Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I feel this is very unfair to cats. My cat adores me and is very loving towards me (unlike OP's treatment of her boyfriend).

Just following for the deletion message 😂

Exactly. The problem here is with the OP's assumption that this man is her partner. He isn't. I get that the OP doesn't like the word "boyfriend" because of the ages involved, and that's fair enough, but she needs to find another way of describing him that accurately reflects the relationship.

You think he is financially abusing YOU?!

Bloody hell, you are draining him dry. YOU!

He is not responsible for you financially but I suspect you know this already.

You're not married, nor do you have children together, you don't even live together. He has no responsibility towards you. I would want to take better care of myself, instead of relying on handouts from a gentleman friend. In your situation I'd wait to be evicted from the rental, then present to the council as homeless. Accept the temporary accommodation/one bed flat. If you're working then apply for universal credit, to see if they can top up your salary. If not then apply for a second job for the weekends. Get some money together, to support yourself better. No one is going to help you better than yourself. You cannot live like this any more. Make a plan. I wish you all the best.

This can't be real. No one can be this ignorant and delusional surely?!!

What's your self-employed business by the way? Maybe it's time to get an actual job if times are that bad?!

Or is it easier to leech off your boyfriend whilst being obnoxious to strangers on the internet?!

What she means is if she had control over his finances. As you say there is no joint finances nor should there be in this situation.

Me too, I think everyone would, but no way I’d be throwing tens of thousands as a long distance boyfriend, and if he treated me like rhe op is treating this poor sod, demanding money and acting entitled to it, I’d end it immediately.

Yes you are financially abusing him

The obvious source of additional income if yours is insufficient is the state not your partner. If you are not well and have been refused PIP you should appeal and take it to tribunal if necessary.

If you are on a low income then UC can be combined with self-employment and the housing component of UC should make up a shortfall in rent.

I have no idea why you would think it a good idea to sponge off your bf, but if you do it indefinitely it will nuke the relationship. (Quite apart from accusing him of financial abuse because he won’t give you what you want).

OP you have asked if you are being unreasonable and are now very upset because people have said that you are.

You say you like being independent and single; but you are not. I feel for your situation; you are struggling day to day and it is not how you want to live. You also have a partner who you clearly care for who has enough money to support you without it having a negative impact on his own life and you wish he could offer this support generously rather than you having to ask and feel unsure as to whether you will get it. As you say, you are not asking for designer handbags and a round the world cruise, you need money for food, heat and shelter. I understand all of this and how scary it can be not knowing if you can have these basic needs met. I think everyone can understand that.

The part where people are saying you are being unreasonable is where you are seeming to suggest he has an obligation to provide these things for you. He doesn’t. You could, if you wished, try to make it a condition of your relationship (as in ‘I’m feeling very vulnerable and I need you to promise to support me with my basic needs on a monthly basis until I can get back on my feet; this includes 6 months rent up front for my new home and a monthly allowance for essentials and if you can’t do that I can’t continue with the relationship because it feels like you don’t care’) BUT if you do that you have to understand that he has every right to walk away because financially he owes you nothing. If he had co-signed a lease with you and then moved out leaving you with unsustainable bills then he would have more of an obligation, but he doesn’t. He is not financially abusing you because his finances are not tied up with yours (either legally or morally) any more than mine are tied up with yours.

I am seriously shocked at your expectations that this man should be constantly forking out large sums of money to you., And if he doesn't thats financial abuse?? Absolute nonsense.,

Jesus, that reads like prostitution. Who in their right mind would say that to someone, I will be in a relationship with you if you give me x amount of money,

Yes I have become financially dependent on him and have only just realised that that is exactly what his intention was

As I C&P the above, I'm only on page 1 and there's a further 4 after that.

Seriously some people seem to just be unable to cope with the thought of a single woman living alone

I am gobsmacked that you can seriously post this. It reads as rage bait.

YOU are the one who cannot afford your life as it currently is. You have found out the hard way that a long-distance relationship where you share nothing means....you share nothing. He isn't obligated to get you out of a financial hole no matter how nice that would be. And the audacity to try and frame your situation as him financially abusing you is disgusting tbh.

I'm genuinely sorry you find yourself in a hole, but blaming your boyfriend and seriously posting the second comment because you don't like the responses you're getting is quite honestly astounding. Like others, I thought you were asking if you were the financial abuser!

Jesus, yeah does sound a little like financial abuse, from you. You are in a long distance relationship, he doesn't live with you, he shouldn't be giving you a penny. Honestly it's pretty disgraceful you're taking money off him so often. You need to live within your own means.

I'm amazed he even has any respect for you at all left. You're like his charity case. It actually feels alot like prostitution tbh. It sounds very similar to the type of relationship prostitutes have with their rich regulars.

does he want you financially dependent though? What is he doing to ensure that you are? Stopping you working? He’d probably prefer it if you could pay for your own food shopping and heating tbh.

OP you need to end it because you clearly don’t like him anyway and talk about him in awful terms. Then you won’t have anyone that you can beg for money but at least you will know for sure you aren’t being financially abused.

This woman is a joke to those of us who brought up kids alone with no benefits or maintenance from the father.
I pulled myself out of this hole, bought my kids a home and trained for a career so I could support them.
Nobody gave me anything.

Thing is OP, what would you do without him? If you leave the relationship you’ll be worse off! Unless the plan is to land an even wealthier man? I’d keep him on-side if I were you. Complement his wondrous chainsaw! Blokes love that. They don’t love ‘I need more money, I can’t afford to feed myself’.

After 4 yrs surely if you loved each other that much you’d be moving closer to each other if not in with each other? How were you planning to manage a long distance relationship in your 80’s? It’s obviously not that serious a relationship or you would have wanted to try to be together by now- hence why his financial obligations to you will have a limit on them.

You’re not in a relationship.

I was just thinking, I wonder how 'long distance' this is. A different country? Different county? Do you see each other every week? Never? Online only and just cash transactions? I feel it would change things a little if you stay over at each others every weekend or week or whatever after four years together, but even then, not really.

This is definitely financial abuse. Or plain ol' scamming. By you OP and I really do hope that there is someone around him in some capacity to recognise how he is being taken advantage of to fund YOUR life 🤷‍♀️

This !
Also , where has she demonstrated that she “clearly cares for him” ?’

Maybe he decided not to buy the property to rent to you as he fully suspected you would not pay the rent

This is financial abuse. You are abusing him. Whilst it may be normal for partners to help each other out, he has no obligation to you.