Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Here, have my very first LTB!

"it is becoming apparent to me that he maybe does not see things that way and is being selfish, greedy, controlling"

I think the person you are describing here is you OP 😐

So basically, you are a leech with an overblown sense of entitlement. Poor bloke..

I feel sorry for him. You are bleeding him dry.

These are my absolute favourite type of MN posts. Someone comes on, posts (full
of contradictions), doesn’t get the flood of agreement they were after and then rounds on any opinion that doesn’t back her up…which tends to be most of the replies. Great stuff.

Sounds to me like you’re living beyond your means and rather than make the obvious changes like stabilise your income via a salaried role and/or maximising things like UC you’re expecting someone else to supplement your income.

I actually didn’t mean it like that. My point was; if that’s what you want from him, tell him, then he gets to see exactly what you want and decide if he wants it too.

You are actulay off your head .
He tried to help you out and put you on your feet and you haven’t gotten anywhere .

He doesn’t owe you anything .!
He can spend 3k on a chainsaw if he likes as it’s his money!
You need to get a paid job and as soon as you realise you are on your own financially then you will be able to sort your life .

Yes you would think that in illness your long term partner would have a plan to emerge your lives I think it speaks for itself this isn’t a long term relationship moving forward .

Quite

Is he supposed to just give you as much money as you want when ever you want it?! He doesn’t owe you anything. You don’t even live together!

YANBU
It is financial abuse.
You are financially abusing this man.

which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury

Why on earth you think you should be given money for luxury?
You should get up, go to work and start paying luxury things for your boyfriend. Maybe he would be willing to do the same in return then 😏

Your situation sounds like a classic romance scam. I'm sorry your life has gone so badly wrong, (from owning your own home and running a successful business to destitute in a few years) but your survival plan should not depend on your long-distance partner bailing you out. That is never going to be sustainable.

Have you tried to claim any benefits (other than PiP)? You say (rightly) that council housing is not always available to everyone who wants it but have you actually tried to access social housing? How much money has he given you? You currently live way beyond your means, either your lifestyle or your income (probably both) need to change.

This.

It sounds like you are unable to manage your own finances at all and he just keeps bailing you out time and again. He must feel like you treat him as a sugar daddy.

I don't think he has any desire to live together as he is used to living alone

Hard to blame him really; considering what's being expected already - and this after he's already been so generous - I dread to think what the demands would be if he moved you in

Overall, though, I'm just hoping this is some sort of joke

I would like to believe it is.
Unfortunately I've known people like this in real life too...

I'm in an LDR with someone who really doesn't need to work for a living. I've never asked specifics but can only assume his family is loaded. Unlike me. Single parent to 2 boys.

Would never occur to me to ask my partner for money, I'd hate to rely on anyone financially.

I think you are massively unreasonable unless you've got a plan to pay your partner back.

Yes this happens a lot. OP actually thinks he us abusing her by not giving her even more money than he currently does. The bloke is being abused financially by the OP.

It sounds like he's perhaps slightly given you the wrong idea by saying he will always provide for you financially and wants to take care of you in his will, then not doing anything about it. On the other hand, he has given you money for food etc which is providing, just not as fully as you would like. It seems like you have very different expectations from your relationship and are financially quite incompatible. I wouldn't expect a partner where we're not married, don't live together and don't have kids to be paying for my day to day living expenses even if he was financially better off than than me.

OP actually thinks he us abusing her by not giving her even more money than he currently does

And that's why I had to smile at OP's expectation that he'd buy a property for her to rent from him and possibly buy later - something which he allegedly "promised" and later went back on

If this is true at all it's hard to blame him for that either; he's probably worked out that his chances of ever receiving any of the rent are about nil, and if he didn't waive it he'd doubtless be called abusive for that too

I've just RTFT

OP you are bat crap crazy!! Everyone is telling you the same thing and you STILL think you are right? Nope, not even close to being financially abused.

BONKERS.

Is this a reverse.

You are being rude to people who say he is not being financially abusive to you. He has bailed you out time and time again, you aren't independent and cannot support your self by your chosen self employment. You have used his savings to bail you out. I feel sorry for him.

I'm missing a few bits here...
How are your finances any of his responsibility?
You say it's a relationship but how often do you see each other and who does the travelling because this costs money that it would seem you don't have?
You say it's a relationship but you can't see either of you wanting to live together? What do either of you get from this relationship?
You feel it's wrong that he questions what you need the money for.... why shouldn't he? It's his money.
Why can't you get a house share if you can't afford rent?

Well this was a pleasant surprise… I thought for sure this thread would have been nuked before I got back to it.

No matter how rich he is and how poor you are, you are not legally his dependant and he does not have any obligation to pay your bills. You are in a financial mess and that is difficult to deal with but what you need to do is work out a way you can live within your means. That might be shared housing in a bit so nice part of town and cooking from scratch using own brand food while paying off debts. Or moving in with family/close friends and saving for a year. It might be getting a better paid job or funding a second income. Expecting someone else to pay for you is not a going to get you out of this mess.

You are a leach and he should drop you like a hot snot.

He is not responsible for your financial hardship or responsibilities and you have a brass neck to expect him to pony up for everything. It's your life, your mess and up to you to find a solution.

There's no way in hell I'd give money continuously to support a partner.

Look up what the word narcissist means.

You are literally the definition of it.

Poor man.
I hope he sees you for what you really are and ends the relationship (although I’m sure you’ll find a way to manipulate him into staying).

You are either staggeringly entitled, or a troll. As this is your only thread on here, my guess is you’re some sad misogynist bloke who wanted to prove to himself that all women are gold digging bitches and thought we’d all agree that this was abuse 🙄

On the off chance that it is real though, I’ll repeat to you what you posted to someone else - BOO HOO. Grow up and get a job.