Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I think you need to get professional help with dealing with your money issues, I understand that you have had health issues but you seem to be lurching from one financial crisis to another and not taking steps to look at how you can change things - probably because you are expecting someone else to bail you out every time! I think there is an organisation called Step Change which helps people to deal with their finances when they are out of control. Maybe contact them next time, rather than your friend.

This thread is bonkers.

OP, get a job. If you think your boyfriend is controlling and abusive, dump him.

That's it. Problems solved.

The OP has serious baby reindeer vibes. Not in terms of stalking but in the absolute delusion of thinking this man is being abusive because he won’t bankroll her life..

sent from my iphne…

If you already have a job you either need to get a second job or a better paying job. It's not your bf's responsibility to keep you out of debt. Think of how much money he has paid you over these 4 years. You shouldn't take money off your bf. It's not like you are living together.

Yes I have become financially dependent on him and have only just realised that that is exactly what his intention was

Trouble is it seems he doesn’t want you to be financially dependent on him !

I think you need to forget about how much savings he has. He doesn't owe you a penny. He has already been fairly generous and seems to have set himself a budget so he's not dipping into his capital. If he buys himself the odd "boy toy" that's up to him. At the moment he may feel you are taking advantage of your relationship.

You need to be standing on your own two feet and finding a way out of the horrible situation you're in. I'm not pretending it will be easy and I don't think you're to blame. You're a victim of circumstance(illness, cost of living, landlord selling up) Have you looked at the benefits website to find out what,if anything, you're entitled to ?
...try calling Step Change and see what advice they can offer with reference to your poor credit rating. I know there's also a group called Christians against Poverty. No you don't have to be a Christian to avail of their services... Joining a credit union can be a positive step .

Other posters have nentioned house sharing or becoming a lodger. Those options may not be ideal and you might have to find somewhere to store your belongings but taking action of some sort is preferable to where you are at the moment. As a last resort maybe you could ask your boyfriend for a loan but make sure you pay him back. Set up an agreement and schedule of payments.

😂

I’ve loved this thread. It’s either complete BS or the OP is that deluded but it’s been entertaining all the same 😅

Wow! What an entitled person! Is this post a joke?

How much have you accepted from him since the beginning of your relationship? Have you ever totted it up?

At the moment it just sounds like "I'm poor, he's rich, therefore it's his duty to give me money, and if he doesn't, he's 'enjoying' watching me suffer and is financially abusive".

It sounds very much like you're with him solely for his money.

This 'he gets me' attitude is tired...

Nowhere even near financial abuse..you dont even live together nor are married or anything at all, toure LONG distance on top. For all he knows youre the one using him for money and what does he gain from you, online chatting?

Its shit that you're in this position OP but you need to be independent and get out of this hole by yourself.
I'm not sure if you have a subconscious belief that he should hand over half of his assets but that is his security for his future.
You need to survive on your own. There is a saying...Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he has enough to eat forever.
Start surviving on your own instead of expecting hand outs. If you're not happy with him, then leave.

I think the OP is looking for an argument as much as she is looking for a handout.

I have some sympathy with the OP (yep, I know). If she feels she would support and provide for her partner if the situation were reversed, then this might feel harsh when he won't. Unfortunately, her impressions of the relationship are somewhat different to his, and he won't put his money where his mouth is and so OP, you need to take the message from this. He isn't that into you.

You're actually delusional 😂

You need to:

1. Get a regular job (as your hobby isn't paying you enough to live on)
2. Check out your benefit entitlement while you job hunt (and once you get a job)
3. Get some psychiatric help

Emotional blackmail to what sounds like it could be a vulnerable man. Really?

I think it's very easy to feel that you would support your boyfriend/girlfriend financially when you know that there is actually zero chance of ever being called upon to do so. We can all be generous with hypothetical money that we don't have.

Hope work was ok for you today OP. Very kindly, for the sake of your mental health, it could be time to stop judging your boyfriend on what he is/isn't doing and start to think/plan how YOU can improve your situation. You are resilient by nature which will be your greatest asset.

It really sounds as though you don’t like your partner very much. If you think you are financially abused then why don’t you end the relationship?

Or are you too far into relying on him to fund your life?

So entitled.

I've seen many insults thrown at us all over the years for failing to agree with the OP. But this is the first time where I have seen the OP try to insult us all by calling us men. 😂

It's HIS money, regardless of how it came to him
He's probably starting to rein it in as he's realised he's being rinsed and that you're not taking full responsibility or asking anyone else to help and it's solely on him

What an entertaining thread for a dull Monday morning. I hope OP comes back 😆

Well prove you're not, MR Tiddles

You sound like a perpetual victim.

it is nobody’s fault that you have no savings or way to sustain yourself. Get a proper job and stop scrounging

I actually can’t believe what I’ve just read!! OP this man owes you nothing. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet. Get a job or claim benefits. It’s not up to anyone to support you. Give your head a wobble!!