Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

With the greatest of respect you are in a long distance relationship, you are not living together so finances are separate, he doesn't owe you anything and the same vice versa. If you were living together or had children together then it would be a different story.

As others have said it's not financial abuse. You are upset because he won't give you anymore money. I was financially abused and your situation is nothing like it.

You need your own plan to make money. It's his money to do with as he likes. He is not responsible for you.

What are your plans for when he dumps you?

What did you do with the money from your house sale?

I did have sympathy for you and was going to try and support you but some of your replies are quite immature so I wish you luck but I'm out.

Sounds like only one person here is financially abusing the other and it certainly isn’t your DP! However if he has willingly given you money that’s his prerogative, it’s his and only his to do what he wishes with. You have zero claim on any money of his so you should be very grateful he’s helped you out quite a lot when you’ve needed it. You shouldn’t just expect this help when you’re not married, no children and have a long distance relationship. Your responses are absolutely hideous, you don’t sound appreciative of his financial help just expectant and if I’m honest you are not coming across in a great light at all.
How often do you see your DP?

You obviously regard this relationship as not good for you
Yo have no ties to this man. Why not just leave him?

I am afraid you are being unreasonable. Your thinking is very very skewed.
This relationship is not at a level to neccesitate ongoing financial support.
You don't want to live with him
He doesn't want to live with you
You are not married
You have no dependents
You are boyfriend/girlfriend

Yet he has paid for rent/bills/food/over a long period whilst you remain financially unstable, yet you complain of financial abuse.

I think he has been above and beyond generous
His wealth is nothing to do with you.

You are expending lots of anger at him and time arguing here with posters which would be far more usefully redirected into taking a good hard look at how to stabilise your finances and take responsibility for yourself.

With respect OP I don't understand why you think the guy should be subsidising you. I can see why he'd get fed up with constantly having to help you financially. You haven't said why you aren't getting UC. You could possibly apply for the new ESA through that. As other posters have said, he has no obligation whatsoever to give you money. You say you want to get a mortgage in the future but you're already in your forties and with very little income and you aren't going to have much, if any, recent employment history. I don't see how you're going to get one. Why haven't you realised, when almost everyone has voted YABU, that you might in fact be being unreasonable? It's mystifying that you feel so much entitlement for someone else's money. I also don't understand why you want to stay with him - you said you needed support but according to you he isn't supporting you? He's reluctant to help you because for him, you are constantly sponging off him, it would get on anyone's nerves no matter how much money they have. It's time to take control of your own life. If you're being evicted the council will help you even if it is only temporary accommodation.

Yes, he sounds very abusive, you should definitely leave him and start paying for everything yourself. 🙄

Your main issue seems to be he has more money than you, and therefore you think you should be entitled to it. Maybe because you have seen relationships where finances are shared. But you're not in that type of relationship.

My husband and I share finances and we've both had times where we've lost our jobs or had emergencies to pay for and we've both managed to support each other through those times. We live together, we share domestic tasks, we share children.

What you are wanting is for him to just provide you with an endless stream of money to support you, without providing anything in return. If he'd asked you to move in with him and become a stay at home wife, returning every night to a spotless home and dinner on the table and then refusing to give you money for essentials, that would be a whole different matter, but he hasn't.

He didn't make you dependent on him at all, you fell into a bad situation, which might not be your fault, and you have become dependent on him because you've expected his generosity to go on indefinitely.

You're a grown woman, not a sugar baby. You have to start standing on your own two feet and stop asking him for money. It's not his job to bankroll you.

It is always so interesting to me how posters become so aggressive when they pose a question and the comments do not support their cause.

The guy need to run for the hills
the reason he’s only giving you 1/2 is he’s probably pissed off with bank rolling you
he must feel like a cash cow

I’m sorry your having a tough time but looking to blame him isn’t the answer

If he did have family they'd be reporting you to the police for being an online scammer.

4 year long distance, presumably online, relationship, where he's handed over thousands to you from guilt tripping and manipulation

If he is 'taking the piss', as you so eloquently put it, end the relationship.

An equal partnership doesn't mean equal incomes.

Excellent response!!

OK, OP; I think you might get better responses if you weren't attacking people in your follow up posts.

I too am single and childless, and in my 40s. I also have had a couple of periods of considerable ill health, and when I wasn't working. I do, however, have a mortgage, rather than pay rent. This means I haven't been able to get Housing Benefit or anything - only ESA & Jobseekers at the points I qualified for it.

In your position, I'm afraid I would be getting a second job, if your health allows it. I worked in a pub/restaurant at night, when I had to. It's not brilliant, but, when you have to be financially self-supporting, you have to do the necessary. Might your partner be able to loan you money, rather than gift? I suspect that might be better received? Given you need 6 months deposit, that is a large amount of money, and if he thinks he might get it back, he might be more predisposed to agree.

I would also stress that, he owes you nothing financially. He is your partner, but unless you have an agreement, he has not obligation to gift you money. I get it that it's a frustrating disparity, and you see him spending his cash on high value items, when you are struggling so much; but, you need to accept this, even if you don't agree.
I wish you the best.

This can’t be real. No one can be this obtuse and entitled surely? What’s the female equivalent of a non-resident cocklodger? Whatever it is, that’s you.

If this gentleman has any sense he will see you for what you are OP a manipulating scrounger. It’s time for you to start taking responsibility for your own life and not expecting him to keep using his savings to rescue you from your series of ongoing disasters. Why should he keep bailing you out, what do you actually contribute to your relationship, do you love him, it certainly doesn’t sound as if you have any feelings for him, you speak about him with contempt, he owes you nothing. Do you honestly still think you’re right when 98% on the thread think it’s you that’s in the wrong.

This has to be a wind up ? surely !!!

doesnt sound like it, no. You don't live with him, you're not staying home looking after his children or anything - so he doesn't need to pay your bills. Why do you not move in with him?

Why are you long distance? Why don't you live together?

Just dump him OP @Mochachoc

I can't believe this is still going and you're still insisting he's the problem.

@Mochachoc I too am disabled, I also am self employed, freelance, whatever. My business is just me, I am the business and if I can't work then we (yes I support two of us) don't have any income.

So I have ensured I have credit cards available for emergencies. We have savings for emergencies, and we have NEVER put the house at risk, it is our only security.

25 years ago I could walk, I didn't need care, I could stand and cook and clean and all sorts of things... but 25 years ago does not matter, it is not relevant. Now is what is relevant and important.

Claim the benefits you're entitled to. Appeal the PIP decision or reapply - get help to do so, it makes a significant difference!

I note in 25 pages you have not made it clear whether you're claiming all you're entitled to, and several comments make me think you're actively avoiding claiming for some moralistic reason.

Tell the LA that you're about to be made homeless - no, they won't magic up a 3bed semi on a leafy estate. However they do have a duty to house you and when you become homeless, they will house you. It may initially be in a B&B, but you will not be on the streets.

Get an appointment with the CAB and get proper help, you clearly need it, but real help, not begging for cash you cannot pay back from a man you feel (rightly or wrong) is manipulating you for shiggles.

There’s no other answer needed than this.

We all pay for Child benefit, both those with and without children, so that really isn't the insult you possibly thought it was.

You need to get into the mindset of assuming he's not going to bail you out any further and strategise as to how you can fill in the gaps in your income. As a self-employed person, you need to have a fall-back for those fallow periods. When I was self-employed, if my earnings weren't enough to cover my basics, I would find temporary work that I could do alongside, such as admin. You should probably look at why you're not generating enough income, and how you can increase that.