Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Well that was a wild ride...

OP if you don't have any money for heating, food etc you need to claim universal credit. If you earn too much for universal credit you need to sort out your finances. It is not down to another person who you do not live with to sub your life. He helps you out but he is not your father or your husband and you need to stop calling him abusive because he's not paying you what you deem to be enough.

I think this thread MUST be a wind-up - but OP if you think your boyfriend is being financially abusive (despite the fact you don't live together or even in the same town, are not married, and don't have joint finances or assets for him to abuse) you know what you've got to do: dump him.

It's more believable if you spell iPhone right :)

(and why would that matter???)

Sorry you're struggling - but you need to stop framing yourself as the victim here. You've had some really good advice - I strongly suggest you try and take some of it onboard to actually change your life for the better.

😂😂

I take it you haven’t seen Baby Reindeer?!

If you had you’d get the joke!

@C1N1C You obviously didn't watch Baby Reindeer!

Oh, come on!

This is a man pretending to be a woman. He is expecting to see posts shouting
'Of course he should give you the money, bail you out, keep you'
Then he can say we have double standards.
Unfortunately we are not allowing him his self satisfied 'HMPH I knew it!'

This is what I'm getting at. This set up is so, so abusive the OP is not even considering leaving it, not even contemplating the option. Because her evil partner is forcing her to sponge off him, selfish bastard.

Nope, but now on my list! (I feel sad for not getting the joke :( )

Yes I have become financially dependent on him and have only just realised that that is exactly what his intention was

just how? He’s done nothing to cause you to have no money, your financial situation is not his doing? The fact you need to get money from him is nothing to do with him.

if your business is doing so poorly then you need to get a job.

Op how long were you in this relationship before you started tapping him up for money?

This is a wind up.

OP - you state he intended to make you financially dependent on you but also that you have to beg to get him to pay your bills. Hardly sounds like he wants you to be dependent! More like he's completely fed up with it.

A friend mentioned 'professional vicitim' I wondered what she meant I think we all know now

What do you mean it was his intention to make you financially dependent on him?! I can imagine if you had kids together and he asked you to stay at home for childcare then you would be financially dependent on him. You both don’t even live together!

He can spend whatever we wants on himself it is his money to do as he pleases. There will always be people better off and less well off than you. You can’t think he should think of the starving children in Asia and Africa and not eat any more! What a ridiculous argument! You are a gold digger! Nothing else! If your self employed job is not paying enough, get another part time one. Or quit and find a full time job which pays your bills. Move to a room share so you can afford it. Don’t expect this man or anyone else to fund you! You are extremely entitled and wrongly so!

It’s a hard watch but also gripping. You’ll get the joke once you watch!

@Mochachoc I'm open mouthed with amazement at your OP and your replies.

No, he is not financially abusing you.

It would only be financial abuse if he was the reason you had no financial independence. If he had done something to stop you from earning and keeping hold of your own money to deliberately trap you in a situation where you are dependent on him and he can control you.

From your posts it sounds as though he really doesn't want to be in this situation at all and would much rather you paid your own way, and he is feeling used. As others have said, he has no obligations towards you whatsoever. You are not married, which would create a legal relationship between you. You have no children together, which means you have not sacrificed your own health and earning potential in order to bring his children into the world and raise them. You don't even live together.

It's not clear to me why your relationship is long distance, but having been in a long distance relationship myself, if I had a partner who was incapable of paying their own rent and bills and wanted me to pay their rent and bills in another location rather than actually move in with me, I would absolutely think they were with me for money rather than for love.

I've surprised myself here but I do actually see what you're saying - it feels unfair that he lives the life he does whilst you are struggling.

HOWEVER this is why it's not a good idea to lean on anyone financially, it puts you in such a vulnerable position. Despite the fact he may of promised XYZ throughout your relationship - if anything, I think this needs to be a wake up call.

I am sorry you're having a hard time and hope you are able to find a solution.

What a weird man. This 'relationship' doesn't make any financial sense as OP doesn't bring anything to the table at all.

I've met a few gold-diggers/sugarbabes in my life and they work hard for their money, they're young, beautiful, keep themselves fit and let the men screw them any which way. OP is too old for that and certainly doesn't meet the appearance standards.

Otherwise, ill, lives far away, no financial sense, no income. Brings nothing to the table, just demands to be bankrolled for some unfatomable reason.

But seems her 'partner' is starting to see the ligh, finally. So congrats OP, you're getting what you want, this 'abuser' will leave you and you can proudly provide for yourself. Or find another schmuck to spronge off, but in your 40s it won't be easy..

The entitlement of people never ceases to amaze me 😂 I do hope this is a troll account…. 🙈😂

Its not possible to be financially abused by someone who has no access to your money, and when you’re living independent lives (as is the case in a long distance relationship by its very nature).

You having fallen on hard times is not your boyfriend’s fault or responsibility, what if you had a poor boyfriend? You’d just have to suck it up wouldn’t you? Just because he’s rich doesn’t make it his job to bankroll you.

He could dump you tomorrow, which he’d be well within his rights to do, and you’d still be in the same position. You’re not married so you’ve no entitlement to his assets.

At the most you could call him tight for not giving you money, but even that doesn’t sit right. He doesn’t have to fund his partner.

OP doesn't want to move in with him. I honestly don't think I would want to move in with him anyway, as I suspect he might be extremely controlling to live with. I also am very used to living on my own and kind of prefer it that way.

You are not married and you don't share any children, he owes no responsibility towards you whatsoever.

Gently, maybe it's time for you to find a new job. Hopefully one that pays better. Or downsize your home and get rid of your car. (I think you said you had one)

We are all responsible for ourselves unfortunately. I wouldn't be happy constantly subsidising someone either. And he has helped you so many times so you can't say he is financially abusing you.

If you're in debt, find a company who can consolidate it all and make a small payment that you can afford each month. Go to citizens advice for some free advice and they can maybe get you in touch with a debt charity.

Best of luck to you.

But OP wouldn’t be struggling if she accepted her business isn’t working and she got a salaried job to support herself, rather than expecting a man to support her.