Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

From his point of view, he was in a new relationship with a stable and independent woman who owned her own house. She then unexpectedly lost her house and job.

He then helped his girlfriend out with enough money to rent somewhere, and has kept helping her with money to meet her basic needs ever since…

Unless he orchestrated you losing your house and has stopped you earning enough money to support yourself, it doesnt sound like he planned to make you financially dependent on him.

It sounds like he meant well by helping you out, but expected it to not be long term. He is probably building resentment for the situation, hence sometimes giving you half the money you beg him for. I imagine he never intended to have a relationship with someone financially dependent on him and now feels stuck in a relationship where he feels responsible for your well being.

He abuses you, all of mumsnet abuses you; you don't know what abuse means.

Agree - I’ve been getting serious baby reindeer vibes right from the beginning!

sent from my iphone

Totally agree!

I want to put my opinion across but, to be honest, everyone here has said exactly what I was thinking.
Also...good on him for treating himself to a £3000 chainsaw! Not something I would spend £3000 on personally, but each to their own. He's earned it!

And more to the point, what started out as a generous favour, has now become an expectation.

OP - many posters on mumsnet will have nothing but contempt for you for being poor.

It doesn't matter if your poverty is the result of your illness or low wages. They will consider it your problem alone, and not the responsibility of people who love you to help you.

All that said, if I was in your shoes I wouldn't be in a relationship where there was such extreme financial inequality. I just wouldn't do it - it's toxic for your relationship.

It's more the relationship that's being demeaned, I think...setting it out as casual and not very highly committed makes it clearer what you can and can't expect.

And of course OP can't expect a boyfriend she doesn't live or share finances with to fund her. Financial abuse would be withholding access to money to which she has a right. If she were a SAHM looking after his kids, a wife or committed cohabiting partner running a household with him or a dependent child, she'd have a right to money. A girlfriend living in a separate house? Nah.

Nonsense. I have every sympathy for people who are poor because of illness or disability, but that is what the welfare state is for. The OP needs to ensure that she is claiming everything she is eligible for, including appealing the decision about PIP.

Most of us are simply saying that a long distance boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't bear any financial responsibility. That doesn't mean that we want the OP to go without.

He has been more than helpful imo. You are entitled and not his responsibility. Using the term financial abuse is an insult to those having had genuine issues with this.

You don't live together/don't have children together and are not married. He is not financially abusing you, infact it sounds like he is helping you as much as he can.

I find it strange that you asked if this was financial abuse and when people said it wasn't you seemed to get aggressive in your responses. I wonder if that's what you're like with your partner if he says no?

I have a good friend in terrible terrible debt and sometimes struggles to pay basic bills, whereas I have a fair amount in savings - am I expected to supplement his life? Just because we have a close relationship and I have more?

@Mochachoc

So if you're so positive that you are being 'financially abused' because this man doesn't hand over cash on demand, then why don't you do what other women do in an abusive relationship? Namely, leave.

Have some self respect.

The OP could claim UC and housing allowance and still be living in abject poverty, in a relationship with someone with significant unearned wealth who presumably loves her, but is content to see her suffer. It's not about whose responsibility it is, it's about human kindness.

He's already been very bloody kind paying her bills repeatedly. Ok so he has assets in property but he's said he has spent all his savings on bailing her out!! What do you want him to do? Sell a house to give her yet more money? She needs to sort herself out. This isn't sustainable.

OP, I'm a single woman in my 40s with no kids, also poor.

I have a question - do you love him? From what I have read, you have never spoken about him in an affectionate manner and seem to actively dislike him.

I think you need to look at what your monthly outgoings are. Then look at what your self employed income is and see if there is a deficit. If there is you have two options, either look for a PAYE role with higher income or think how you can improve your self employed earnings.
mid also check you are not entitled to any benefits. Are you claiming single person discount for council tax etc?
As you are in a distance relationship with no shared bills or property your finances should be completely separate. It’s really not his responsibility to pay for your living expenses.

But how far does kindness go? The boyfriend has already spent most of his savings on the OP. He can't be expected to bankroll her life indefinitely. This isn't a committed long-term partnership - they don't even live together, they have only been together for four years and it's a long distance relationship. It would be different if they were married or at least had lived together for years etc.

And yes, the OP might well be living in poverty with the benefits that she is getting, which is why she absolutely needs to pursue the PIP appeal. If she isn't well enough to support herself through earnings, then she needs to ensure that she is accessing all available support from the state. It isn't reasonable to expect a boyfriend to step up and fill that gap when she hasn't done enough to maximise her own income.

OP people here are not going to understand that you’re unwell and are stuck. As an autistic person with very limited spoons I know that only my low energy friends get it and I even gaslight myself into thinking I’m imagining it or doing something to cause it. It’s upsetting that people think I can come up with ways of earning money from home….I try very hard but I spend half my life in bed and if I spent the other half of my life trying to work, I’d be in bed even more.

It’s outrageous that you are not receiving enough help to keep you afloat and that you’re having to rely on your BF. It isn’t financial abuse but I don’t see a future in this relationship because the balance of power is tipped too far in his favour. I can understand him not wanting to give you money although I don’t know how much he has spare. I don’t think you’re entitled to his money but I can understand your resentment if he’s watching you struggle while he has loads of spare cash. Neither of you is right or wrong but the relationship can’t work.

I think you’re going to have to houseshare or make yourself homeless. I know that’s rubbish because it means you’re even less likely to be able to make any money, and it’s going to be stressful and exacerbate your health issues but I don’t see what choice you have. Six months rent up front is a lot of money and you could end up in the same situation in the future.

It’s ironic the woman in her 40’s is telling other posters to grow up when she’s the one sponging off her boyfriend/partner/other half and copping a strop because he dared buy something, for himself, with his own money and doesn’t appear willing to keep financing her life when she is unwilling to do anything to improve her own situation, for example by getting a job.

Whilst I suspect you’re going to absolutely balk at this idea, if you’re at risk of homelessness you can approach the council and this would be 100% what I would be doing in your position rather than trying to get my partner to pay 6 months rent up front.

🤣

Absolute bollocks!

My mum was a single parent who worked nights as a nurse for thirty years to ensure her kids had food on the table. There was no money for luxuries. Like a lot of posters on MN, it gave me the drive to make something of myself, to ensure my kids also had food on the table.

You're right, the people who love you should help you. Maybe you didn't read OP's post correctly, but he has been helping her. What more do you actually want him to do? More importantly, what more does OP want from him, other than more handouts?

It isn't that people don't understand that the OP is ill. We get it. But looking to a long distance boyfriend for security is not the answer.

The OP needs to ensure that she is getting everything that she is eligible for. She may also need advice on her housing situation. If she is struggling to appeal the PIP decision by herself, there are charities that will assist with this. She doesn't have to do it by herself. She just has to acknowledge that it is her responsibility to sort and not her boyfriend's.

If she is stuck and struggling to move forward with it, perhaps she could ask her boyfriend to help her make contact with a local advice charity, rather than repeatedly asking him for money.

I don't think your finances are anything to do with him. It's a long distance relationship so I guess not that serious. No kids involved so he owes you nothing.

This is either a troll poster or someone who is a very entitled narcissist

Far from abusive, I think you have been incredibly fortunate that a long distance 'boyfriend' has been happy to financially support you to such an extent.

If I was in a 'relationship' like this (from the boyfriend's point of view) I would have run a mile a long time ago. Instead he stuck around and continued to financially assist you. That you now expect his financial support, and have the audacity to resent him spending his own money on himself, if quite outrageous.

You really need to find a way to support yourself as this man is unlikely to stick around much longer.

😂😂