaw doesn't mean he needs to give it to you because I am sorry to say again you are not partners as of this moment. You both need to decide whether you are true partners and if you are, make decisions together. You say you might need to take care of him in the future, but how are you planning to do so if you are in long-distance relationship?
And no, OP he is not financially abusing you, he just doesn't want to give money endlessly and you have no right to ask for it even if he has it, given all I have written above.

Why do you think that he is obliged to pay what you owe, @Mochachoc ? That's a genuine question. Lots of us (all of us?) can't figure it out, so perhaps if you can explain it differently, we will understand.

It looks like you expect more support from him, and he's not giving it to you. Unless he's legally obliged to give you money, this is simply a case of incompatibility. You don't have to stay with him.

I grew up in an equally poor household. It made me want to work hard and try to rely on only me, not some poor sap of a man who you think has to look after you just because he has money. I find it all rather sad and grabby. 'Not fairrrrrr - he has money and I don't. He should give it to meeeeeee'
Self respect anyone?

Tell me you didn't watch Baby Reindeer without telling me 😂😂😂

Is this a troll post? Haha
What nonsense
You're not even married to him
You have zero entitlement to his money
He's actually so nice to you
Calm down before he leaves you haha

Am I reading the written version of Piers Morgan interviewing Fiona Harvey here? It's the refusing to answer questions, taking offence and they way OP is calling everyone childish and telling everyone to grow up. FH has had a boyfriend for 'coming up to 5 years' too.

I hope this is a troll post and someone messing around with the Baby Reindeer stuff. If it is they need to be commended on their writing style because it is bang on.

This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

This is illogical. He's helped you out hugely when you were destitute.

The only thing hindering rebuilding your life and income is the fact your business is not paying a living wage.

Do you live rurally? Somewhere remote?
You mention buying oil for the boiler and him doing tree work .

If you can't afford food, are there no food banks in your area?

Have you investigated benefits?

Have you looked for a job even if it was in a shop, pub, cafe, to top up your other income?

To keep getting into debt with a business that isn't profitable means you need to find another way to earn money. Not rely on a boyfriend.

What I want to know is how on earth 2% of voters can read the OP’s description of rinsing a vulnerable middle aged man who has never had a relationship for every penny she can get out of him and still think she isn’t being unreasonable.😮

It is actually the fault of DWP, who when I needed / applied for support for the very first time in my life, refused to help and it took them about 10 months to finally process my claim. My home would not have been repossessed otherwise. My entire lifetime of savings and substantial equity were tied up in my property and was all lost, as when a mortgage company repossess, they do not sell the property for market value, they sell for the lowest possible amount to recover their mortgage debt only. This happened about one month before the start of the pandemic, so I had no protection from the Covid laws put in place to stop possessions.

I also should have been receiving a higher amount when the claim was finally processed and I am still fighting over 4 years later for backdated payments owed.

The council refused to house me and at the time my PARTNER stepped up to help me secure a rental property, I was living on a friends sofa. He and I had no relationship before that, however I had known him for a few years before then.

Just to clarify as well as far too many assumptions are being made by many people, none of the money he has helped me with has been "given" to me - The money is loaned.

Please could people stop saying boyfriend / girlfriend. Neither of us are 12 years old.

The council refused to house me and at the time my PARTNER stepped up to help me secure a rental property, I was living on a friends sofa. He and I had no relationship before that, however I had known him for a few years before then.

So this is a person (not a partner despite your use of capitals) that stepped in to help you out even before you were in a relationship? He's either a saint or expecting a return for his "investment".

I think it must be because, in some peoples' minds, a man's place is in the wrong, regardless of facts or fairness.

You say that the relationship is a partnership and a team. What do you bring to the table?

The council refused to house me and at the time my PARTNER stepped up to help me secure a rental property, I was living on a friends sofa. He and I had no relationship before that, however I had known him for a few years before then.

Right, so literally not your partner - or even boyfriend - at that time, then? Just a friendly acquaintance who paid for your housing? And you then subsequently started dating?

This is not financial abusive, and it’s offensive to anybody that has suffered it. You are treating this man like a cash cow, maybe he has had enough of giving you handouts when he obviously is never getting that money back.
You need to learn to stand in your own two feet like the rest of us, I feel sorry for this man.

The point is he was a friend who loaned you money and then you became a couple. He helped you a number of times when you were desperate but that doesn’t mean he should stop doing things for himself(buying himself expensive stuff) and keep bailing you out! You need to stop feeling entitled to his money just because he has no children or family. He might have charities he wants to give it to or helpful neighbours or any one for that matter. Just work on improving yourself rather than feeling entitled to other ppls money!