Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

If I had control of the finances and treated him the same way, it would absolutely be abusive, however most of you seem to think its ok for me to be treated badly

If you had control of his finances and did not let him have his money then yes, that would be abusive. However, if you were better off than him and he was expecting you to support him and you refused, that would not be abusive.

He is not being abusive. He is not treating you badly. The fact you are in a long-distance relationship with him does not put him under any obligation to support you financially. If you are incapable of living within your means, that is your problem, not his. If he chooses to help, that is a bonus.

Yes you’re financially abusing him! Wow

Why are you in such an unstable financial position?

Dating someone (not living together, no children, etc) doesn’t entitle a person to their finances. It’s not like it’s a one-off, it’s continual sponging off him. The problem is you come across as though you think you are entitled to his money.

LTB

Notice that she said the finances not his finances.
OP they are not your finances to control in the first place

If this was flipped, everyone would be telling you, why are you with this cocklodger, who just scrounged money off you, can’t pay for his own life, and isn’t even a “partner” as you don’t live together. What does he get from your “relationship”? Why does he owe you anything? You aren’t a charity. He is probably fed up of you.

You don’t have enough of a relationship to expect any help from him. (4 years long distance later in life). He has been more than generous. What have you done for him?

If you can work, then work, and earn your own money. Live within your means. Apply for council housing if you are eligible.

Financial abuse if when a partner is restricting access to money. For ex if a man goes to work and leaves his partner home with a baby then not giving her money would be a use: their shared baby is preventing her to earn.

In your situation he is not preventing you from earning money / restricting access to your money… he is just not giving you his own, and why would he??

The fact that he helped in the past doesn’t give him an obligation to continue now.

This!!!!!

What have I just read 🙈

She can’t, because then she’ll be really fucked and everything that this ‘abuser’ pays for, she’ll have to fork out for herself. Just like all of us forty some thing women do.

It's a difficult situation you find yourself in but what would you do if he wasn't there.

I do think that you now need to re-frame your outlook on life. It would be nice if he bailed you out but he has no obligation to.

If you are starting to resent this disparity in income maybe you should look at parting company.

This is barely even a relationship to be honest 4 years and you haven't really moved in together or building a life together, I wouldn't even call you partners.

You need to improve your lot in life, he doesn't owe you anything despite you thinking he does, and he can buy expensive chainsaws as its his money.

Why aren't you giving him some of your money after all fairs, fair.

You seem to get annoyed when people are giving you their honest opinions.
So here's my turn.
You are a girlfriend not a wife or have children. You have been dating 4.5 years and do not live together...thus says a lot BTW.
It was kind of him to give you money but surely you can understand that you are ONLY a girlfriend who has no financial ties or obligations to each other.
Just because he has property that's inherited that does not make him rich...
He works and obviously lives within his means and goes short to keep bailing you out.
I don't know why but I see some bleached blonde fake nails with her fake lv brown bag and lip fillers pouting that her sugar daddy won't bail out AGAIN.
You need to get a job even if it's in a supermarket and top up with universal credit etc.
You won't be homeless councils will always help but obviously it won't be to what you think you should be getting

if your partner is reading this, I advise he run from the hills away from being with a gold-digger

We all need to take personal responsibility and stand on our own two feet financially. If I met a bloke who constantly begged me for money I'd ditch him. I'm not responsible for his financial wellbeing.

As many have said you are completely unreasonable.

you need to address the issues you mention yourself and not rely on him To do this for you. If I were him I would be fed up with bailing you out.

if you think he is abusing you by not giving you the money you wrongly believe you are entitled to, end the relationship!

Your looking at it all wrong- you see his money as your money but with what right? Your not married, don't live together ,don't have kids together or haven't sacrificed your job or earning potential because of him. I understand its health reasons but how is he at fault for that?
4.5 years and your still in a long distance relationship I think he's given you alot of financial security for what is not a close relationship. Why can't you move in with him to alleviate any housing trouble if your in a serious relationship? If the relationship isn't so stable as for you to do this then why would he consider it stable enough to literally give you access to his money too. As a woman if the tables were turned you wouldn't ever be advised of letting a man near your income so here same applies to him.
You've had alot and I think you have become too reliant on him. You need to sort benefits if you can't work more due to health,become independent of him financially and take control of your own life. It's not financial abuse.

The cognitive dissonance from the OP is on another level. According to her posts She's worked successfully all her life paying taxes for things she hasn't used, she's sometimes had three jobs, she's never relied on anyone. Has no kids or other family. And yet she's got so little money she needs money for food and heating oil, has no savings despite apparently having jobs that required her to pay significant taxes, and expects the boyfriend (who she has said she wouldn't want to live with as she thinks he might be controlling) to fund her because he has more money than her. I think OP might be stretching the truth and/or is terrible at money management.

You are in a long-distance relationship. (You aren't married or living together)

You need to live within your means. Hes right not to continue to keep giving you money

I see two problems here.

1. you being financially dependant on him
2. your relationship with him

realistically your situation is unlikely to improve with him around. He isn’t going to change and suddenly start supporting you, the way you feel you are entitled to. Continue the relationship and continue to few bad about your financial situation and keep begging. Or. End the relationship and get some help in rebuilding your life and becoming more secure a scarier option for sure.

Let me tell you about a woman I know who was in a financially abusive relationship. She did not work - he would not let her. They had 2 children - she was expected to sort out all clothes, food etc.

Every Monday he would give her a set amount of house keeping... BUT first he would check all of her receipts from the previous week and if there was any shortfall between that and the set amount would assume she had change and only top up to full set amount (e.g. she'd got receipts for £48 out of £50 - he'd knock the £2 off that weeks money - she couldn't squirrel anything away at all) He'd question her if he thought anything was unneccessay or she could have got it cheaper - it was always the cheapest food in their house.

He would check her car to see what milage she'd done and question her if he thought it was more than necessary - where had she been, who with, was her journey necessary or could she have combined it with something else?

She mainly wore clothes from jumble sales

She was a friend of my mums and we only found all of this out after he died.

You are not in a financially abusive relationship OP. He's done more than enough for you and is probably sick with the constant demands. Stop asking, he's not your sugar daddy and he's not responsible for you. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

I disagree with the majority of posters here, He's definitely controlling and for your own mental health should leave him immediately

I thought half term was last week.

He's not your partner.